Thursday, May 21, 2009

Reading Group-Chapter 6

This week's reading was Chapter 6 titled "Instruments of Healing".

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV

We all face tragedies in life. Satan tries to take advantage of us during these times. He means to harm us and break our relationship with God. During difficult times we must remember to draw closer to God, as it is only He that can sustain us. God can bring goodness and light in our lives during the times it is very dark. He can use our experiences for good-for ourselves and for others.

1) Do you think God can use your loss(es) for good? Has He already done so? Please share.

Anger is a normal response to the loss of a child. We shouldn't try to hide it but we also shouldn't take it out on people who don't deserve it. Instead, take it to God. Tell Him why you are angry and ask Him to help you deal with it and release you from its bondage.

2) Have you felt any anger or bitterness since the loss of you child(ren)? To whom or where has your anger been directed towards?

Undoubtedly, we've all been there.....receiving a not-so-nice-but-well-intentioned comment from a friend or family member. Perhaps some of those comments weren't even well-intentioned. No matter their intention, they can hurt. The fact is we've lost somebody we love very much and it hurts regardless of how much time they spent here on earth.

3) Has anyone been insensitive to your feelings of grief for your child(ren)? What are some of the things that were said to you that you wish hadn't been?

The author makes the statement in the book that the grief we experience may not be as great or the season of grieving as long since there are not many memories to deal with.

4) Do you agree with the author on this? If your child(ren) was with you for a little while, whether in the womb or in your arms, what memories do you cherish?

5) What dreams did you have for your child?

Guilt is another normal reaction to grief. Often, parents feel like they could've done more to help their child(ren) and then things would've been ok. Guilt can surface from choices that were made. We need to turn this guilt over to God and allow Him to heal us. It isn't always easy but if we keep steadfast in Him we will prevail.

6) Do you carry any guilt over the loss of your child(ren)?

7 comments:

stitchndeb said...

1) Do you think God can use your loss(es) for good? Has He already done so? Please share. Well, He is supposed to be able to. It’s been 24 years and I still really can’t see anything good out of it.

2) Have you felt any anger or bitterness since the loss of you child(ren)? To whom or where has your anger been directed towards? Yes, loads of anger. Mostly at my parents and sister, and to a lesser degree towards people who knew but didn’t stick up for me or offer any hope. (It is strange that my counseling assignments for last week were about anger too, so I am working through this.)

3) Has anyone been insensitive to your feelings of grief for your child(ren)? What are some of the things that were said to you that you wish hadn't been? Yes. Sometimes it’s what they don’t say -- everyone who knew about it (including my parents and sister) never mention that day, like if they don’t acknowledge it then it never happened so they conclude I’m perfectly fine. But I already mentioned in this book discussion before about that guy in my Sunday school class who said that post-abortive women obviously have no feelings for their babies since they allow them to get killed. Nobody at church except for my counselor knows about my abortion so I really can’t take comments like this too personally.

The author makes the statement in the book that the grief we experience may not be as great or the season of grieving as long since there are not many memories to deal with.

4) Do you agree with the author on this? If your child(ren) was with you for a little while, whether in the womb or in your arms, what memories do you cherish? No, I don’t agree. It’s been over 24 years for me and I still miss my baby. I don’t have any memories to cherish, but thanks to this book I now have the positive thought that her life continues in a productive way in Heaven.


5) What dreams did you have for your child? I daydreamed about having a baby since I was a teeny kid, so I was anticipating that experience. I knew I’d have someone who would love me (like most teenage girls wish). I felt like we would be close. Nowadays I think about all the things I could be doing with her as a young adult too. One of my friends from high school is a grandmother already (age 42) and I start to think that could have been me too.

6) Do you carry any guilt over the loss of your child(ren)? Yes, I should have ran away. My mother found a letter I had written to one of my friends asking if I could stay with her till I had the baby, and that’s how she found out I was pregnant. If I had just ran away and assumed my friend would help me, I could have had the baby or at least one person on my side supporting the fact I didn’t want an abortion. I should have been more vocal about my feelings. I kick myself every day that I just wanted my parents and sister to like me again. Even though they got their way, they still have a problem with me, can you believe it. So my abortion was for nothing. So I feel guilty for not listening to my baby who probably would have loved me without strings for her whole life instead of listening to these people who are still rarely happy with me.

MommyIvy said...

1) Do you think God can use your loss(es) for good? Has He already done so? Please share.

I guess that is has helped in the fact that I went through a miscarriage and have been able to help other who are going through one.

2) Have you felt any anger or bitterness since the loss of you child(ren)? To whom or where has your anger been directed towards?

I felt a lot of anger and bitterness towards my husband after we lost our first. He didnt come with me to the hospital and I just was really upset about him not being there for me in that time of need.(Even though it wasnt his fault)

3) Has anyone been insensitive to your feelings of grief for your child(ren)? What are some of the things that were said to you that you wish hadn't been?

I had a friend who told me "Oh well, it was probably for the better." Maybe I had only been married for a few months and wasnt quit ready, but I didnt see how it could have been for the better.

4) Do you agree with the author on this? If your child(ren) was with you for a little while, whether in the womb or in your arms, what memories do you cherish?

I only knew I was pregnant for like 4 days before I miscarried. I didnt have time to make any memories.

5) What dreams did you have for your child?
I really didnt have time to have any dreams. I was just getting used to the idea of being a mom.



6) Do you carry any guilt over the loss of your child(ren)?

Yes, I feel that it may have been my fault that we lost that child. I had fallen and hit my head and was given a pain killer for the contusion I had. I always wonder if that is what caused it.

Holly said...

1) Do you think God can use your loss(es) for good? Has He already done so? Please share.

I truly believe that God can use any bad experience for good. Of course, God doesn't cause these bad experiences to happen to us. I know God has done great good with both Jordan and Carleigh. I wrote a poem for Jordan's memorial when I was in counseling and my poem actually helped to save a baby's life. After reading my poem a mother decided not to have an abortion! I was extremely happy when I found out. Sharing both of my children's stories has reached and touched other people and I'm so grateful for that. My children have also changed me and without them I know I wouldn't be the person I am today.

2) Have you felt any anger or bitterness since the loss of you child(ren)? To whom or where has your anger been directed towards?

With Jordan I was in denial about it for 5 years until Kyndra was born. Anger was not an emotion I recognized at first until I was in counseling. I had anger towards the clinic for deceiving me, my parents for me not being able to go to them, Anthony for going along with it, my friend for not stopping me, and myself for actually doing it. I was able to let go of that anger and forgive. For both of my children, I've never been angry at God. I know God didn't do this to me.

3) Has anyone been insensitive to your feelings of grief for your child(ren)? What are some of the things that were said to you that you wish hadn't been?

I have gotten a few insensitive comments but I just let them roll off my back. I knew that they were well-intentioned. Not very many people know what to say and I can understand.

4) Do you agree with the author on this? If your child(ren) was with you for a little while, whether in the womb or in your arms, what memories do you cherish?

I don't agree w/ the author. You can't possible measure someone else's grief. I cherish all the little kicks and hiccups. Just knowing she was in there and alive made me so happy.

5) What dreams did you have for your child?

I dreamt of Carleigh and Kyndra growing up together and being so close-as sisters and best friends.

6) Do you carry any guilt over the loss of your child(ren)?

With Jordan I carried a lot of guilt over what I had done but I gave it to the Lord. With Carleigh I had wondered if something I did caused her anencephaly.

Andi Soergel said...

1) I firmly believe that God allows such things in our lives to mold us and make us what He wants us to be. In everything our goal is to bring glory to Him.
I have met great girls who are Mamas of babies like Haven. I'm in Ohio and I have formed relationships with girls in Idaho, Minnesota and even the UK! This was even before I discovered all the wonderful blogs like yours, Holly, and Celia's, etc. etc.
Another way God has used this for good is in getting His Word out. We told our pastor that we wanted him to have a good salvation message in Haven's celebration service. I have lots of family who are unbelievers and one uncle in particular still talks about the service as the best church service he's ever been to-and this is a man who never sets foot in church! It was definitely a witness to our family and friends to see Mark and I giving God the glory for every moment of Haven's life!
2) I haven't really had any anger or bitterness. I have a friend who has a daughter that was born 12 days before Haven. I remember us sitting on her living room floor hugging and crying over our big bellies because she felt so guilty for having a healthy baby! I assured her that I was totally happy for her and I always buy birthday gifts for her little girl because she is such a reminder of what my Haven would be like now. I am thankful that God allowed us to get through this without anger and bitterness because it had to be because of Him!
3) The first thing that comes to mind is my husband's parents reaction when we told them what we were planning for Haven in terms of a memorial service, etc. They lived in Pennsylvania at the time and, as I said, we are in Ohio. They said "you are welcome to bury him at the foot of one of our plots." and then proceeded to tell me how people "don't usually make a big deal out of things like this". Seriously??!! They have never been very sensitive to our loss. Some people said things like "at least you didn't have to get to know him and THEN lose him." We heard that several times. I have to say that there weren't a lot of weird comments, but there were some!
4) I don't agree with the author. I have wonderful memories of our children and other families members all with their hands on my tummy to feel Haven's kicks and squirms. You can't compare grief, in my opinion.
5) What he would become, what he would add to our family. I wanted to see Owen be a big brother. Just all the things we would have done and been as a family.
6) I go through times of questioning. Was it the folic acid? Did I have a fever? All those things. BUT, when those things come I really try to focus on the fact that God formed Haven and He is in control.

Alissa said...

I am so sorry I missed out on the book reading. What book is this from? I would love to get in on this if at all possible. I know i didint know my babies but can I get in on it? If no I understand.

Alissa said...

1) Do you think God can use your loss(es) for good? Has He already done so? Please share. I try and think that maybe God took my angels because they didn’t need to feel the pain of the world. Maybe the loss of my angels will make me a better mother.

2) Have you felt any anger or bitterness since the loss of you child(ren)? To whom or where has your anger been directed towards?

YES! I feel that God did this to me because he hates me. I hate what hell I have been delt and hate others that have the happy ending I wish I had. In anger I have turned my back on God. What loving God would do this to me I feel. What such wrong did I do to deserve this?

3) Has anyone been insensitive to your feelings of grief for your child(ren)? What are some of the things that were said to you that you wish hadn't been?

It hurts when people say it happened for a reason and that is just was not meant to be.

4) Do you agree with the author on this? If your child(ren) was with you for a little while, whether in the womb or in your arms, what memories do you cherish?

I don't agree with the author. I only had my beautiful angel for 12weeks but the memories of her heart beating lives in me for a life time.

5) What dreams did you have for your child?

I had dreams of my girls growing up together, tea parties, dressing a like, and becoming best friends. I had dreams of holding my2 girls in my arms.

croleyc69 said...

I think that the Lord allows everything to happen for a reason. We don't always understand why but I think it makes us a stronger person. I also believe that it has made me be a better Mother.
At first I was upset w/ God. Then with my first miscarriage I went to the E.R & they just put in a room & I laid there hoping I wasn't losing it but inside I already felt it was gone. So I was upset w/ Hospital even though there was nothing they could do. The day before I lost my baby, my son who was w/ his father. I had court-ordered visitation at the time & my older 2 children are from another relationship. There father is a junkie & he had stabbed my son. My son was alright but he was only 6 yrs old. I was so scared for him & I feel that w/ all the stuff that happened it might caused the misccariage. So I was very upset w/ there father for one doing that too our son & then I lost my baby.
Yes alot of people told me that it just wasn't meant to be & you already have 3 children. I had 2 misccariages the first one I found out was a boy which I really wanted another son. My second one I wasn't far enough along but still it was life both times & I wish so much they were here.
I know how much children mean to me & even though I only carried them a short time, I knew they were there. No I don't agree .
I just looked so forward to all of my children, just all the smiles & the joys that each & everyday can bring. Every child is so special in there own way. I just love being a MOM.
Also Holly just to let you know sorry this is on there late this past wk has been a busy one. HUGS !!!!!

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