Friday, May 01, 2009

A weight has been lifted

Wow. This morning I did something I've been wanting to do for a loooong time now. I knew it wouldn't be easy and my heart was pounding so fast. But I picked up the phone and I called my mom. We joyfully chatted for a minute before I got right down to it.

"Mom, I've got something to tell you and it's probably going to upset you."

"What is it hun?"

"Back when Anthony and I first started dating I got pregnant....and I had an abortion."

There! It's finally out there! Whew! At that moment do you realize the huge weight that was lifted off my shoulders? I had been carrying that burden for 6 1/2 years now. I've wanted to tell my parents for so long now and I finally did. Why now? I'm leading a discussion of I'll Hold You In Heaven with my blog followers and I felt that God wanted me to be open about my abortion. But I knew I owed it to my parents to tell them first before the whole wide world caught wind of it.

My mom took it extremely well. At least over the phone. I gave her the condensed version of how it came about and some of the events after and we talked it over. I just hope that she doesn't feel it is her fault at all. It was ultimately my choice and I made the wrong one. Why did I do it? I was too scared to tell my parents I was pregnant. Sounds like a pretty lousy reason but at the time my emotions were high.

Maybe in a future post I will share more about my story. I'm just so glad that God forgives. Like He is using Carleigh's story for good, He has used Jordan's for good also.


Christina said...

Hi, Holly! I found your blog through Courtney's. I am not a mommy to human babies yet, I have animal babies, but I am the baby sister of three sweet angels. I'm reading your blog beginning to present, not sure if you will see this, but I just wanted to comment on this one. First, you are an AMAZING mother, Jordan, Kyndra, Carleigh, and your new one (I've only seen pictures on the "you might like" section so not sure of the name, hehe) are truly blessed to have you as a mommy. Your strength is truly awe inspiring, and I do feel the strength and peace of God when I read your blog. I do hope this comes out right, I'm not always the best orator, but please bear in mind this is NOT meant to be offensive and I'll do my absolute best to word it in a way that won't sound mean. :)

Having never been pregnant, I can not begin to understand how you felt with Jordan and with Carleigh. I would like to think personally, that I will not have an abortion, but I try to NEVER judge anyone. God knows your fear drove you in this, and it truly breaks my heart to think anyone has so much fear because of a pregnancy. My hope and prayer, is that someday, unexpected pregnancy will be more accepted. I do understand based on Jordan's story, that you morally feel premarital sex is wrong and that is completely fine for me, I my self am planning to wait for marriage. My hope is someday, we will be more open to women in your situation, that instead of judging, we will open our hearts and say, "we love you". It took so much courage to talk about your experience with Jordan, again I can not say enough how inspired I am by your courage. No matter how anyone else feels about you for this, please know that you will always been seen by me, as a wonderful mother, wife and person. I pray you continue to find peace in both of your losses, and that you will feel Jordan's presence telling you, "I love you, Mommy" as well as Carleigh's presence. Thank you for sharing your story. I tend to babble, so I'll try to wrap this up, hehe! :)

Oh, I also learned just today, that my Great Uncle may have had a form of anencephaly. He was my Grandmother's brother, he was born before her and died very soon after his birth. I was talking to my Mom today about doctors and that lead to talk of anencephaly. She told me she did not know what it was until she went to the fertility doctor while she and Dad were trying to conceive. During the full medical history, Mom told the doctor about my Great Uncle, and she believes they used the term anencephaly. I have often wondered why I am drawn to baby loss blogs, but I think it may be God guiding me. Being the baby sister and rainbow baby of the family, I long to know more about my siblings. I find that with the blogs, in a small way, I can almost understand my older siblings short journeys. As for the anencephaly blogs, I wonder if God lead me here because of my families link to this disorder, or His way of teaching me greater compassion. I'm sorry to drag this out so long, and I truly hope this made sense and wasn't offensive at all. I hope all is well on your end! God bless!


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