Friday, May 08, 2009

Letter to Carleigh

My precious Carleigh,

It's been over a month since you've been gone. At times it seems so long since we said goodbye and then other times it feels just like yesterday. How I miss you! I've loved you since the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. My joy was bursting at the seams. Although Daddy wished for a boy I longed for another little girl, a sister for Kyndra to be close to and grow up with. When it was confirmed you were indeed a girl I was so happy! My dream of having 2 girls close in age had come true.

But that dream was shattered when we found out that we would not be able to keep you. This wasn't supposed to happen to my little girl! From that moment I loved you more than ever before. People didn't understand my love for you. They couldn't understand why I would choose to keep you knowing you would not live. I would not back down from my decision. My path was set and so was yours. God knew that I would love you so fiercely and He was preparing me for you.

It hurt a lot to know that you would not live, but I picked up the pieces of my broken heart and I moved forward. I started to prepare for you. Really prepare. I don't think I spared a single detail. It was my way of having control of a situation that was out of my hands. It wasn't always easy, these preparations. I didn't want to have to look at tiny caskets and decide what color of granite your marker would be. Planning for your funeral felt so very wrong, especially when I could feel your little kicks inside me.

Do you know that I loved feeling you move? I did! I'd put my hand over your foot and you'd move to a different spot. Sorry if that irritated you but I couldn't help myself! Feeling your foot through my belly I imagined what you looked like. Would you look like your big sister? When we saw you on the ultrasound you definitely had your sister's chubby cheeks. I think you resemble your sister a lot, except your hands and feet. Yours were bigger with long and slender fingers and toes. You must have gotten that from me because Daddy's fingers are short and stubby. I loved your hiccups too. I was so excited when I felt them for the first time. Your hiccups were always so light. Many times I had to sit to even feel them. They got a little stronger as you grew bigger. Your hiccups gave me hope that you would be born alive.

But you weren't. You were gone before you took a breath. I hope that you didn't feel any pain or suffer during that time. I can't bear the thought of that. Towards the end your heart was still beating but it seemed softer and I hoped that it was just because you were dropping and we couldn't hear it as well. Your kicks started to come less frequent. But I still held onto my hope. You were born and placed on my chest. I was afraid of what you would look like, but you were so beautiful. You were perfect. How could I have been afraid?

Erin checked your heart to see if it was beating but it wasn't. I wished you could have been born alive. Even though I wanted that so much I was glad to have you in my arms. At that moment it didn't matter. I had you and it was enough.

We kept you with us until we left the hospital. You were always by my side, even when I slept. It felt so good to have you near. The day we left was very difficult. I knew what was coming next and I didn't want to face it. The most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my entire life was hand you to the funeral director and walk away. Burying you was easier than this. It truly broke me and I sobbed in your Daddy's arms. Just thinking of the pain I felt that day overwhelms me. I knew you were safe in Heaven and not in your body, but your body was all I had here on earth and I didn't want to let you go yet. I think the only thing that got me through the night was knowing I'd be able to see you again the next day.

Do you know how much you have impacted my life? Do you know how you have touched others? Your life had (and still has) such great purpose! I am so proud of you! I feel so very blessed to be your mother. This Mother's Day is bittersweet. I get to celebrate being the mother of such a wonderful little girl but yet you aren't here with me to celebrate. I'm going to visit your grave this Sunday and I hope they have your marker up so that I can put some flowers in your vase. I would really love to be able to do that on Mother's Day.

I miss you so much and I wish we were together. I wish your sister had you here. It comforts me so much to know you are in Heaven with Jesus. There's not a better place you could be. I wish I was there with you but my work here on earth is not yet done. I'll see you soon, my sweet baby.

I'll love you always,


Linda said...

Holly, this was such a beautiful and intimate letter to your sweet baby girl. I could feel the intense emotions and the beautiful love that you have for your little one.
It almost didn't feel right reading it. Almost like I was intruding.

Bless you Holly, you sweet grieving mama. It is all so fresh,...the hurt and the pain.

Your letter to Carleigh brought back so much to my memory of our little Samuel as Lynnette and Kyle , and my husband John and I kissed him goodbye, and held him near to us right after he went to be with Jesus. It was so hard to see the man wrap him in a sheet and take him away to the funeral home.

Like you said,... we knew he wasn't in his body anymore, but safe in the arms of Jesus,..but I know what you mean, was just so hard to let him go.

Lynnette and I remember the kind of pain you are going through honey, and our hearts go out to you.

I pray that you can get through Mother's Day by the beautiful grace of God. And may you feel wrapped up in His arms of love as you visit Carleigh's grave. May He give you peace.

Love in Christ,
Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

El said...

Hi Holly-

I wanted to say hello, as we have something in common. Our children were share a birthday. My son was also stillborn on 3/28/07. I have a good friend, Mandy, whose son was born and died on 3/28/08. It's with great joy and sadness that I welcome you to our little club. =) What a blessing to be able to meet and keep Carleigh with you for a time. I wouldn't trade the time I had with my son, Eli, for anything. I would go through it all again for those hours with him.

I'd love to talk if you're interested,


Anonymous said...

This is your Aunt Jenny I wished I could have spoiled you just a little but I know when we see each other in heaven that God will let me catch up on the days I have missed. We love you xoxox

Mom Putnam said...

Oh my Beautiful Baby Girl--- Reading this letter was so difficult for me and hard with the pain and the tears to go with it. I miss her so much too and my pain is for her but, it is for you more, because I want to fix it and I can't. You will always have this road and I cant walk it with you, only behind you, trying to hold you the best I can. I sure wish this was a road we never had to go down. I will think of you on Sunday and pray for you during the day to hold you and lift you up. I love you my darling.xoxox

Christina said...

What a sweet sweet letter! She is looking down on you right now, proud that she was given to you!

MommyIvy said...

What a beautiful letter Holly. I will be saying a prayer for you on Mothers Day. Stay strong my friend.


Betty said...

Bittersweet indeed.
God surely has amazing blessings in store for you after all of your suffering and pain. I hate it that anyone would have to go through something like this, let alone some one as kind and good hearted as you. This was such a beautiful letter...thank you for sharing it with us all!

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...


What a beautiful letter from a beautiful mother's heart. I wanted to come over and thank you for your sweet comment on my blog...and to agree with you that it is most certainly God's grace that carries you. Hoping in Him is what makes the grief different. And, then I read this intimate, precious letter straight from your heart to your sweet daughter. And...I am touched beyond words. Praying for you...for His continued sufficient grace and comfort...especially on this Mother's Day...

Love to you... my beautiful friend,

Anonymous said...

I am truly sorry that you had to experience this loss I really am. I also realize that Carleigh was/is a blessing and I think about her everyday! I love you so much and I wish that there was something I could do or say to relieve you of some of the pain if even for only a second. I know that you are strong and I can feel your strength just by reading your blog. You and Carleigh have touched many lives and you have become someone I look up to and wish I could be more like. I don't know if I would of been able to do what you did if the shoe was on my foot. I don't think that the mothers who did before you did it so easily. You knew you were going ti carry her right from the beginning and I know that you did it lovingly faithfully and selflessly. When I got my tattoo I was laying on my stomach asking God why! Why is there even a reason for this tattoo why can't she still be with us! It hurts holly and I know that what I am feeling is only a pinch of what you have been feeling so my heart is with you every second of everyday. And I will wear my tattoo as a proud aunt who loves her little niece with everything I am! I hope that you have a wonderful mothers day and I hope that I will be seeing u soon!

croleyc69 said...

What a wonderful & beautiful letter, thanx for sharing it. You are a wonderful MOMMY & Carleigh was proud to be given to you. Been thinking of you & praying for you. HUGS !!!!! Caroline

stitchndeb said...

That must have been hard to write, and I feel honored that you shared it with us. It would be cool if Carleigh's marker was up tomorrow! ~Debbie

Katrina said...

What a beautiful letter!! We all miss her so much and wish she was here with us. I know Carleigh has impacted Jason more than even I realize. Carleigh, along with you, has made me want to become a better person every day and live for the moment and not for tomorrow. You're right, she is still impacting people's lives and she has been gone for such a short time. May her legacy here on Earth touch many more people. We love you!

Stephanie said...

What a wonderful letter Holly. I love it. It actually brought tears to my eyes. But so wonderfully written.

Anonymous said...

This little girl has had an impact on many lives and will continue to do so for many years to come. This experience going through with you and Carleigh has open up for me a chapter in my life that I didn't have time to grieve for the child I lost before Amber. I still think of this child I lost. And it bring great memories of looking back at my other 3 children I gave birth too. I look at all 7 of my grandchildren in a different light and just look at them when they do the smallest things and cherish the times I have with them. I also look at my children all of them including Angie too and cherish the times I have with them. Thank you Carleigh for giving me the ability to cherish the little things in life and teaching me that to be greatful for the smallest things. You have given me so much in the time you were with us. I love you and I will see you in heaven.
Love, Aunt Nancy

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