Letter to Carleigh

My precious Carleigh,

It's been over a month since you've been gone. At times it seems so long since we said goodbye and then other times it feels just like yesterday. How I miss you! I've loved you since the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. My joy was bursting at the seams. Although Daddy wished for a boy I longed for another little girl, a sister for Kyndra to be close to and grow up with. When it was confirmed you were indeed a girl I was so happy! My dream of having 2 girls close in age had come true.

But that dream was shattered when we found out that we would not be able to keep you. This wasn't supposed to happen to my little girl! From that moment I loved you more than ever before. People didn't understand my love for you. They couldn't understand why I would choose to keep you knowing you would not live. I would not back down from my decision. My path was set and so was yours. God knew that I would love you so fiercely and He was preparing me for you.

It hurt a lot to know that you would not live, but I picked up the pieces of my broken heart and I moved forward. I started to prepare for you. Really prepare. I don't think I spared a single detail. It was my way of having control of a situation that was out of my hands. It wasn't always easy, these preparations. I didn't want to have to look at tiny caskets and decide what color of granite your marker would be. Planning for your funeral felt so very wrong, especially when I could feel your little kicks inside me.

Do you know that I loved feeling you move? I did! I'd put my hand over your foot and you'd move to a different spot. Sorry if that irritated you but I couldn't help myself! Feeling your foot through my belly I imagined what you looked like. Would you look like your big sister? When we saw you on the ultrasound you definitely had your sister's chubby cheeks. I think you resemble your sister a lot, except your hands and feet. Yours were bigger with long and slender fingers and toes. You must have gotten that from me because Daddy's fingers are short and stubby. I loved your hiccups too. I was so excited when I felt them for the first time. Your hiccups were always so light. Many times I had to sit to even feel them. They got a little stronger as you grew bigger. Your hiccups gave me hope that you would be born alive.

But you weren't. You were gone before you took a breath. I hope that you didn't feel any pain or suffer during that time. I can't bear the thought of that. Towards the end your heart was still beating but it seemed softer and I hoped that it was just because you were dropping and we couldn't hear it as well. Your kicks started to come less frequent. But I still held onto my hope. You were born and placed on my chest. I was afraid of what you would look like, but you were so beautiful. You were perfect. How could I have been afraid?

Erin checked your heart to see if it was beating but it wasn't. I wished you could have been born alive. Even though I wanted that so much I was glad to have you in my arms. At that moment it didn't matter. I had you and it was enough.

We kept you with us until we left the hospital. You were always by my side, even when I slept. It felt so good to have you near. The day we left was very difficult. I knew what was coming next and I didn't want to face it. The most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my entire life was hand you to the funeral director and walk away. Burying you was easier than this. It truly broke me and I sobbed in your Daddy's arms. Just thinking of the pain I felt that day overwhelms me. I knew you were safe in Heaven and not in your body, but your body was all I had here on earth and I didn't want to let you go yet. I think the only thing that got me through the night was knowing I'd be able to see you again the next day.

Do you know how much you have impacted my life? Do you know how you have touched others? Your life had (and still has) such great purpose! I am so proud of you! I feel so very blessed to be your mother. This Mother's Day is bittersweet. I get to celebrate being the mother of such a wonderful little girl but yet you aren't here with me to celebrate. I'm going to visit your grave this Sunday and I hope they have your marker up so that I can put some flowers in your vase. I would really love to be able to do that on Mother's Day.

I miss you so much and I wish we were together. I wish your sister had you here. It comforts me so much to know you are in Heaven with Jesus. There's not a better place you could be. I wish I was there with you but my work here on earth is not yet done. I'll see you soon, my sweet baby.

I'll love you always,
Mommy