What I’m grateful for

I decided to take part in a writing link-up with The Dead Baby Club. I like linking up to stuff like this because it gives me the opportunity to sit and think and write about things on my grief journey. I don’t write like I used to simply because sometimes I feel like everything has already been said, but I know that’s not true. This journey is continually evolving. The topic for this link-up is about gratitude.

Gratitude. Since the loss of my child(ren) the one thing I am most grateful for is…..

I have found that I am a lot more grateful for healthy, living children than I ever was. I took it for granted. I mean, I realized things happened but I never figured it would happen to me. It’s always other people that stuff happens to. But then it became me and my world was shattered and changed forever. The innocence of pregnancy was no more and in crept the fear of losing another child. And it didn’t end with the end of the pregnancy. It continues as the child grows.

My husband thinks I am a little overboard at times with our rainbow baby. Like when I check on her breathing just 5 minutes after putting her down asleep or when we are driving and I check on her in her car seat to make sure she’s still breathing. I can’t help it. The death of my child has made me paranoid. I told him that just because it happened to us once doesn’t mean we are exempt from it happening again. There are no rules with this kind of thing.

More than ever I believe that every child who is born healthy and alive is a true miracle. I don’t take that miracle for granted like before.

Lynnette's book-Chapter 4

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This book reading is for In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me by Lynnette Kraft. (To visit Lynnette's blog click here.)

I can't say that I blame Lynnette for feeling disappointed that she was pregnant again after having 3 babies in just 3 years time. She was facing a lot of difficulties emotionally and physically. It can be hard to be happy and optimistic when your body and mind aren't feeling the same way. Kyle supported Lynnette and knew in time she would be happy, and he was right. Things started looking up and Lynnette began feeling better. Everything seemed to be going fine with the pregnancy and the delivery went well too.

Lynnette talked a tiny bit about labor and childbirth. I haven't experienced going into labor on my own yet. Both with Kyndra and with Carleigh I was induced. I swear Pitocin doesn't work on me. I never really make any progress with it and the contractions don't bother me at all, but once my water is broken then things start moving. I found out later after Kyndra was born that I was in active labor for 5 hours with Kyndra but I had been on Pit all day. It was pretty much the same with Carleigh too. I'm like Lynnette when in labor because I'm quiet too. I do a lot of deep breathing. With both girls I got epidurals. In one way I am glad I did because it really helped me to relax and to dilate quicker but in another way I wish I could've experienced birth naturally with them. Perhaps some day?

I didn't feel a thing once I got an epidural with Kyndra. I didn't even know when I was contracting so they had to tell me when it was time to push. I ended up needing an episiotomy and the vacuum to get her out quicker because of her heart rate. My epidural with Carleigh was a little different. It only worked on the left side of my body, which was dead weight. I could feel everything on my right side and move that half just fine. I had more freedom to do things with Carleigh's labor because of the outcome. I was able to be unhooked from the monitors and move around freely. If you have experienced labor, what was yours like?

Josiah was born and it was apparent something wasn't right because he was struggling to breathe. He was taken away and it was found that he had a diaphragmatic hernia. It made me think of the people I have encountered whose lives have been touched by CDH. I think of April. Do you know of anyone whose lives have been impacted by CDH (or has your own)?

This experience of Lynnette's is exactly what I fear-having to endure the loss of our baby a second time. I liked Kyle's words. "God won't bring anything into our lives that he doesn't already have planned." And then when talking about the coffee cup, "God will only take his hand off when he is letting something into our lives. He is protecting us." I can't ever imagine God bringing something into my life that would not benefit me in some way. He would never harm me, but Satan certainly would. How do these words spoken by Kyle make you feel?

During our journey with Carleigh I always felt like God was there. I leaned on Him during the tough times. I leaned on others going through the same thing. I never imagined that going through such a rough road would draw me closer to God, but that's exactly what happened. Lynnette read the Psalms to help find comfort and hope. I found a lot of scriptures helpful, but I was able to find more comfort in songs. Many of these songs are ones I hear on KLOVE. During difficult times, where do you find your comfort?

If God had asked my permission, would I have said yes too, like Lynnette? I certainly would!! I know that God knows what's best for my life. I don't always have to like it, but I can trust in Him. Seeing how much of a blessing Carleigh has been in my life makes me glad that I have made this journey. What would you say?

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Lynnette's Book-Chapter 2

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This book reading is for In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me by Lynnette Kraft. (To visit Lynnette's blog click here.)

I remember fondly Lynnette's memories of the times with her son, Jared, such as cuddling and nursing. I enjoyed those moments very much. Babies bring so much joy! I actually enjoyed changing diapers and still do! It became more enjoyable for me once I started using cloth diapers. Anthony doesn't seem to mind changing them but he likes to pass the poopy ones off to me. Aw, thanks hun.

It is true, at least for me, when they say your mommy instincts will kick in. Many times I knew just what to do in regards to my baby. It's like I'd always been a mommy. I had to laugh at Lynnette's story of forgetting to put a diaper on her son. I've had my moments too! Do you have a funny experience to share? What are some of the silly or stupid things you did? I remember when Kyndra was real little and I was getting her ready for her bath. I had already taken her diaper off in the living room and thrown it away. She suddenly decided it was a good time to take a poopy. I saw what her plans were and I scooped her up and tried to get her to the bathroom as fast as I could while keep her as far from my body as possible. Needless to say that didn't quite work out like I wanted it to. There was a trail of poopy leading to the bathroom and then some on the bathroom floor including my foot. I was still nursing so you can imagine how lovely that was. At least it was easy to clean up. I learned to take her diaper off in the bathroom as close to the tub as possible just in case.

Kyndra was 6 months old when we decided to start trying for another baby. I wasn't nursing anymore at this point as my supply had dwindled because of working or else I probably would've waited longer. After just a month of trying we were able to conceive. My pregnancy with Carleigh was easier than with Kyndra. I wasn't dead tired in the first trimester. I didn't have a lot of nausea either. I also had no idea that anything was wrong with my baby. When I had my first ultrasound at 7 weeks to check dates, little Carleigh was measuring 6 weeks so we adjusted my due date from April 17 to April 24. Later we found out that my April 17 due date was really correct. Her measurement was off because of her head.

Has there been a time in your life that you felt the world was falling apart? When Lynnette shared about finding out about Samuel's anencephaly it took me back to my own D-Day. It's a very tough thing to be told that the child that you are carrying will not live. I imagine things had to be more difficult back then when there wasn't a lot of support around. I was so glad to read that Lynnette found a good doctor who really cared for her. I am glad Lynnette leaned on God to get her through. I know I am thankful that God was there for me.

Miracles. So many people hope for them. We had a lot of people praying for us (and who continue to do so! thank you!) and I know many prayed for a miracle for us. This is actually one thing I never did pray for. I never asked God to heal Carleigh. I only asked Him to let her be born alive so I could spend some time with her. He answered my prayer, but He told me no. I wasn't angry at Him. God could've allowed Carleigh to be born alive but He didn't. God obviously knew that more good could be achieved with her not being born alive. I can't possible begin to fathom all the reasons why but that's not my job. I am just to trust Him. Has God ever worked a miracle in your life or in the life of someone you know?

I could really relate when Lynnette said she drew closer to her husband in carrying Samuel. It has been the same for Anthony and I too. God has made us stronger and drawn us closer to Him in a way we may have never been had we not been blessed with Carleigh. Anthony was always there with his loving arms during times I struggled with my emotions. How has difficult times affected your marriage?

I can sympathize with Lynnette's fear of the unknown at the time. Lynnette's friend's words certainly ran true for me. "Lynnette, love that baby while you still have her. She is still alive in your womb. Nuture her and care for her. Sing to her. Love her." The farther along I got in my pregnancy with Carleigh the more I grew to love her. I cherished my time with her. This is how my pregnancy with Kyndra was different. I didn't cherish those little things as much. I mean, why should I? I wasn't expecting her to die. I wish I would've. It just made Carleigh's time with me that much sweeter and it strengthened our bond.

What fears have you struggled with? My biggest fear with Carleigh was what she would look like. The pictures online of babies with anencephaly are not pretty ones. It can be downright scary. Luckily, through my anencephaly support group I was able to see our babies as they were meant to be. Loved and in the arms of their parents instead of on a table as a specimen. But even after seeing pictures of other babies, I still held some of that fear.....until I saw her. And then I wondered what they heck I was so scared of. She was beautiful. What I fear now is the chance of this happening to us again. I know that the chance is very small, especially with me being on high doses of folic acid, but I know it can happen. Then my mind wanders to the idea of my baby having some other fatal defect. I just don't want to have to endure the loss of another child, whether it be early in pregnancy through later in life. However, I know that no matter what happens God will be there for us and He will get us through any trial we face.

I loved Lynnette and Kyle's plan for their family. It's one that I would love to follow but I also know that Anthony wouldn't be to keen on the idea of just letting God bless us with as many children as He wants! If it was up to him, he would've stopped after we had Kyndra. I feel very strongly in my heart that God wants me to have more children. It's something I've prayed over many times. I would be quite happy to have a houseful of children. Anthony's biggest worry is over finances. Some days I'd really like to knock him upside the head and tell him to trust God already! God's plan and timing are perfect. Do you feel that God has a plan for your life?

I knew that most likely Carleigh wouldn't come on her own so I wanted to carry her for as long as possible. I wanted to reach my due date. However, I made the decision at 37 weeks to go ahead with an induction because of her IUGR. I think if I could go back I would've waited instead of proceeding with the induction. I was anxious to meet my little girl but I could've also spent a few more weeks with her. But I made the decision I thought was best at the time and with the advice I had been given. I'm so happy that Lynnette and her family got that time with Samuel. It couldn't have been easy at times, especially seeing him having the seizures and slowing losing weight. We never want to see our children suffer.

Lynnette's words, "Up to that day, the hardest thing I ever had to do was place my precious infant son in another's arms, knowing that while I was still alike, I would never hold him again. Samuel had gained heaven, but we were left here with empty arms. God would give us victory, and I would trust in his purposes for all of our pain. I would look forward to seein Samuel again," are words that I feel are very true. Handing Carleigh over to the funeral director was by far the hardest part of my whole journey. What has been the hardest moment of your life so far?

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Under The Tree-June

If you have lost a child and have not yet red about Under The Tree you can do so here.

This month is a little different. Instead of focusing on grief, it will be more of a 'get to know you' kind of thing. So here are some likes and dislikes and a little more about me.

Hair Color: My natural color is blonde. When I was younger I had white-blonde hair. As I've gotten older my hair has gotten darker. Now it's more of a light brown.

Eye Color: Hazel. I love my color of hazel.

Profession: Nuclear Medicine Technologist. It's just one of the modalities in Radiology.

Relationship Status: Married

My Favorites

Color: It's always been blue. My room when I lived with my parents was nothing but blue. I've become more fond of other colors as the years have passed, like green.

Movie: Facing the Giants and Fireproof. I love them!

Animal: Dog. I love dogs. They have such personalities and give you so much affection.

Store: I don't do a lot of shopping. I don't have a favorite that I just have to go to. It used to be American Eagle back in the day but I don't think their clothes are all that great now.

Childhood Memory: I always enjoyed going to my friend Autumn's grandma's house. A bunch of us would stay there and we'd make up stuff and play weird games. Always a great time. I remember one time in high school I drove around the block in my Jimmy with my friend Denise riding on top of it. lol

Hobby: I like to scrapbook but there's not a lot of time for it. I enjoy reading too!

Song/Singer: I love Jeremy Camp!!!! I really like Matthew West too.

Book/Author: Oh my gosh. I love Twilight!! *drool* Yep, I'm one of those. The Host is Awesome too.

School Subject: I've always had a love with Science. If it's science-related then I am there!

Vacation Destination: Hawaii hands down. I've been there 5 times and I plan on going again. We've went there since I was little and on our last trip Carleigh was still with us and that just makes it extra special.

Food: Anything that's a carb. Does that count? lol I am a bread person. :)

Restaurant: Cheddar's or Red Lobster. I always get a virgin strawberry daiquiri at Cheddar's. It's awesome.

This or That

Coke or Pepsi: Neither. They're both gross. Odd flavors in my opinion.

Beer or Wine: Neither. They're both gross. I don't drink.

Coffee or Tea: Neither. They're both gross. Period.

Apple Juice or OJ: Neither. They're both gross, but a little less gross then those mentioned above. I'd drink them if I was thirsty enough. Do you see a pattern here? I either drink water or organic milk. Occasionally I will have a pop but not that often. It's either a Sierra Mist or IBC root beer. I consider it a treat.

Summer or Winter: Summer because I get cold easily. I love feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin.

Cats or Dogs: Dogs. I am so not a cat person. Wretched cats poop in my flower beds.

Salty or Sweet: I'd much prefer SOUR.

Boat or Plane: I guess I'd say plane because it could get me to where I'm going faster. I don't have a problem with either.

Morning or Night: I am a morning person and always have been. I cannot stay up late at all. But of course I get up at 3:30 am almost every day!

Money or Love: Love. If you have money and no love than that is a sad life.

Breakfast or Dinner: This is a hard one! I like both meals but breakfast is the most important meal of the day they say.

Forgiveness or Revenge: Forgiveness. I feel no need to ever get revenge. I'll leave that to God, thank you.

House or Apartment: House. It's bigger and I can choose to have no neighbors right next to me making loud noises at all hours of the night. Yeah, a house sounds much nicer.

Like to cook: Well, my hubby cooks more than me. We eat on the grill a lot and that's his area. Plus, he took over a lot of things when I was on bed rest with Kyndra and cooking was one of them.

Have you ever

Got a speeding ticket: Yes. I was going 79 in a 65. This was back in my college days. My friend and I were driving back to Findlay from Polaris in Columbus.

Wished you were someone else: Not really. I like who I am.

Cried during a movie: Of course.

Describe yourself in one word: Compassionate

Biggest fear: Losing someone I love for all eternity. This is why I pray that all come to know Jesus Christ and follow Him. I want to be able to see them again.

Biggest mistake: Not keeping Jordan. I will always regret that for all my life.

Your proudest accomplishment: My children. Nothing I've done could be better than them.

Dream job: I'm already living my dream job as a Nuc Med Tech. It's something I was set on doing since I was a sophomore in high school. I've never regretted it. I love it!

Special Talents: I always considered myself good at playing the clarinet back in the day. It's been a long time though. I think I was pretty decent at sports too. Those are pretty common talents. A weird talent is my thumbs can bend back in a very odd way. Naturally, too, without even trying. It's rather kind of freaky.

Where would you rather be at the moment: In my bed napping. I would love a nap. A nice, long one.

Famous person you want to meet: I really have no desire to meet any celebrities whatsoever.

Song to be played at your funeral: I like Wish You Were Here by Mark Harris

Reading Group-Chapter 8

This is the final chapter of the book I'll Hold You In Heaven. It is titled "Three Steps to Loving".

The author mentions that death comes in many different forms in our lives-relationships, dreams, loved ones, etc.

1) In what ways has death affected your life?

The author goes on to tell us of his changed attitude toward those who have chosen abortion.

2) Do you think it is a good change? How does his attitude compare to yours?

3) In what ways have you or could you help others?

4) What did you think of the book as a whole?

Thank you to everyone who participated in the group reading and discussion. Since you were so wonderful to join me in reading the book and answering my questions I have a little giveaway just for you! I have a Burt's Bees Lip Stash Pack that contains 3 beeswax lip balms and 1 beeswax lip balm tin. So, if you would like to win this pack then just say you want to be entered in the giveaway after you answer the questions. (You can only enter this giveaway if you read the book with the group.)

I hope that you have enjoyed this as much as I have!

Reading Group-Chapter 6

This week's reading was Chapter 6 titled "Instruments of Healing".

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV

We all face tragedies in life. Satan tries to take advantage of us during these times. He means to harm us and break our relationship with God. During difficult times we must remember to draw closer to God, as it is only He that can sustain us. God can bring goodness and light in our lives during the times it is very dark. He can use our experiences for good-for ourselves and for others.

1) Do you think God can use your loss(es) for good? Has He already done so? Please share.

Anger is a normal response to the loss of a child. We shouldn't try to hide it but we also shouldn't take it out on people who don't deserve it. Instead, take it to God. Tell Him why you are angry and ask Him to help you deal with it and release you from its bondage.

2) Have you felt any anger or bitterness since the loss of you child(ren)? To whom or where has your anger been directed towards?

Undoubtedly, we've all been there.....receiving a not-so-nice-but-well-intentioned comment from a friend or family member. Perhaps some of those comments weren't even well-intentioned. No matter their intention, they can hurt. The fact is we've lost somebody we love very much and it hurts regardless of how much time they spent here on earth.

3) Has anyone been insensitive to your feelings of grief for your child(ren)? What are some of the things that were said to you that you wish hadn't been?

The author makes the statement in the book that the grief we experience may not be as great or the season of grieving as long since there are not many memories to deal with.

4) Do you agree with the author on this? If your child(ren) was with you for a little while, whether in the womb or in your arms, what memories do you cherish?

5) What dreams did you have for your child?

Guilt is another normal reaction to grief. Often, parents feel like they could've done more to help their child(ren) and then things would've been ok. Guilt can surface from choices that were made. We need to turn this guilt over to God and allow Him to heal us. It isn't always easy but if we keep steadfast in Him we will prevail.

6) Do you carry any guilt over the loss of your child(ren)?

Reading Group-Chapter 4

Chapter 4 of I'll Hold You In Heaven is titled "Destiny In The Afterworld".

God wants us to be in eternity with Him. He sent His son, Jesus, to pay the penalty for our sins.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. John 3:16-17

1) What does it mean to you to know that God loved us so much that He let Jesus die for us?

The Bible tells us that when innocent ones like our children leave us on earth they are taken immediately into the Father's presence.

2) How does it make you feel to know your child(ren) was ushered into Heaven once they left this world?

Losing a child is a great tragedy. Satan will use this opportunity to try and bring you down. He will try to separate you from God. In the midst of our grieving and pain we must seek Him. He can bring you the comfort and peace you are searching for. Satan means to harm you but God will lift you up. Just reach out your hand.

3) When you were most desperate in your grieving who did you reach out to? Who helped you the most? Were there times you felt extremely low with little hope? How did you overcome these low points?

Reading Group-Chapter 2

Chapter 2 of I'll Hold You In Heaven is titled " When Does Significance Begin?" Here we go!

God is always in our lives whether we choose to recognize it or not. We can't escape His presence-it's everywhere around us. It's in the sky. It's on the ground. It's the breeze blowing through the trees. He's everywhere and it's simply amazing. But what about our unborn children?

1) Do you believe that God is with each child in the womb? Do you believe he was with your baby (babies)?

Psalm 139 tells us that God is with us, even from the very beginning.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

A question that has been much debated is "when does life begin?" This question can get people pretty heated. Not too long ago a law was passed in the North Dakota house that pretty much gives the same rights to "all human beings from the beginning of their biological development, including the pre-born, partially born." Boy, oh, boy was there an uproar about it! People were screaming that it would only outlaw abortion and birth control.

2) In your opinion, when does life begin in the womb? Have you ever come across people who don't agree with your opinion? What do you think of this possible law in North Dakota or even nationally?

Life in the womb is amazing. From a single cell we grow and develop. We definitely are fearfully and wonderfully made but by no means perfect.

3) If your child(ren) left you before their birth, how far along were you in your pregnancy? If you child(ren) was born alive, how far along were you when you gave birth? How long were they with you on this earth?

The author shares the story of Mary visiting Elizabeth after being visited by the angel Gabriel. Elizabeth was already 6 months pregnant and upon hearing the voice of Mary the baby in Elizabeth's womb jumped inside her with joy. He shares this to solidify that a life-both physical and spiritual-is present from the beginning. Our babies have a lasting, eternal soul.

4) Do you believe your child(ren) is indeed in Heaven? Does this comfort you? What do you imagine your child(ren) is doing in God's Kingdom?

In the next section, the author spends time with those who have lost a child through abortion. Often, the parent of an aborted child feels like they aren't worthy of forgiveness or that God or their baby couldn't possibly forgive them for the act they committed. It's simply not true. God is very loving and forgiving. There is nothing we can do that God won't forgive us of if we only ask. In God's eyes, one sin is not greater than another. Sin is sin. A child in Heaven does not hold any ill will toward the parent who chose to abort them. Feelings like that simply do not exist in Heaven. I imagine what they feel is purely love.

5) If you've faced an abortion, have you feared God and your child(ren) wouldn't forgive you? Do you know God's loving forgiveness in your heart today? If not, what feelings have kept you from accepting Him? How has God worked in your life? (This last question can certainly be answered by anyone participating.)

6) Did you face any pressures or fears in choosing abortion?

Remember that God loves you very much. He longs to have a close and personal relationship with you. Trust in Him and His will for you today. People and this life may let you down but God's love never fails.