Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Journey ~ I’m Still Standing


Linking up with Still Standing magazine. A few days behind but that seems like just how it is for me lately.

It has been 3 years 1 month 2 weeks and 1 day since Carleigh was born silent into the world. It’s been 3 years 4 months and 4 weeks since we received her fatal diagnosis of anencephaly.

I never imagined this would be my life. I never wanted this to be my life. I’m so thankful that she was and is part of my life, even if her presence here on this earth was brief.

This road has had a whole lot of hurt in it but it’s also had really wonderful moments. I cherish those moments and hold onto them when the hurt comes around.

The first year was the toughest for me, but God brought me through it. I am still standing and I give the credit to Him. He held me up when I felt like falling. He encouraged me when I felt like giving up. He embraced me when I felt so alone.

Even after 3 years I still think of her every day. Multiple times a day. I don’t see that changing ever. A mother’s heart doesn’t ever forget or ever stop loving, even when a child is not in her arms.

I’m at a point where I can honestly say that I am ok. I’m living with happiness and joy even though she’s not here. I still miss her desperately and there are still moments when my heart is crushed and tears fall, but I always have my hope of seeing her again. A lifetime is a long time without her but I know that what awaits for me is an eternity with her in Heaven. Nothing can compare to the joy of that.

Monday, May 07, 2012

My niece ~ Leah Faith ♥

I hate that I have to write this post after the post about the baby book. The baby that the book was for was for the baby my sister was carrying. Everything was going well and then last week on May 2nd at 17 weeks my little niece, Leah Faith, was born still.

My sister was having some bleeding and cramping. She went to the ER and they admitted her and found her cervix was shortened. Just before they planned to take her to surgery for an emergency cerclage her water broke and then there was nothing that they could do. As soon as I got the call from my mom saying that she was losing the baby I left work, went home and packed our things, grabbed the girls from our sitter, and we drove back to where our family lives, which is about a 2 1/2 hour drive.

I was hoping that I could make it in time before the baby was born but it wasn’t long after I got on the road that my dad called and told me my sister had delivered at 12:04 pm. I made sure to tell my dad to make sure that they get pictures and prints. I also told him that I wanted to see her and to ask to keep her at least until I could.

I dropped the girls off at my parent’s house where a family friend was watching my other nieces and I went straight to the hospital. I got there around 3 pm and the first thing I did when I got into the room was hold my little niece. She was so tiny, yet so perfect. She was 6 oz and 8 inches long.  I made sure to bring my camera to take pictures for my sister and brother-in-law to have later. I knew the pictures the hospital would take would not be enough nor of good quality. I got some really great pictures of her that I know they will cherish.

I ended up staying in the room with my sister and brother-in-law the rest of the day. I stayed after everyone left and the emotions came out. I stayed when the funeral home came to get little Leah. I stayed past visiting hours and finally left around 9:30 pm. I went back to the hospital the next morning with balloons (a monarch butterfly and ‘It’s a Girl’) and donuts (for us and for the nurses). I stuck around until my sister was discharged.

I have to give a big thank you to Kelly, my sweet friend and founder of Sufficient Grace Ministries. She met me very late on the night of May 2nd so that I could have items from the ministry for my sister. She picked out a perfect baby gown for Leah to be able to wear since she had nothing and also a comfort bear, memory book, books on grief, and a mother/baby bracelet set. (All in a SGM tote of course.) It was much appreciate and I was so happy to be able to give my sister these items, especially the gown for Leah to be able to wear.

The service was planned for March 5th, my parent’s 33rd wedding anniversary. It was a beautiful, sunny day. My sister and brother-in-law decided on a graveside service after meeting with the funeral home the day after Leah’s birth. After the service there was a gathering and lunch at my parent’s house.

Both my sister and brother-in-law are doing well considering what they have been through. Their faith is getting them through this and I am glad I was able to be of comfort to them in such a difficult time. I just hate that they have to know what it feels like to lose a child. I never wanted my sister to know such pain.

I also never wanted to have to relive such experiences again after Carleigh but yet I have through my sister. Losing my niece brought up a lot of what I went through with Carleigh. It hurts but we will all get through this. Keep my sister and her family in prayer as they navigate this new road. There will be ups and downs as those of us who have already walked it know. And thank you to the many friends who have shown support for both me and my sister and have prayed for us and our whole family.


Above are the precious prints of my niece, Leah Faith.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

International Bereaved Mother’s Day


If you are a mother who has lost her child(ren), today we remember them with you. You are not alone.

Thank you to the many lovely women and friends I have met along this journey. You are a blessing!

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

May Babies

♥ Remembering those babies with special days this month. ♥

Anthony ~ May 1, 2009
Leah ~ May 2, 2012
Bethany ~ May 3, 2009
Emily ~ May 3, 2008
Olivia ~ May 3, 2010
Beckett ~ May 4, 2009
Jenna ~ May 5, 2009
Christian ~ May 6, 2009
Kristen ~ May 7, 2009
Moira ~ May 8, 2009
Stevie ~ May 8, 2010
Eliana ~ May 9, 2009
Cali ~ May 9, 2011
Ella ~ May 10, 2010
Noah ~ May 10, 2009
Karinne ~ May 10, 2010
Olivia ~ May 12, 2010
Janessa ~ May 14, 2009
Iris ~ May 14, 2008
Gerardo ~ May 15, 2008
Tatum ~ May 15, 2008
Rylan ~ May 15, 2010
Shealyn ~ May 17, 2009
Gideon ~ May  17, 2011
Duncan ~ May 19, 2009
George ~ May 19, 2009
Leila ~ May 21, 2009
Vayden ~ May 23, 2009
Jack ~ May 24, 2009
Lane ~ May 27, 2009
Joel ~ May 28, 2009
Harper-Grace ~ May 28, 2011
Julius ~ May 30, 2010
Wyatt ~ May 31, 2010
Ayana ~ May 31, 2009
Sophia ~ May 31, 2011

If you would like your baby added to the list please leave a comment.
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