Wednesday, May 27, 2009

God's preparation

I can't tell you the many thoughts that run through my head during the course of one day. There are way too many. I could probably post several blogs every day with everything that I have up there. Today was no different, but I'd like to write about one of them in particular as it is one that has been on my mind more than once lately.

I talked on the phone with Celia yesterday and near the end of talking with her our conversation went to finding out the diagnosis. Many families that get a diagnosis of anencephaly struggle with what choice to make and with good reason-it is a very difficult one. Either way you are faced with the death of your child. But you get to choose-sooner or later?

I have to say that I never struggled with what I would choose. I knew right away I would carry Carleigh to term. I actually knew I would before her diagnosis-even before she was conceived. I'm sure if you've been following my blog you've seen me mention how I felt God prepared me. Well, I'd like to dig a little deeper and share a little more about that. I'll start at the beginning.....

I joined Cafemom March 14, 2008, which was a few months after Kyndra was born. (She was born January 10, 2008.) I joined mostly out of curiosity. I had a Myspace account and they always had Cafemom ads on there and one day I just decided to check it out. I'm very glad I did. I've met wonderful mommies through the site that have given me a lot of support and encouragement. (Love you all!) In May, I joined an abortion debate group and in June I posted the question "What would you do if you knew your baby had a fatal condition and would either die in utero or soon after?" I posted a link to the story of Emily Rose as an example. Emily Rose had anencephaly. My response to my question was "It really got me thinking and after reading the story above I am more sure than ever that I would continue with the pregnancy." Along with this I had also vowed I would never have another abortion as long as I lived. Ever. Even if my life depended on it. I honestly would rather die. (This could be a whole other post in itself!)

Now I just didn't read the story I mentioned. I read many stories just like it but not all with a diagnosis of anencephaly (but many were). For some reason I felt compelled to read them. I felt drawn to them and I had no reason why. I simply didn't just read the stories either. I researched about the diagnoses they received so that I knew quite a bit about them. (This is part of my nature-a need to know everything. Maybe that's why I have so much "useless" knowledge.) I remember thinking at the time that such sad stories only happened to other people and not me. That would never happen to me.

Reality check. It did happen.

My daughter got diagnosed with anencephaly.

Was this a coincidence? I really don't believe so. I truly believe that God saw what was ahead of me and prepared me for it. This is not something I write just to say it. I've put a lot of thought and prayer into it. Why did He choose to prepare me when so many other families get the same diagnosis? I can't answer that because I don't know. But I feel very blessed to have had this preparation.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord... Jeremiah 29:11-14

How true this scripture rings in my heart!! God has definitely blessed me through this journey! God has given me hope. He has given me a future. I called out to God and He answered me and our relationship grew stronger and my faith deeper. There were some stumbling blocks along the way. I admit I didn't have a lot of empathy for those who decided not to carry to term. I didn't recognize at first that my attitude was less than appropriate. My emotions were pretty up and down at the time but God finally got through to me. I am ashamed that I was that way, especially since I had made a choice to terminate years before and here I was judging people for something I had done myself. How wrong I was!! God forgave me for behaving in such a manner and allowed me to meet mothers who had made this difficult choice and I was able to gain understanding and much empathy and I am truly, truly grateful. I am still very sorry I acted like that. Not my best moment.

I am truly amazed at my own journey. I am a different person than who I was when I first began this road back in December. I am a better person. I have been called strong and courageous. Many have said they don't think they could be as strong or travel the road I have been on and continue to walk. I can tell you this for sure-my strength, my courage, my everything comes from God! Without Him, I am nothing. That day in the office when the world came crashing down, do you know what I said to God?

I trust You.

And I continue to trust Him. I am in no way more special than anyone else. Just a girl who has faith that her God can do anything.


MommyIvy said...

We love you too Holly! I truly believe tha God was preparing you also. I think that he wanted you to be prepared so that you could use your trust in God to bring other people closer to him. You certainly have me and I think you for it.

stitchndeb said...

Simply amazing. PTL! I think it is wonderful how you are able to look back and see that God really prepared you. (Most of the time in my life I wonder what the heck God is doing?!) I know I mentioned a couple times before Carleigh was born that you were doing the right thing by carrying her to term too, and I believe God will reward you for being so faithful, if not in this life then the next. ~Debbie

Nickel Pickle said...

Holly I can remember people saying to me how strong I was when they found out I was going to carry Logan to term. I was like if you only knew the truth! I am no stronger than any other mother out there, I am not able to cope better than any other mother. I just did it for my son. I had to have every single moment with him I could possibly get.

I have also been guilty of judging mothers for terminating their pregnancies. I think it was because I was so upset at the time & I thought if they only knew what they were missing out on! Now I would never judge another mother and I respect their choice was right for them. All I can do is be there for them as a fellow baby loss mamma.

Nicole Mommy to Logan.

Mom Putnam said...

all I can say is 2 things

Andi Soergel said...

Well said, Holly! I think it's so awesome that God prepared you in that way! I am so glad that He is using you to touch so many other Mamas and I am so glad to have "met" you-thank you for sharing!

Sara said...

Holly you are so amazing...

Mindy said...

Absolutely Beautiful Holly. My respect for you grows and grows. I can't wait to meet you and spend eternity with you and Carleigh. Ever since I started following your blog I have been drawn into people's stories. My heart goes out to everyone and I spend time praying for them.


Misty said...

When I read those words: "I trust you", my heart pounded harder. I trust Him too.

croleyc69 said...

That is so beautiful & yes I think the Lord was getting you ready. Thanx so much for sharing that. You are a strong woman & a amazing mother & yes it is because you trust in the Lord. So glad to call you my
friend. HUGS !!!! Caroline

Christina said...

You are an inspiration to so many! Love & Hugs

Erica said...

Hugs to you! I have a friend who's son had the same condition as your daughter, but they chose to induce right away. I remember at the time thinking, "Wow, what a strong person she is"...then about 1 year later, I experieced the loss of our little girl (for different reasons of course) and people would tell me, "Wow, you are strong...". Now, I was faced with the termination question with this pregnancy and of course I choose life. I think back to my friend chosing termination and she told me she still struggles wondering if she made the right decision. Her thing was "She didn't want her son to suffer", my stand is "It's God's decision when the baby dies"... Everyone sees everything differently.

I am glad you are able to cling to God during your grief journey!


JmCw said...

Wow holly! You were right this was deep! You are an amazing person! I am so glad to have met you. You are such an inspiration. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.

Ramona said...

It is so wonderful when we can see the LORD's hand at work in our lives. Your strength gives me such encouragement, and I pray that I will be a strong as you when our time comes. Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly, it is such a wonderful testament to our Heavenly Father, and such a strength to others.


The McDaniel's said...

What an amazing blog post! I believe that everything happens for a reason wether it be joyful or painful. It makes us who we are and it can make you so much stronger in your faith...if you let it. Thanks for your words, once again, you are inspiring!

Sarah Flint said...

You simply amaze all kinds of ways...I've changed since following your posts. In some ways some ways bad...but one thing I've come to realize is that I need to trust God more in my life...reading the last few journal entries from you has really put that in front of my face so I can not miss it. I've had a difficult road myself lately....after a year of trying for another baby, and now my second round of clomid..failed...I broke down tonight and couldn't take it...I told God "I need your help, I need you to help me trust you more" while I'm still thoroughly confused as to whats going on...I'm going to trust that he knows whats wrong..and how to fix it. I can't thank you enough for sharing your story with us!

Katrina said...

You never cease to amaze me. The words you speak touch my heart. I'm so glad mom and dad raised us in church that we may know a God who provides for our every need. I can't wait to thank him in person someday!

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

This was so beautiful,, so beautiful. And so are you... "a girl who has faith that her God can do anything". It doesn't get any more beautiful than that!

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