God's preparation

I can't tell you the many thoughts that run through my head during the course of one day. There are way too many. I could probably post several blogs every day with everything that I have up there. Today was no different, but I'd like to write about one of them in particular as it is one that has been on my mind more than once lately.

I talked on the phone with Celia yesterday and near the end of talking with her our conversation went to finding out the diagnosis. Many families that get a diagnosis of anencephaly struggle with what choice to make and with good reason-it is a very difficult one. Either way you are faced with the death of your child. But you get to choose-sooner or later?

I have to say that I never struggled with what I would choose. I knew right away I would carry Carleigh to term. I actually knew I would before her diagnosis-even before she was conceived. I'm sure if you've been following my blog you've seen me mention how I felt God prepared me. Well, I'd like to dig a little deeper and share a little more about that. I'll start at the beginning.....

I joined Cafemom March 14, 2008, which was a few months after Kyndra was born. (She was born January 10, 2008.) I joined mostly out of curiosity. I had a Myspace account and they always had Cafemom ads on there and one day I just decided to check it out. I'm very glad I did. I've met wonderful mommies through the site that have given me a lot of support and encouragement. (Love you all!) In May, I joined an abortion debate group and in June I posted the question "What would you do if you knew your baby had a fatal condition and would either die in utero or soon after?" I posted a link to the story of Emily Rose as an example. Emily Rose had anencephaly. My response to my question was "It really got me thinking and after reading the story above I am more sure than ever that I would continue with the pregnancy." Along with this I had also vowed I would never have another abortion as long as I lived. Ever. Even if my life depended on it. I honestly would rather die. (This could be a whole other post in itself!)

Now I just didn't read the story I mentioned. I read many stories just like it but not all with a diagnosis of anencephaly (but many were). For some reason I felt compelled to read them. I felt drawn to them and I had no reason why. I simply didn't just read the stories either. I researched about the diagnoses they received so that I knew quite a bit about them. (This is part of my nature-a need to know everything. Maybe that's why I have so much "useless" knowledge.) I remember thinking at the time that such sad stories only happened to other people and not me. That would never happen to me.

Reality check. It did happen.

My daughter got diagnosed with anencephaly.

Was this a coincidence? I really don't believe so. I truly believe that God saw what was ahead of me and prepared me for it. This is not something I write just to say it. I've put a lot of thought and prayer into it. Why did He choose to prepare me when so many other families get the same diagnosis? I can't answer that because I don't know. But I feel very blessed to have had this preparation.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord... Jeremiah 29:11-14

How true this scripture rings in my heart!! God has definitely blessed me through this journey! God has given me hope. He has given me a future. I called out to God and He answered me and our relationship grew stronger and my faith deeper. There were some stumbling blocks along the way. I admit I didn't have a lot of empathy for those who decided not to carry to term. I didn't recognize at first that my attitude was less than appropriate. My emotions were pretty up and down at the time but God finally got through to me. I am ashamed that I was that way, especially since I had made a choice to terminate years before and here I was judging people for something I had done myself. How wrong I was!! God forgave me for behaving in such a manner and allowed me to meet mothers who had made this difficult choice and I was able to gain understanding and much empathy and I am truly, truly grateful. I am still very sorry I acted like that. Not my best moment.

I am truly amazed at my own journey. I am a different person than who I was when I first began this road back in December. I am a better person. I have been called strong and courageous. Many have said they don't think they could be as strong or travel the road I have been on and continue to walk. I can tell you this for sure-my strength, my courage, my everything comes from God! Without Him, I am nothing. That day in the office when the world came crashing down, do you know what I said to God?

I trust You.

And I continue to trust Him. I am in no way more special than anyone else. Just a girl who has faith that her God can do anything.