Sunday, May 03, 2009

Big Sister shirt

This weekend my brother-in-law, Todd, and his girlfriend, Taylor, came down and stayed with us. On Saturday we went to the mall to look around at the stores and do some shopping. We went into The Children's Place and I found a swimsuit and some jelly shoes for Kyndra for the summer. I also found a tshirt that I bought for Kyndra. It says Big Sister (4 ever) on it. When I first saw the shirt I thought it was so adorable and then I was sad because Kyndra couldn't wear it and it was the perfect size for her. Then I wondered, "why not"? She is a big sister no matter whether her little sister is on earth or in Heaven. Plus the way it says 4 ever on it makes it extra special. She is a big sister forever! I immediately decided then that I could not leave the store without that tshirt. So we got home and I stuck it on her.


I didn't think anything of making a trip to the mall. No big deal, right? Well, I definitely underestimated how difficult it might be. I almost felt taunted. I guess every mom on the planet decided to go to the mall that day and flash their babies around. (I know that isn't true but it sure felt like it.) Young babies. Newborn babies. Moms with 2 babies the same age that mine should be. I couldn't escape it. I tried to ignore it but it was hard.

I see the moms and their babies and I just want to scream "I have a baby too!" I want them to know. I see all the moms so happy and seemingly carefree holding their babies and I wish I had that. I wish the only thing I had to worry about was trying to remember which breast I fed her off last. I saw a mom with her newborn baby in a sling and I wished that I could have Carleigh in hers right now. She'd look so cute in it. I saw moms who had a little baby like Carleigh and an older one like Kyndra pushing them around in a double stroller. That should be me. So many things I wish I could experience with Carleigh but never will. It's so unfair. My mothering instinct right after you have a baby is still strong but I have no little baby to tend to. *sigh* I guess it's just one of those days...

17 comments:

Mindy said...

Hi Holly, I am glad you got Kyndra that shirt it is absolutely adorable. She is a big sister and always will be. I am so sorry you are having a difficult day. It would be hard to prepare yourself for everyone with their babies at the mall. I hope you day gets better!

Cadeemom

Sarah Robbins said...

Hi fried, Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your suffering today. I will pray that God will comfort you- he lost his son, too, and understands what you are going through.

My girlfriend had a stillborn baby two years ago, and I remember mourning with her then, and mourning still today. I wrote this post awhile back for her, and for others who have been separated from their babies. . . http://ourcozyrobbinsnest.blogspot.com/2009/03/andrews-song.html

I hope it blesses you.

Stephanie said...

I can't began to imagine what that feeling is like. However, when I see pregnant woman I always think to myself. I bet they are not going through what i'm going through, how lucky she is. So in a way I guess I do understand what you are talking about. You never think about those lil tiny things that will make you think of your lil one. Like just going to the mall. It's bad enough to loose them, but yet you are tortured by simple everyday things. I'm praying for you all the time.

-steph

Nicole said...

Your right she is a big sister! The shirt is adorable! One day she will know all about her little sister. I cant wait for the day when I can tell Chloe all about her big brother and she be able to understand.

Being around little babies is so hard after you have just lost your own little one. I personally could not handle being around my own friends babies after Logan died. One of my friends called and was complaining to me about her baby keeping her up all night. I kept thinking I would give anything to have Logan here to keep me up all night!!!

((HUGS))

Betty said...

I feel that way when Luke is with his dad. It's like they know you are coming! LoL! I'm glad you made it through! I love Kyndra's shirt! I think it is absolutely perfect.

Celia said...

The tshirt is perfect because Kyndra is a big sister 4ever! One day she will know about Carleigh with better understanding and will love her always.

I am sorry that the mall was a tough experience for you. I know how that feels. You just want everyone to scream so everyone will stop and acknowledge your baby and your pain over losing her.

I constantly have you in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad you decided to buy that shirt for Kyndra. It will become a very special keepsake for you and for her!

Mom Putnam said...

I just have to tell you that I am crying uncontrollable because of that shirt and I havent even read what you said yet. Seeing that shirt on my precious, precious granddaughter makes me miss her so much, and i am trying so hard to find the keys to type this and trying to breathe at the same time. which is difficult for me. it is so adorable and I miss Carleigh so much. This is the moment i was told where we would take 2 or 3 steps forward and then 1 back,and this is how it would be for a while. I love you my sweet sweet daughter and cant wait to see you and hold you.
Love, Mom

Mom Putnam said...

My sweet sweet child how I hurt for you and feel your pain, I am so sorry you are having a bad day, and I know only time and prayer is going to be our healer as much as we may not want to hear that. It is the only thing we have. I am crying now for you and as your mother, I miss holding my child (you) Sending my hugs and kisses your way.
Mom

Alissa said...

I love that shirt you got for Kyndra! Your right Kyndra is a big sister now and 4-Ever and she always will be Carleigh Big sister- nothing can ever change that. Reading this I yet again have tears in my eyes- even though I never knew my baby girl or held her I feel I can say I know that pain of that should be me! Its that out of no where pain that strikes and makes life feel not fair- why my baby, why my family? I some days have them days too- its the simple things in life and no one knows that their simple happiness is eating at my heart. Please know I am always here Holly! (((Hugs)))

Sherry said...

She is a big sister! You were so right in getting her that shirt! You have blessed me today with your words. I am reminded that I am blessed, and that I to, if in your shoes would long to hold my baby! I need to not take that for granted! Thank You Holly! I am sorry for your pain and wish I could help you more. I feel guilty that I have my baby and you dont. I am sorry. But again thank you for reminding me that I need to cherish my time with her.

Anonymous said...

Holly, I am sure you would not know me even if I told you my name, I live in your home town of Carey. What I wanted to tell you I have been following your blog almost from the beginning. I had a sister who passed away about 4 years ago, and she loved babies. So when I heard that Carleigh had passed, I prayed to my sister to hold and rock her until the day you are reunited. And I know in my heart that is what my sister is doing, holding and loving Carleigh until you are together again. Thank You for sharing your story.

stitchndeb said...

I Love Kyndra's new shirt, so sweet! Just like you are Carleigh's mother forever too. I'm sorry you had such a hard time at the mall. I'm glad you have your blog as an outlet for your feelings so you're able to share them with someone and not just keep it inside. ~Debbie

Mom2Four said...

I love the tee-shirt and you are right, she will always be Carleigh's big sister! As a chirstian death takes nothing away from us forever, I pray if you can rejoice through such saddness, let it be in that truth! I know you feel robbed of so much and I know you want to also be happy for Carleigh for being with the Lord. But its so hard on us who get left behind for a season. I wish I could stand in the gap for you and who knows maybe I do through lifting you up in my prayers. I pray blessing of peace and comfort and healing uopon you. Your a strong and special person and a wonderful and loving mother. Holly you have been through things that would break a gaint, and I know through you so many others faith have become stronger. I love you dear friend. Lots of prayers and hugs coming your way!
Shonda

Alyson said...

Your little girls are so precious and beautiful!!!

I love Kyndra's little t-shirt!!!

I am sorry that you had to go through all of that hurt.....

After Avery was born, I had to run to mall to get a few open sleepers for him and I can remember breaking down in the middle of Baby Gap because everyone there had their little healthy newborns and here my poor little boy was in the NICU fighting for his life....I was so heartbroken :0(

I am so sorry for your loss and I will keep you in my prayers... Thank you for sharing your personal journey...

Alyson

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

I'm sorry for the "mall" experience. We never know when those waves will hit...and it's all still very fresh. I LOVE that you got the shirt for Kyndra! It is perfect...just right. I even think the rainbow is fitting...a promise and hope. Praying God's continued comfort and strength as you miss your sweet Carleigh...

Love to you,
Kelly

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

And I love that it says forever!!!!

Carolina said...

Hi Holly!

Your daughter is absolutely beautiful and no matter what, will always be a big sister.

I just recently started learning about anencephaly, and it brought me to your blog. I admire your strength, courage, and unconditional love.

I know what you mean about the mall. After I lost a child in 2005, it seemed like there were babies everywhere for the next two years taunting me. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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