Monday, December 15, 2008

Our World Came Crashing Down

Today I had my midway US. I am 21 1/2 weeks and was looking forward to this US. Who doesn't love seeing their baby on the US screen!? Everything seemed to go fine at the time but looking back I realize that things were a little off. Beth was the tech that did my scan and she wasn't real talkative during the scan, which Lindsey and I assumed was because they had a busy day. Also, I realize now she never got any measurements of the brain. A few other things too....

I left work at 1:30pm and picked up Kyndra from the sitter's house and went home. As soon as I walked into the door the phone was ringing and it was Dr. F's office. I knew something must be up. I answered and Dr. F was on the phone. She said she needed for me to come and see her so we could talk. Dr. H saw something on the US that was concerning. It didn't matter what time I could come in she needed to see me today. So I called Anthony to see if he could get off of work to go with me and then I called the office back to tell them I was getting things around and on my way.

I called Lindsey to see if she had left work and she had. I was going to have her look up the US report for me to see what it said. She told me to call her when the appt was over because she was concerned too. I got to the hospital around 3pm but Anthony was still a few minutes away so I went to my dept and being nosy I looked up the US report. All I had to see was the word 'anencephalic' and my world came crashing down. Jimmy, one of my coworkers, could see I was upset and asked what was wrong. I told him my baby had no brain and that I couldn't deal with this and I left the control room. I had one of the front office girls hold Kyndra and I used the restroom and then went up to Dr. F's office.

Anthony got there not long after but I didn't tell him what I already knew but I wanted to get the final word from Dr. F since I didn't read anything else on the report. I got my weight, BP, and pulse. BP was definitely elevated and my pulse felt like it was racing. Anthony and I sat in the room and waited for Dr. F. I imagine she waited til all the patients were out of the office to come in. She soon confirmed my worst fears. My baby, my Carleigh has anencephaly. Basically, my little girl has no brain and no skull cavity. I broke down. This is not supposed to happen to me. This always happens to someone else. I knew there was no hope of my baby girl ever living longer than a few hours or even days. We will have to bury our daughter not long after she is born.

Dr. F told us our options. To me there is no other choice than to carry her to term and spend as much time with her as possible. I CANNOT and WILL NOT terminate this pregnancy or the life of my little girl. I told Dr. F I would continue with the pregnancy and she respected my decision. Dr. F is referring us to a maternal fetal specialist and possibly also a genetics counselor. She says this prolly happened for no reason at all. I was on enough folic acid and there is no family history. In any future pregnancies though I will be on extra folic acid to try and help prevent this. Of course future pregnancies is hard to think about right now.

Dr. F asked if we wanted to speak with Dr. H and go over the US and of course I wanted to. So we headed there next. He went over the US with us and showed us exactly where the anencephaly was and what a normal US looked like. I already knew but I knew it'd be more helpful for Anthony. Dr. H said he didn't know how Beth could get through the US stone-faced and then Beth came in. We hugged and she said that if I needed anything to let her know. I told her I'd probably be back at some point to get some US pics of Carleigh. I told Carla that I wasn't coming to work the rest of the week and she told me to take as long as I needed.

Jarrod and Lindsey took us home. Really, Lindsey drove me home in the van and Jarrod followed so he could take Lindsey home. We've let some family and such know what is going on. My mom is coming down tomorrow to stay with us til we leave for Hawaii.

I'm still trying to digest it all. So much has happened today that has forever changed our lives. It hurts knowing that Carleigh won't get to grow up with her sister and that Kyndra will never really know her. It hurts that I won't get to hold my lil girl only but for a little bit and then she'll be gone from me until we meet in Heaven again some day. I know she'll be in good hands but I want her in my arms here with me.

Here are Carleigh's US pics:


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