Day 24 ~ Capture Your Grief ~ Siblings

Day 24 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share about siblings. This could be done two ways – your could photograph your own siblings and post about how grief has affected them or you can post about your other living children.

Kyndra is the only one of my girls that is in the same picture as Carleigh. She was 15 months old when Carleigh was born. Carleigh was born at 3:49 am so she was very sleepy when we got most of our photos and I don’t have any of her holding her sister, but she really didn’t take a whole lot of interest anyway since she was so young. I think she thought she was a baby doll.

The only way Carleigh’s younger sisters can get pictures with her is with either her photo or her Carleigh Bear.

I wish so much that my girls could grow up with Carleigh and she with them. I hate thinking of what all they and our family is missing out on without her here. I want to make sure my girls grow up knowing about their sister and how much we love her. I want them to know it’s ok to remember her or be sad she isn’t here. I want them to know that it’s ok to express grief and it’s ok to talk about it.

The bittersweet

A couple weeks ago for about a week things were tough. I was having lots of moments that left me teary-eyed and aching for my little girl. I can’t pinpoint any single thing that brought this on. I guess it’s just one of those waves of grief that come. Although they are not as frequent now, I am not expecting them as much so when they hit it can be hard.

Truth is, I miss my girl. I was especially missing her that week. I felt the ache in my heart. I have been wanting to come here and write. I wanted to come that week and pour out my heart but I just never had the time like I wanted to do that. And that’s ok. I have 3 little girls who needed me and that’s where I’d rather have my attention. I knew I’d get here eventually. (Of course now that I’m feeling better I don’t feel the need to pour out my heart like I did.)

They make the ache easier-seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter. Playing and hugging and loving them helps me. I do believe a part of her lives on in them, especially my Evanee who looks so much like her.

I snapped a photo of Evanee with Carleigh Bear while she slept. It is bittersweet to me in more way than one. A little girl who hugs a bear where her sister should be, except this little girl would not be here today if her sister was.  So thankful for both of them-for all my girls.

A first visit

On Sunday, August 25th after church we went to the cemetery for Evanee’s first visit to Carleigh. It was my first visit in 5 months. The last time I was there was for Carleigh’s birthday. I wish I could visit more often but it’s so hard to find the time now that we have three little girls earth side instead of just one. It’s a lot easier to pack up one and go than three.

I wish instead of a headstone there was a fourth little girl in the picture with us.

It was a beautiful, warm day. Would’ve been a perfect one for just sitting at her grave by myself. Maybe some day soon.

My niece ~ Leah Faith ♥

I hate that I have to write this post after the post about the baby book. The baby that the book was for was for the baby my sister was carrying. Everything was going well and then last week on May 2nd at 17 weeks my little niece, Leah Faith, was born still.

My sister was having some bleeding and cramping. She went to the ER and they admitted her and found her cervix was shortened. Just before they planned to take her to surgery for an emergency cerclage her water broke and then there was nothing that they could do. As soon as I got the call from my mom saying that she was losing the baby I left work, went home and packed our things, grabbed the girls from our sitter, and we drove back to where our family lives, which is about a 2 1/2 hour drive.

I was hoping that I could make it in time before the baby was born but it wasn’t long after I got on the road that my dad called and told me my sister had delivered at 12:04 pm. I made sure to tell my dad to make sure that they get pictures and prints. I also told him that I wanted to see her and to ask to keep her at least until I could.

I dropped the girls off at my parent’s house where a family friend was watching my other nieces and I went straight to the hospital. I got there around 3 pm and the first thing I did when I got into the room was hold my little niece. She was so tiny, yet so perfect. She was 6 oz and 8 inches long.  I made sure to bring my camera to take pictures for my sister and brother-in-law to have later. I knew the pictures the hospital would take would not be enough nor of good quality. I got some really great pictures of her that I know they will cherish.

I ended up staying in the room with my sister and brother-in-law the rest of the day. I stayed after everyone left and the emotions came out. I stayed when the funeral home came to get little Leah. I stayed past visiting hours and finally left around 9:30 pm. I went back to the hospital the next morning with balloons (a monarch butterfly and ‘It’s a Girl’) and donuts (for us and for the nurses). I stuck around until my sister was discharged.

I have to give a big thank you to Kelly, my sweet friend and founder of Sufficient Grace Ministries. She met me very late on the night of May 2nd so that I could have items from the ministry for my sister. She picked out a perfect baby gown for Leah to be able to wear since she had nothing and also a comfort bear, memory book, books on grief, and a mother/baby bracelet set. (All in a SGM tote of course.) It was much appreciate and I was so happy to be able to give my sister these items, especially the gown for Leah to be able to wear.

The service was planned for March 5th, my parent’s 33rd wedding anniversary. It was a beautiful, sunny day. My sister and brother-in-law decided on a graveside service after meeting with the funeral home the day after Leah’s birth. After the service there was a gathering and lunch at my parent’s house.

Both my sister and brother-in-law are doing well considering what they have been through. Their faith is getting them through this and I am glad I was able to be of comfort to them in such a difficult time. I just hate that they have to know what it feels like to lose a child. I never wanted my sister to know such pain.

I also never wanted to have to relive such experiences again after Carleigh but yet I have through my sister. Losing my niece brought up a lot of what I went through with Carleigh. It hurts but we will all get through this. Keep my sister and her family in prayer as they navigate this new road. There will be ups and downs as those of us who have already walked it know. And thank you to the many friends who have shown support for both me and my sister and have prayed for us and our whole family.

Above are the precious prints of my niece, Leah Faith.

Sibling Grief/The Next Pregnancy

This week, we are sharing about the effect our loss(es) had on our children (sibling grief). If you did not have children at the time of your loss, we are also sharing about subsequent pregnancies (after the loss). If you have not had a pregnancy following the loss, yet, you may share your feelings about facing your next pregnancy. (You can read my original sibling grief post here.)

When Carleigh was born Kyndra was 15 months old and Hannah was 9.

Kyndra was at an age where she just really didn’t know what was going on. She didn’t realize mommy was going to have another baby or that there was anything wrong. When Carleigh was born Kyndra was a little curious about her but mostly she was sleepy since it was so early in the morning. I remember the most she really touched Carleigh was to poke at her a couple times.

I often took Kyndra to the cemetery with me when I went to visit and it was a wonderful time for both of us. She really enjoyed going and playing and running. She’d trace her fingers over the lettering in the headstone and it melted my heart when we would go to leave and she would hug and kiss the stone. We don’t visit near as often as we used to but she still enjoys going.

Hannah was older and able to grasp more of what was going on. We explained to her what was going to happen and what was wrong with Carleigh so that she wouldn’t live. It was me who helped explain it more so she could understand it better. Hannah never met Carleigh in person or held her or even went to the funeral. It was a decision that her mom and Anthony made that they thought was best at the time. Of course, we know now that she should have been there. She herself has expressed that she wish that she was. At the time Hannah was living out of state (13 hours away) and that also was part of the decision in not having her present. We did take her to the cemetery though when we had her that summer.

Anthony and I started trying again just 6 weeks after Carleigh was born. For some people, trying again so soon doesn’t feel right but it did for us. We knew before Carleigh was born that we would try again soon. However, we did not conceive until 9 months later, which was often frustrating to me because I conceived Kyndra in 3 months and Carleigh in just 1 month. I do believe it was God’s timing though because as soon as I gave it over to God I found out I was pregnant. Sometimes I need a lesson in letting go and letting God.

Pregnancy after loss is definitely a ride like no other. Pregnancy is never the same after you’ve experienced a loss. I was more anxious, fearful, and worried that something was going to go wrong and that I would lose another baby. Even in all my mixed up emotions I still had faith in God that He was there for me. Toward the end of my 1st rainbow pregnancy I began getting more anxious and emotional. My fear of something going wrong when we were so close to the end was something I tried to overcome daily. When I finally went into labor I was calm and at peace and our daughter Lainey arrived safely into the world via waterbirth (something I’ve always wanted).

I am currently 24 weeks pregnant with my 2nd rainbow, another little girl named Evanee. This time around my emotions of things going wrong aren’t as strong and I’m glad about that. It doesn’t help me or my baby to be stressed out about the what-ifs that I can’t control. I’m putting my trust in God for us to bring another little girl home.

One thing I know for sure is that I want all of my children here on earth to know about their sister Carleigh. I don’t want her to be a subject that is taboo. Kyndra is 4 years old now and I talk to her about Carleigh. She asks me about her and about her head. I’m honest with her about everything, but in words she can understand. Lainey is 17 months old and she has a cloth picture book that has pictures of family members and I included a picture of Carleigh. I feel it’s important for my girls to know about their sister. I want them to know that she is loved and never forgotten and that she’ll always be a part of our family even if she isn’t physically with us.

Carleigh's little sister

We are happy to say that Carleigh's little sister, Lainey Iris, has arrived! We are so glad she is finally here. She definitely has the cheeks like her big sisters Kyndra and Carleigh. Hopefully we will get to take her on Sunday to see her sister Carleigh (weather permitting).

Thank you to everyone for your love, support, and prayers!!

Sisterly Similarities

Ever since that moment I found out I was pregnant with Carleigh I dreamed of having another girl. I was so excited when at 15 weeks I found out I was going to be blessed with another little girl. I had always wanted to have 2 girls close in age like me and my sister are. My sister and I are 14 months apart and I figured up that my girls would be 15 months apart. Perfect!!

Finding out Carleigh wouldn't live crushed my dream. I was heartbroken.

I wondered what Carleigh would look like and if she would look like her sister. The moment I saw her on the 3D ultrasound I was stunned. All I could see was those cheeks! Those chubby cheeks! Kyndra had such chubby cheeks when she was born and here Carleigh looked like she would get them too.


I began to imagine Carleigh looking like Kyndra when she was born. Daddy gets to have another girl that looks like him. Thanks for sharing, hun. Now, when Carleigh was born I didn't take the time to see who she looked like. I just enjoyed her. It's only later that I can reflect on who she looked like most.

I can definitely see similarities between my girls. There are some things to take into concern though when comparing the two. Kyndra was 7 lbs and 19 in and Carleigh was only 3 lbs 15 oz and 13 in. Carleigh had anencephaly so her face/head isn't exactly proportioned how it should be so that can make it harder to see any similarities. And of course, Carleigh's coloring. Carleigh was born still and bruised. As time passed after her birth her skin became darker. Her coloring can make it harder to see similarities too.

Considering all that. What do you think? Can you see the similarities?

*Edit* I've had some people mention that they both had long fingers. Actually that isn't true! It may not look like it but Kyndra had short hands and feet with stubby fingers and toes. Carleigh was the opposite. Her hands and feet were long in addition to her fingers and toes. Carleigh's were definitely much longer than Kyndra's at birth. This was a difference I noticed right away because I was expecting them to be like her sister's. Kyndra's pic can be deceiving because she has her fingers curled.

2 Months

Today is Carleigh's 2 month birthday.

After a not so good day at work Kyndra and I made a visit to the cemetery. Luckily, it wasn't raining when we stopped by. Kyndra had fun playing around Carleigh's grave and getting into the dirt. Then she ran around in the grass for a little bit.






Happy 2 months my sweet Carleigh! I miss you so much but I know you are so happy in Heaven with Jesus. I can't wait until we are together again.

Big Sister shirt

This weekend my brother-in-law, Todd, and his girlfriend, Taylor, came down and stayed with us. On Saturday we went to the mall to look around at the stores and do some shopping. We went into The Children's Place and I found a swimsuit and some jelly shoes for Kyndra for the summer. I also found a tshirt that I bought for Kyndra. It says Big Sister (4 ever) on it. When I first saw the shirt I thought it was so adorable and then I was sad because Kyndra couldn't wear it and it was the perfect size for her. Then I wondered, "why not"? She is a big sister no matter whether her little sister is on earth or in Heaven. Plus the way it says 4 ever on it makes it extra special. She is a big sister forever! I immediately decided then that I could not leave the store without that tshirt. So we got home and I stuck it on her.


I didn't think anything of making a trip to the mall. No big deal, right? Well, I definitely underestimated how difficult it might be. I almost felt taunted. I guess every mom on the planet decided to go to the mall that day and flash their babies around. (I know that isn't true but it sure felt like it.) Young babies. Newborn babies. Moms with 2 babies the same age that mine should be. I couldn't escape it. I tried to ignore it but it was hard.

I see the moms and their babies and I just want to scream "I have a baby too!" I want them to know. I see all the moms so happy and seemingly carefree holding their babies and I wish I had that. I wish the only thing I had to worry about was trying to remember which breast I fed her off last. I saw a mom with her newborn baby in a sling and I wished that I could have Carleigh in hers right now. She'd look so cute in it. I saw moms who had a little baby like Carleigh and an older one like Kyndra pushing them around in a double stroller. That should be me. So many things I wish I could experience with Carleigh but never will. It's so unfair. My mothering instinct right after you have a baby is still strong but I have no little baby to tend to. *sigh* I guess it's just one of those days...