Friday, April 10, 2009

Was it the right choice?

Lately there have been a lot of mommas with anen babies that I know who have given birth and are getting close to giving birth and it has been making me reflect a lot on my birth experience. I really question whether I made the right decision on having a vaginal birth. I know I shouldn't question my decisions since they were very difficult ones to make, but I just can't help it. Carleigh showed lots of good signs in my tummy. She moved around a lot and got the hiccups quite often. Her stomach and bladder always had fluid in them and I never developed poly, which is a good sign that she was able to swallow. What if I would've chosen to have a C-section instead? Would Carleigh still be alive today? That's what really gets to me. Did my choice let my daughter die sooner than she should've?

A vaginal birth is definitely more traumatic on the head of anen babies than a C-section is. However, we don't know the exact time that she passed. She could've passed before I even delivered her. She passed somewhere between 2 am and her delivery at 3:49 am. But I also chose to go into labor with her and for them to break my water. Maybe it was those things that were too much for her. I could've avoided all of that with a C-section. Although I really, really don't like the idea of a having a C-section maybe I should've went that route. The bad thing is I would've had to have a C-section for all subsequent pregnancies if I would've had one because my doctor doesn't do VBACs.

I guess I'm just a little conflicted about it all. Either route could've ended the same but I will never know and that will always be in the back of my mind. Either way I would've gotten to spend time with my daughter, whether she was born alive or not, and that's really what matters.

22 comments:

Betty said...

I'm sorry you are conflicted. It's only natural to ponder the "what might have been's." I understand how you feel about C-sections. They scare me for some reason. I would rather go vaginal as well....and once you go C-section it's hard to find a doc who will do the VBAC. There is risk there. You did what you felt was best at the time...and we were all praying for wisdom for you and the doctors. Sending hugs your way!...and prayers as always!

Becky B said...

Holly,
I'm sure not a day will go by that you will not go back and wonder if you did the right thing for Carleigh. Please remember your selfless and most important decision gave her time with you for all those months in utero. She experienced your voice, and comfort for all that time. You did what you felt was right at the point of her delivery and you also had to think of your own recovery and your future deliveries when you are able and blessed to have another precious child... I think you made the perfect choice and I pray you can be at peace about it..
Becky B.
((hugs))

Emily James said...

Don't beat yourself up Holly! I am certain that you're not the only mother to think like this. There will always be those "what if"s. Only the good Lord knows what would have happened to Carleigh but I think you made the right choice. You already made the right choice just by carrying Carleigh to term. Think of how many others chose another path. You were so strong to make these choices. You were so blessed to be able to carry Carleigh and have her close to you for 37 weeks. She knows you love her. I am sure she passed quietly and peacefully. You are a wonderful person and a phenomenal mother. Don't spend your time second-guessing yourself.

Sailor and Co said...

Don't let the enemy lie to you. If she was to be born alive-that is what would have happened. For some reason as hard as it is God chose to have Carleigh with Him.....she is safe in His arms...she is ALIVE and WELL!!!

stitchndeb said...

I have a picture on my computer that shows a little girl with a kitten, and the words above her say "Don't worry about tomorrow because God has already been there." I just hope you get some comfort in knowing that God knew already how long Carleigh would grow inside you and how she would be born. But I think it's only normal to play "what-if" and I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. ~Debbie

Celia said...

Holly, I am so sorry that you are having these feelings. They are, I'm sure, completely normal. We are conflicted as well. Are we making the right choice to deliver via C-section? What if he passes before I even get to hold him? What if he lives longer than we expect; how will my other children handle that? No matter what we choose we will always question whether that decision was the right one. There are no answers. Only God has them and he is in ultimate control over things. And, like you said, you got to spend time with Carleigh and that is the thing that matters most. You hold such a special place in my heart! I hope you don't continue to question yourself. You did everything right! Carleigh knows and feels your love for her even now!

Jodi Lansink said...

I think that no matter which choice you made, you would always look back and wonder if you made the right one. I am feeling the exact same way, I am wanting a vaginal birth, but the thought of doing a C-section and maybe getting a few minutes with her makes me consider that, but I also am terrified of a C-Section-----I am still trying to make that hard decision----but I too am leaning toward the vaginal delivery.

Cheryl said...

I just found out about your story last night. I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't beat yourself up over this. You will be with her again. {{Hugs}}

nsrush83 said...

Dont beat yourself up over it. You did what you thought was best and you had/have good reasons for choosing that. Gods will was done, even if its not what anyone wanted. She is cradled in the arms of our Heavenly Father now. Happy, safe and healthy

Sherry in kansas said...

Holly,

The devil is fighting you because your faith in the Lord has/is sooooo strong. Simply give it to the Lord. I know that is easier said than done. I struggle with issues everyday granted not to the depth of yours. God will give you the strength you need. Ask Him to ease your heart and mind and I will pray that the devil will leave you alone. I belive the devil is fighting twice as hard on people right now because it is going to be Easter when Christ arose. Please stay strong and pray. My prayers are with you.

Kim said...

Don't let your thoughts haunt you, you made the best decision and you can't let Satan make you think any different. You can't change anything so just move forward and know that Carleigh is in heaven without a blemish. She is happy and you know that you will see her one day. I am praying for you, Kim

Sarah (Lovemy918-CM) said...

You had a hard decision to make to begin with. Dont beat yourself up. You did what you believed would be best for you and Carleigh. God has her with him now. The fact that you guys were able to spend time with her, is what really matters.

Kate said...

Holly- I truly believe God put those convictions inside you to deliver Carleigh naturally. I think you felt strongly that way for a reason. God had other plans for her, and we will never know why. But I think, along with everyone else, you made the right choice for you, and Carleigh. Love ya!
-Kate

Mom Putnam said...

Honey, I know you are conflicted with what you chose, but don't be. You made the right decision for your daughter and yourself and Carleigh knows that and so does the Lord. Don't let the devil make you second guess yourself, you are stronger than him and he knows it, that is why he is putting these thoughts to you. I love you and we all know what a great mom, wife and daughter you are.
Mom---xoxox

lora said...

Holly,

Dont second guess yourself. You can make yourself crazy if you do. You and Anthony made the best choice for you and your baby girl. There are no guarantees that if you would have had a C-Section that she would have been born alive. We all do this after we have made some kind of decision. We look back and say what if I would have done things differently then maybe things would have worked out better. I am in no way trying to compare some other decision to yours for your baby Carleigh. I can not even imagine what you and Anthony are going through. You are going to have days that you second guess yourself. Keep in constant prayer and God will give you the peace you need over your decision. Know that you guys are loved and we are praying for you everyday.

Lora

Anonymous said...

Don't dwell on all the what ifs! It'll only bring you down. You did what was right for you and Carleigh. I'm thinking about you!

Ashley

croleyc69 said...

I haven't known you that long but in the little time I have I think you did what was right. I pray for Anthony & you daily & your in my thoughts. I can't even begin to imagine what you both go thru but reading your blog has helped me so much.I believe you did what was right & I know the Lord does too. It's hard because reading makes me have so many feelings & ever since I started you are on my mind so much. Holly just know that God is always with you & someday you will see your special little angel again " Carleigh ". HUGS ccmom69

Andi Soergel said...

Dear Holly,
I understand what you are going through. When Haven was born 5 years ago, blogs weren't such a big thing and since finding your blog and others I have seen such great ideas, etc. and I have thought "I wish I had thought to do this" or "I wish we had done that". I think it's natural to second guess yourself but don't lose confidence in the fact that you did what you felt the Lord was leading you to do. From reading your blog, it's obvious that you and your husband were seeking God throughout all your decision making. You did the right thing because you did what you felt the Lord was telling you. Have confidence in the fact that He will always steer you in the direction He wants you to go when you are seeking Him.

Nicole said...

I know its hard, but don't be too hard on yourself. I have known of mothers who have delivered their anen babies via c-section and they never took a breath and then I have known of other mothers who have delivered vaginally and their babies live for days. I dont know what makes a difference and why some of our babies live longer than others...Just something that happens.
((hugs)) You did the best you could and you should be proud of that.

Liz-Beth said...

You can't live in doubt if you made the wrong decision or not. You will drive yourself crazy. you did everything you could to keep Carleigh healthy and what happened during labor isn't your fault at all...You were blessed to be her mother and don't think twice about what happened. You should be proud, because there are people like myself who are proud of you.

Penny said...

I am so sorry that you are having so many what-ifs......... Don't let Satan in those tiny cracks. Your choice was the right one in your heart. God paved the way for Carleigh to come to you, I truly think that her birth was exactly as it was to be.
I still question what-ifs when I am down or if I am missing my baby girl....... I have found that feeling to be a way to put negative thoughts in my mind, devils play......
Try to hold tight to your special day with Carleigh, you followed your heart.....

Anonymous said...

Holly please don't do that to yourself. You did everything perfectly. You listened to what God wanted you to do and for that you should find peace. I can't think of anything you should've or could've done differently. I shouldn't be the one to judge because I am certainly not in your shoes. Maybe I would be doing the same thing, second-guessing myself with whatever decision I would have made. Trust in the Lord that you have made the best decision possible and do his will for the rest of your time here on Earth and one day you can stand in front of God, with Carleigh in his hands, and he will say "Come in, my good and faithful servant." I love you! ~Katrina

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