Friday, April 24, 2009

Under The Tree-April

Under The Tree is a place where women who have lost a child can gather, share, and most importantly, support each other. Here is this month's questions:

How long has it been since you lost your child? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

Tomorrow it will be 4 weeks since Carleigh was born still. Wow. 4 weeks! It honestly feels a lot longer than that since I said goodbye. I would have to say my grief has gotten easier. My burden lighter. You see, I was grieving for my daughter before she was even born because I knew she wouldn't live. Sometimes I honestly don't know how I keep myself so together. The strength that I have been given can only come from God. There really is no other explanation. Don't get me wrong, I've had my difficult times. I've had days where she's all I think about and I cry and long for her to be in my arms. But the Lord picks me back up and I move forward.

At times I find it difficult to accept that life is going back to normal. I guess I fear that normal equals forgotten and I never want that to happen. I know that with time it will get even easier but there will always be an ache in my heart for her that will never be filled until we are reunited in Heaven.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

It doesn't bother me at all. It didn't bother me while I was pregnant with Carleigh and I knew that she would die. In fact, several family members and some friends of mine were or are still pregnant. I am sincerely happy for them. I don't want them to feel guilty for having healthy babies and I hope they don't. Like I have said before, I would travel this road a thousand times just for her.

When I see strangers who are pregnant I do feel a longing to feel those little kicks in my tummy. I love being pregnant. I love having a little life inside me growing. I do miss that. I felt empty not long after Carleigh was born. Literally. It felt so weird. I felt a void in my tummy and I longed for her to fill it again.

What's your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

My therapy is my blog-sharing our journey with others. It encourages me so much to know that we have made a difference in the lives of others. Writing out my thoughts and feelings is very therapeutic. I do belong to 2 groups on yahoo-Anencephaly Support and Anencephaly Blessings From Above. These groups have been so very important to me. I know these groups are a safe place for me to go. I can vent or talk about my feelings and I know the moms in these groups "get" me.

One thing I plan on doing in the near future is writing a poem for Carleigh. I've always liked writing poems and I think I'm pretty decent at it. Once I write it I do want to share it with others and maybe it can help them. I like listening to music. There were quite a few songs I listened to a lot during the journey. Most of them are on Carleigh's playlist below.


Anonymous said...

Time is a strange thing. Sometimes I look back at the 22 mos since we've lost Calypso and think 'wow, that's all' and other times it will hit me 'WOW 22 mos! It feels like just yesterday and I still remember things in detail.

Carleigh was beautiful! Thank you for sharing your journey so far with us all on Under the Tree


Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...


You are such a beautiful mother and woman of God. I am so glad I have "met" you in blog land. You have honored Carleigh's life so beautifully through your blog...and touched so many lives through your story. God's grace is so evident as you walk this journey...I know He carries you. And, I know He will continue.

Praying His comfort and sufficient grace for you...

Love and Prayers,

Natalie said...

Thanks for sharing Holly, it helps reading your blog, it's a hard road we walk.

Emily Ruth said...

I found you through Names in the Sand. What a beautiful blog you have here in honor of your perfect little angel. And what a radiant daughter of the Lord you are. Keep sharing your testimony of Christ.

caitsmom said...

Thanks for joining us under the tree. Your precious Carleigh is beautiful. Peace.

Rebekah said...

I'm glad you've felt God's presence during this time and pray that He continues to renew your strength. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

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