Sunday, April 19, 2009

First visit

This morning at church was a little tough. In all fairness though, we had a heads up. Pastor Mark let us know that there would be a baby dedication at church today in case we didn't think we could handle it. I figured I would be fine since the baby was more around Kyndra's age. It wasn't really the dedication itself that got to me at first. The pianist was playing Jesus Loves Me during the dedication and that's what made me cry. It's a song I used to sing to Kyndra when she a little baby and it's one that I should be singing to Carleigh. I seriously thought I might have to leave church but I stuck it out.

After church, Anthony and I made our first trip out to the cemetery to see Carleigh's grave. I wasn't sure how I was going to be but I was relatively fine. Her plot was actually difficult to find because there wasn't a pile of dirt just lying there. The had removed the top chunk of ground and placed that back on top so there was grass and everything. It doesn't look right not having a marker so I probably won't go back again until it is up. Then I will be able to put some flowers in her vase.


Celia said...

Holly, I am really so amazed at your strength. I don't even have enough to hold my friend's daughter who was born in January! I want to but I am afraid of it being so overwhelming and then my emotions will rage and I will have no control. Not to mention that when it gets that bad it usually lasts for a couple of days. But to go to an infant dedication is hard too. And that song....I used to sing that to my kids too....I would lay in bed with them and we would sing songs together until they got too tired to sing along with me. Then I would sing to them until the fell asleep. My favorite memories of spending individual time with each of the kids :-)

And thank you for posting that message about how it was with Carleigh. It definitely helps to know what I will be experiencing with Noah so that I can better equip myself with whatever I might need to deal. I kind of figured that his body would go a little stiff after he passes but is there a time frame for that to happen? Because honestly I am not sure I will be able to handle it. I might have to wait until that passes to be able to hold him again. I am not sure because obviously I might not even care and it might not bother me one bit. The fact that he is my baby & that I love him more than anything might be bigger than my fear of those unknowns. But this fear definitely has me in its grips at the moment.

I can understand that it would be weird to go to Carleigh's grave without there being a marker. I think I would feel like you and not want to go back until the marker was there. Then there is something more tangible to help.

I will email you later with my mailing address. I want yours too. I have something I want to send you.

As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers! You are such a special friend and I am glad I have gotten to know you, even if it is just through cyber space!!
:-) Who knows....maybe we will be able to meet in person one day!

Mom Putnam said...

Honey--I'm sure it was tough for you, I would never have made it through the song, I sing it to Kyndra and Audrey all the time. And I did sing it to Carleigh when I rocked her, remember? I love to sing to the girls. Today at church was tough (but getting a little better), it was the music they played. But, each new day makes it easier. I love you
Mom xoxo

Betty said...

Amazing how music can touch you to your very core. I'm glad to hear that things were bearable though! It was nice of your pastor to give you a heads up!

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