I'm not who I was

Life has changed a lot for me since Carleigh's diagnosis, and even more so since Carleigh's birth. I've been shaped into a different person. While some of the change happened after the diagnosis, most of it has taken place since March 28th-the day Carleigh was born still. The Holly that existed before all of this simply does not exist any more. We are 2 separate people. And if you're waiting for her to come back you're wasting your time. It's never gonna happen, at least not that I can see.

I am going to tell you how I have changed so that maybe if you encounter me you can cut me a little slack. After all, I am still in the throes of grief (even though I will try very hard to hide it from you). Don't expect me to pick up with my merry little life and act like nothing happened. I'm never going to 'get over' losing Carleigh.

I have always been an easygoing person. Losing Carleigh has made me a more anxious and worrisome person. The anxiety is worse than the worry. These emotions are like a rollercoaster for me. Some days are better than others. Some days I just don't care. They make me feel and do things the old Holly might never have.

I have always been comfortable at home and didn't mind if we didn't get out much. Now I would prefer to only venture out when necessary. I can feel that little bit of panic in me when I leave the house for anything besides work. I don't enjoy this feeling so I'd rather just stay home. Don't tell me I need to get out. You don't know what I need. You have no clue.

I spend a lot more time on the computer. So what? Has it ever occurred to you that the computer is one of my outlets-my place to find and give comfort? It's one of the only 'places' I can turn to and find people who understand me and my grief and won't judge me for doing certain things. You can call me crazy but I know they won't.

I am more protective of Kyndra. I don't like it when she is not with me. This is where some of the worry and anxiety can creep in. So don't get offended if I don't let you have her or hold her. I don't expect this to change for a very long time. Get used to it.

I am stronger in the Lord. This is one of the good things (besides my beautiful daughter) that came from this difficult journey. My trust and faith in Him is more than it has ever been in my life. I am thankful for this.

I've always enjoyed seeing pregnant women and babies, but since Carleigh is no longer with me it can be hard at times to see other women being pregnant and toting around their babies. Just last week at church someone had their new baby there and I purposefully avoided going anywhere near the baby. I know I am ok holding babies because I've done it already. This is one of those up and down things. Most of the time I am ok with this, but on that day I wasn't and I knew it. Perhaps it's because I am more emotional at church than anywhere else. So if you are pregnant and you have a baby and I avoid you, don't take it personally.

There is not a single hour that goes by that I don't think of her. Carleigh is always on my mind, even when she isn't on yours.

Please try to understand. I shouldn't have to explain myself to you about why I do certain things. I'm trying so hard to get through this life without Carleigh. It's difficult and it just plain sucks, but I am trying to make the most of it. I am sure that as time passes these things will get better for me. Don't try to rush me when I am not ready.