The Things People Say

Walking With You was created by Kelly of Sufficient Grace Ministries to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. To join in on Walking With You please visit Kelly's blog.

This week we are sharing some of the things that people said to us while we were in the throes of grief...for better or for worse.

When someone loses a child it is a tragedy. You feel for that person, send them a card, tell them you're sorry. You may even go to the visitation or funeral. But I challenge you to take a good look at your actions and words. Are you really supporting those experiencing the loss?

I bet you'd be surprised to find out that you're probably not.

When we got Carleigh's diagnosis of anencephaly it was such a blow. The proverbial rug was pulled out from underneath us. Many people told us they were sorry and that they were praying for us. I appreciated that. But I also got a lot of those 'famous cliche statements'. I had a few people tell me that they were sorry for my loss. What!? My daughter was still alive! I hadn't lost her yet! And then I had people telling me all about organ donation. I know they were only trying to be helpful but it didn't seem right for them to be suggesting donating my daughter's organs when I had just found out that she wouldn't live.

Almost a month after her diagnosis I wrote a post titled The Do's & Don'ts for providing support. I hoped to help people understand what would and wouldn't be helpful for me. I'd like to share that post here:

I know so many people don't know what to say to me. Most of the support that I have received has been positive and I am grateful for that! I thought it might help to write down some things for those who are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I completely understand how difficult it would be to come up with words to someone in my situation. I hope this helps. (Some things may apply after Carleigh passes.)

-Don't keep repeating those famous lines of "It was God's will", "God has a plan in this", "Everything happens for a reason", and "God never gives us more than we can handle". While all of these statements are true they are not very helpful. I know for some mothers it really bothers them to hear statements like this. As for me, they really don't bother me as much but hearing them over and over does get a little tiring. Do know that I trust God completely in our journey and since learning Carleigh's diagnosis my faith has not wavered but has grown stronger. If you are praying for us just let us know. Prayer is such a powerful tool and to know that we are in yours brings me comfort.

-Don't say "You can always have another one", "Be grateful that you have Kyndra", "Well, at least she passed before you got too attached" or "Just enjoy the time you have left with her". Carleigh is my precious daughter and she is not disposable. If I had a choice of losing her or stabbing my eye out with a fork I would take the fork. I would die for her just as you would die for your children. Yes, I am grateful that I have Kyndra and that she is healthy. Look at it this way-if your mother died in an accident and you grieved would that make you less grateful to have your father? I love Carleigh very much and was attached to her the very day I found out I was pregnant with her. I very much enjoy having her kicking inside of me. I don't take a single day we have together for granted. Do say things like I am a wonderful mother to Kyndra and Carleigh. Every woman likes to hear that they are a good mommy.

-Don't say things like "Things will go back to normal before you know it", "Time heals all wounds", "You'll be okay", or "Isn't it time you got over it?". Grief is not an emotion I enjoy. I wish I never had to experience this road but I am and it will be a part of me forever. Do realize that any grief I experience will have to fade on it's own and not on a specific timeline. I may still feel the effects of Carleigh's death for years to come and important days such as her birthday, Mother's Day, and holidays may be harder for me. I will be suffering a death in my family and not just some medical condition.

-Don't imply that Carleigh is an angel because she is not. She is a child of God. Humans cannot be angels and it says so in the Bible. I know a lot of people like to think of babies being angels to possibly make it easier to handle. Carleigh will not be "an angel in Heaven looking down over me". She will be happy in Heaven with Jesus and be carefree and that is exactly how I want it for her.

-Don't say that you understand how I feel when you really don't. Unless you are carrying a child who will die, you really don't understand how I feel. Do realize that even if you have experienced loss, or are going to, that everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't pretend that this isn't happening and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I'm talking about it then it means I want to. Pretending that this isn't happening to me just makes me feel alone. Also, don't try to avoid me or be afraid that mentioning Carleigh will make me feel sad or cry. At times I may be ok and other times I may break down. It's ok for you to show your emotions in front of me. It shows me that you care for me and Carleigh very much. Do acknowledge what is happening to us. Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" is enough. You don't need to be eloquent with your words. Just say it and mean it and that's all that will matter. Receiving kind notes, flowers, and gifts are appreciated but don't be resentful if I don't respond with a call or a thank you note.

-Don't say "I'm sorry for your loss" when my baby is still very much alive. This phrase is not appropriate when Carleigh is still kicking inside of me. Please save it for after she has passed.

-Don't be afraid to share your good news with me. I am happy good things are happening to you and your family/friends. Just remember that your good news will not cancel out my grief or make things better. Do realize that nothing you say will make me sadder than the reality of what will happen to my child.

-Don't suggest donating her organs. How would you feel if you were asked this about your child, especially when she was still alive? Do know that organ donation has caused an ethical debate because of the difficulty in determining brain death since babies with anencephaly usually have a rudimentary brain stem. This would be a personal decision and it doesn't need pushing.

Please remember that this is the worst thing that I have ever had to experience. It is going to take me awhile to figure out how to live with it so bear with me. It is usually the simple little things that you say or do that mean so much. It is wonderful to know how much you care. Also, never underestimate how much a hug helps.

Along with the last line of that post, sometimes a hug is all I need. Sometimes words aren't necessary. It does my heart good to know that people still think and pray for us because we are still on this grief journey. One day I got a card in the mail from a family member telling me that they were still thinking of me and how we had touched their lives. That card meant a lot to me. Probably more than they'll ever know. (Thank you Jayme.) It was at a point where we were no longer getting calls, emails, and cards and it seemed like we were forgotten. And to know that at least one person had at least given us a thought really did my heart good.

It can be hard for people to understand that grief takes time to work through. In my frustration, I wrote a post called I'm not who I was. I wanted people to realize that I'm not the same person I was before all of this happened to us. I long to get back to more of my former self and I am getting there. I am closer each day.

Grief is uncomfortable for so many people but we need to know that it is ok! Jesus openly grieved in the Bible. In John 11:35 it is simply said Jesus wept. Two words that say a lot.

I hate it when I hear a fellow loss mommy say that someone told them they should 'get over it'. In my head I scream "How dare they!" Mourning a loss is healthy and shouldn't be discouraged. Everyone has their own timetable. Some are able to heal some quicker than others but that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with either one of them! It also doesn't mean they ever forget. No one every forgets their baby. Ever. Something I wish more people would do is talk about the babies that are lost.

I want to end this post with a verse. We should all strive to live this.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29