Monday, August 17, 2009

Handing her over

It's been awhile since I last posted about the days surrounding Carleigh's birth so I thought I would finally post the next thing.

We arrived at the funeral home after leaving the hospital. The drive wasn't nearly long enough. I remember just wishing we could drive home and not even go to the funeral home, but I knew it was something we had to do. I stayed in the car as long as possible until Anthony came and got me out.


This picture always gets to me. It looks like there isn't any life in my eyes. I look empty.


We made the slow walk inside and had a seat on one of the couches. One of the funeral directors, Craig, gave us as much time as we needed and I'm so glad we weren't rushed. We just sat there as I held her and we gazed at her and kissed her and told her we loved her very much.







In this photo if you look close enough you can see a single tear on my face.

I reluctantly stood up. I knew it was time to hand her over. This is the part I was dreading so, so much. Handing her over was the absolute worst. It was the hardest part in the whole journey for me.






After she was gone from my arms I broke down. Anthony held me as I sobbed and he held me up as we walked out and we drove home. The pain from that moment will always be with me. When I think about it I can't help but shed tears remembering how much my heart broke. And it really, truly felt broken.

36 comments:

Mom Putnam said...

i know it felt broken for you b/c my heart as your mother was breaking too for you and myself and watching how painful it was for you hurt me the most.
Glad to see you back on Honey

Betty said...

Ouch. I cant even...wow. It breaks my heart to see you like that.

Tina said...

Handing over my babies was so hard for me too. I guess it is for all of us. It is so final, to give them to someone else knowing they will never be in our arms again while we are on this Earth. Hugs to you.

Mindy said...

Holly, my heart is heavy for you. I can't imagine.

Rikki said...

i was crying just looking at your face and the pain it shows and remembering how hard it was for me with my boys to hand them over and say goodbye. That was when it really hit me that i wouldnt see them again. xxx

Emily said...

These pictures are so hard to look at, I can't imagine living through that day. Sweet Holly, you're still in my prayers. Love you....

Ms. Sarah said...

Hugs Honey. I know that pain. I hurt right along with you. I am always sad to see a new mom join this dreaded god forsaken club. Thank you for sharing

Nicole said...

I cried as I read this entry. The pictures made my heart break a little bit too.
I am so sorry that you had to hand her over and say goodbye. It must have been the worst of it all.
Thank you for sharing this part of your journey with us.

Linda said...

Oh I remember when Lynnette had to do that 3 times. So very hard. My heart broke for her and for Kyle,...and for me too,...for all of us.

My heart goes out to you and to your hubby and your mom, and the family.

So very hard to see you doing the impossible,...giving your baby back and then going home with empty arms. It breaks my heart to see you in so much pain.

Was it your mom taking the pictures? I am sure it will always be hard to re-live those moments when you look at the pictures or as you re-live them in your minds. All of this is still so fresh,..the pain is still so fresh.

But God does help us and He will help you all too. Keep trusting Him sweet Holly. He is as close as your next breath and He loves you very much. I pray He will wrap His loving arms around you and give you peace.

"One day at a time sweet Jesus".

Love you,
Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

Elizabeth said...

My heart goes out to you. It is the hardest thing to hand your baby over, knowing you will never hold them again. May God bless you and your family as he holds your precious Angel in His loving arms.

croleyc69 said...

I cried once again, I care so much & wish so many times you had never had to take this journey. I can't even begin to imagine your pain. Just know I pray for you daily.
Caroline

MommyIvy said...

Those pictures made me cry. My heart breaks for you Holly. I wish there was something I could do to take some of the pain from you.

Misty said...

Crying with you. I remember after Isaac died, I knew I had about 24 hours before the mortician came. My head went to a different place when that man entered my hospital room. I remember just starting and rocking. I rocked and rocked until I fell asleep. Loving you tonight. Holding your hand, too.

Jake and Stephanie Perrin said...

oh my word holly!! I am balling right now.. As a mother, my heart breaks for you... Thanks for sharing your story with us..

Anonymous said...

Holly, what an emotional story you have shared,and your pictures make it more so. I am so sorry you had to give Carleigh to the funeral director and that you couldn't bring her home to live with you. You are an incredibly brave woman. I can tell that Anthony is broken, too. I am praying for you , that Jesus will continue to give you the peace that passes all understanding.
Blessings, Sarita

Lucy and Ethel said...

Holly, the tears are flowing right now. What a precious series of pictures. What a precious family.
God bless you,

Ethel

Linda said...

I can't even begin to imagine how you must have felt. You are a very strong woman and I take my hat off to you.

stitchndeb said...

I'm crying and my heart hurts for you too. I'm so sorry. ~Debbie

My Very Own Angel said...

I cried through this entire post. It made me remember my time, oh gosh the photo's didn't help my tears they just keep flooding.

PJ Pumphrey said...

AWW..this made me cry..I hated handing Seth over..but we didnt get to take him to the funeral home..I had to give him to the nurse.I broke down when she took him from me!

Krystal said...

Oh hunny, I'm crying and feeling your pain. I think all mama's in the world who have never had to do this would still feel your pain just by looking at your photos.
But just know that she lived in you for a while and you got to spend time with her.
I thank you for your story, it really makes the simple things in life, like life itself, become more important than anything else.

Tim said...

WOW! THis was such a strong and moving post. While we cannot ever understand what you have been thru or the road you have traveled, we love you sooooo much and ALWAYS have you in our thoughts and prayers.

Love and Prayers,

Tim

Danielle said...

Letting go of our sweet babies just has to be the hardest thing anyone will ever have to face... I can't imagine my heart being anymore broken than it was in that particular moment.

My heart aches for you. It aches for every mother or father that has had to endure giving their child over, knowing they will never again hold them on this earth.

They say child birth is the greatest pain a person can feel, but I digress... Child LOSS is a pain like no other.

Praying for you everyday as you navigate this life without Carleigh.

Trisha Larson said...

It took me a day before I was strong enough to read this. It brings back so many memories and images of Nate. I don't have any pictures after he died. I have no idea what I looked like but when I look at your face I KNOW exactly how I felt. I think that we all have that "look" when our child dies. It's one that few know and understand.

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this too. It's horrific and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Hugs,
Trisha

April said...

Holly, I can understand this would be the hardest part about losing Carleigh. No one ever wants to hand over their baby, knowing they will never hold them again.

Hugs

Khanh said...

I am sorry. I couldn't finish reading. It was just too hard.

Lea said...

Oh Holly..... my heart is breaking for you... for all of us. I remember so many of the same moments. You are so right, handing our babies over, letting go, was one of the hardest parts of this journey....

Thank you for sharing such intimate memories with us.

xo

Cecilia said...

I remember having to give Ethan away as well. I think in my mind I didn't have to accept that he was gone because he was still with me, but when we handed him to the funeral person I had to finally admit he was gone. Praying for you!

Monica H said...

Holly, I am so very sorry for your loss. I just wanted to let you know I added Carleigh to the list of babies to be remembered.

xoxo,
Monica

Once A Mother said...

This reminded me so much of my last moments with Peyton, I knew it was time to hand her over, that if I didnt do it then I never could. I think it is just beautiful that you were able to bring her to the funeral home yourself, if that was an option for us, its not one I was ever aware of, and leaving her at the hospital, knowing she would go to the morgue was horrible. I felt such relief when I knew she was in the loving care of the funeral home.

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

I came across your blog and read this entry. I am still crying. That was the hardest moment of my life, too. I can literally feel your pain. No one can even fathom the depth of that pain unless they have lived it. I'm sorry you had to live it too. I am so sorry for your loss. Carleigh was beautiful!

xo
Ashley

Debbi said...

My heart just broke for you reading this....Over and over as I followed your journey I've thought these poor families have went thru so much heartache
The picture of you getting out of the car was just heartbreaking
((((hugs))))

Lori (browneyedmomof3) said...

Holly I still cry every time I read about carleigh, I can't imagine how hard it was for you. {{hugs}}

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Oh...my heart aches as I look at those pictures and read your words...heartwrenching doesn't even do it justice. There are no words...

Mary said...

As I read your post the pain came rushing back. I was there with in that pain. I'm sorry Carleigh is not here with you.

Leigh-Anne said...

I'm so sorry..Just know there are people out there praying for you. I know exactly how you are feeling. I've been there twice. If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here. I finally started this blog after reading others for so long. I'm hoping this will help with all my pain I still carry..I'm praying for you and your family.

With love,
Leigh-Anne

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