Sunday, March 29, 2009

At home

I am at home now and I am struggling. I miss my little girl so, so much. After we got the ok to leave from Dr. F my nurse, Michaella, got everything ready. Meanwhile, I dressed Carleigh in a different outfit to go to the funeral home. It starting getting to me at this point because I knew very soon she would no longer be in my arms. I was crying after I got her all dressed. She even looked so precious in her all white outfit. I wrapped her up in her fuzzy pink blanket and Michaella escorted us all out. Anthony went and got the van and our parents helped load all of our stuff up. It was just Michaella and I in the atrium and we both started to cry. I hugged and thanked her and went out to the van. The drive to the funeral home was too short. We took her in, along with our parents, to one of the funeral directors, Craig. We sat down for a little bit and spent a little more time with her. I couldn't stop crying. We set up to meet with them tomorrow for some last minute things and I will also be dressing Carleigh in her burial outfit. Finally, I had to hand my precious baby over to Craig. That was so very hard. I broke down. I know she is no longer in her body but I miss her so much. My arms feel so empty. My tummy no longer feels her little kicks. My heart is truly broken. I am very anxious to see her again tomorrow and to hold her close.

62 comments:

megan said...

Dear Holly-
I have read a couple of your Post's on CM and I found your blog from there the other day. I just wanted to let you know that your in my prayers and I pray for you to feel the embrace our sweet Jesus who is holding you during this time in your life and he is right now holding your baby girl. Blessings to your family
Megan

Emily said...

Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. I can't imagine what you are feeling, but I will still pray that God gives you strength and comfort in the upcoming days. Thank you for sharing Carleigh with us too, as her story is so precious and wonderful. Your family is still in our prayers.

Emily, Daniel and Lydia Grace Johnson (Emmy_Dollface)

Lori (browneyedmomof3) said...

oh Holly, I wish I had words to make all that pain go away for you. I know that I don't. All I can tell you is that I am still praying for you. {hugs}

stitchndeb said...

Hi Holly, I am crying over what you wrote, but what Megan said was the first thing I thought of too -- know that even if you don't have Carleigh in your arms, Jesus has her in HIS! Dear God, please comfort Holly, please help her get through this, please be with her. ~Debbie

Lisa said...

There are no words to ease your pain. I'm praying for you and Anthony.

cyndyinohio (DS) said...

Praying for you in this very difficult time. Knowing that Jesus is holding you (and Carleigh) in His arms.

Anonymous said...

For she is in the arms of God and angels are watching her . I cried too Holly, cause I know that it will be sad for you and anthony and the family. I am amazed of how your srength has gotton you this far. It will continue to get you through. Just remember the memories you have for that short time will keep her alive in your heart. I also know that she was very much loved by many as you carried her. God comfort and keep them under your wing to help them through this time and guide them in their everyday life. Protect and with your love you will have them in your hands. There are no words because I do not know what your going through because I haven't walked in your shoes but I can still feel your pain. I love you Holly. Just know your loved by many people and so is your family and Carleigh too. God will be with you keep the faith.
Love, Aunt Nancy

Anonymous said...

I cried myself to sleep last night thinking of all you and your family has had to endure. I prayed extra hard for you at church today and will continue to through your healing. You are such an amazing mother.

2+some Dearborns said...

My heart is breaking for you. Continue to take peace in the knowledge that she is in the arms of the Lord. God bless you and your family!

Cindy (reflect1light from CM)

Anonymous said...

I was on your CM friends list for some time and I am sure yo do not remember me but I am so so sorry for your loss. I really am.

croleyc69 said...

Holly I just read your post & now I'm in tears again. Last nite was hard to go to sleep all I had was You & your family on my mind. I wish I knew what to say but I do know that the Lord has you all in his arms.Holly I know I only know you from Cafemom but you are such a great mother. I wish I could give you a HUG. Just know that so many people care about you & the Lord will help you thru this time. I'm praying in the days & wks to come for all of you. God bless you all. HUGS Caroline - Cafemom-ccmom69

Anonymous said...

Holly,

Your journey has touched so many lives and your strength through all of this has made a lot of us stronger people. My heart continues to break for you. I feel like I am checking your blog every hour to see how you are doing. I know you are aware of how many people are praying for you and your family. And I know that God is going to continue to walk by your side as he has done thus far. May his love surround you every minute as you grieve.
Nicole

Anonymous said...

oh Holly,...my heart is breaking for you and your family. I wish there was something I could do...but all I can do is pray. And I have done so much praying for you since Friday morning when you went in for induction...

Keep your faith, know that God is listening. Know that your Carleigh is with Him.

My whole family is thinking of you and your family, and are praying...

love,
holli j

Mindy said...

Holly, Thank you so much for sharing Carleigh and your story with us. Even though I have never met you you have made a huge impact on my life. I wish I could take all your pain away, but I know that you have put your faith in someone who can. I too picture Jesus holding Carleigh. Even though you can't hold her much longer you have put her in the best hands that can take care of her. Let Jesus hold you too.
Cadeemom.

Anonymous said...

I am praying The lord gives you the streingth to move on day by day God Bless you and your family I cant even imagiane the pain your going thru I can only offer kind words and prayer

Sarah (Lovemy918-CM) said...

Oh Holly. I'm soo sorry for everything your having to go through, My heart breaks. Its not going to be easy, but God will give you the strength you need to make it through each and every day.

Anonymous said...

Holly you and Anthony are two of the most awesome kids to choose to carry Carleigh so that we were able to meet her. Even though it was only a short time she is loved by so many people and she had touched the hearts of more people that we will ever know. She is absolutely the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. It was so awesome to be able to spend time with her and hold and kiss on her and touch her. I want to thank you sooo much for allowing all of us the opportunity to be able to do that. One more way of you showing your unshelfishness. My heart goes out to the two of you. You are right Carleigh is with Jesus right now in is arms!!!! I might add she took the most beautiful award away from someone!!!!!! Love you lots, mom haas

Kat (DrusMom) said...

Oh sweetie. My heart is breaking and I have tears in my eyes. This is never anything I would ever wish on my worst enemy. I am SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO sorry that you have to go through this. THankfully, you are not alone while dealing with this difficult time.

karolyn (moss0324-CM) said...

oh holly my heart truely breaks for you and your family. I wish i could some how take away some of your pain. Carleigh is sooo beautiful and precious. You have touched me in such a way i'm at a lost of words. I believe you have made me a better mom. Thank you soo much for allowing us all to be a part of carleigh's journey. May god bless you all, give you the strength you need, and help heal the depth's of your wounds. Were all here for you if you need anything, But most of all i belive you would need god and just know that he's here for you every step of the way. Your a wonderful mom and i'm sure carleigh knew that. Your strength amazes me and your beautiful daughter fills my heart with bliss. I wish i could give you all a hug right now. I am ever so deeply sorry for your loss.
HUGS

ReignOverUs said...

My heart is breaking for you all. May God keep his arms wrapped tightly around you, and please know lots of people love you, and are praying for you. I love you Holly!

-Kate

The Martin Family said...

Holly, my heart is breaking for you. No mother should ever have to face this. You have been so strong all along, it's your turn to cry and thats ok. I keep praying for you and your family. I know God will take great care of Carleigh. Sending you lots of **hugs**.
Amber (angel07bear)

Melissa said...

I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and your family during this time. Thank you for sharing Carleigh's story with us. She is now in Jesus's arms, full of the joy that only He can bring.

Melissa (melissa_s from CM)

The Balduccis said...

Holly,

I am in tears right now, I know that there is nothing I could ever possibly say that would ease your pain let alone take it away. May god bless you and keep you, he will forever carry Carleigh in his arms.

Amber said...

No words can describe how Carleigh touched my life! I am in tears reading this I wish there was a way to make this easier but I know that`s just not possible.Thank you for sharing Carleigh with me and everyone else she has touched so many people.I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!love to you and anthony and kyndra..

Kristin (lilysmama23-cm) said...

Oh Holly my heart is breaking for you. I cant even imagine what you are feeling/going through. I will continue to pray for you and your precious family.

lorilynnkelly said...

May God give you strength in the coming days to face the challenges. Your pictures of your beautiful Carleigh made my 13 year old son cry. He even kissed her and said how perfect she was. And she is. She is in Heaven and watching over her mommy, daddy, and all of her family, with my baby girl angel that I never got to meet. God bless you and yours.

Anonymous said...

There are no words, only prayers being said for you and your family. Your daughter is beautiful, just like you. Through your pain, Jesus was revealed to so many. Thank you for being willing to serve him in that way. I can't say I would be that strong. Hold on to Kyndra. She will be a wonderful comfort to you.

jennagale said...

My heart is breaking for you. I can't imagine the grief you are feeling. I am so truly sorry, I don't know what else I can say. Carleigh is with Jesus, maybe that can give you a little comfort.
Jen

Ashley said...

I am so sorry for you. She is a pretty baby. Someone close to me lost her baby a few years ago and they told her "You will no longer fear death.. for you know who is on the other side waiting."
God bless you and your family. I'll be praying for you all.

Sailor and Co said...

tears streaming....heart broken for you...wish there was something i could do....

bobbi318 (cafemom) said...

There are just no words that can help. I pray that God brings you all the strength you need to carry on through the coming days!

The Chowaniec Family said...

You don't know me, and I don't know you but we share a bond called motherhood. I cannot imagine how empty, both physically and emotionally, you must be feeling right now. There is nothing anyone can say or do to ease your pain I am sure. All I will say is that you will remain fully in my prayers forever. Mommas are strong people and you now truly have to put that to the test. You must go on even when it feels like you can't. Hang in there and may God begin easing your pain and heartbreak. Praying for you and your family from Texas.
Alana Chowaniec

Betty said...

I cannot even BEGIN to imagine how hard that was to do.
My entire church is really lifting you and Anthony up in prayer for strength and understanding, comfort, and hope. I am so so so so sorry that you have had to endure this, but you have done so so gracefully. Luke asked me again to remind you that she will be waiting for you in heaven and that Jesus is holding her. He has such an amazing understanding of these matters...for anyone, let alone a 4 year old. You are on our minds....

Celia said...

I am crying & my arms are aching w/you. I can't even begin to fathom how hard that must have been but just have some idea at the moment. .... I truly am at a loss other than I will continue to pray for you & Anthony & Kyndra. My heart is breaking w/you all.

Anonymous said...

My heart feels so sad. I've been keeping you in my thoughts non stop. Wishing you lots of strength. ::HUGE HUGS::

-Michelle Delia (on CM)

Melisa said...

I have been thinking of you all day and all night last night. I just want to say thank you for sharing your beautiful little girl with us. She has impacted me more than words can say. She has made a difference in my life for the better. She has made me thankful and she has reminded me once again how very precious every moment is.

My prayers are with you, your husband and your family.

Nikki (HayliesMomma15 on cafemom) said...

I cannot even imagine the pain you must be going through. Just know that we are all thinking about you and supporting you.

~Nikki

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your loss here on earth. I admire you so much for your courage to keep going for all of this time. I think that you done a wonderful thing, and Carleigh was very lucky to have a mama like you.

Penny said...

I sit here in my house feeling so broken for you..... it breaks my heart that your arms are not cradling your baby. I know that God's plan is always soverign, I also know that our human hearts grieve losses so hard.

I can only imagine how perfect little Carleigh looks in here outfit. Let your hearts grieve this gift, the days ahead may seem dark but God is with you and I pray you feel his strength and peace.

We will be praying hard for you....

Misty said...

Oh my sweet friend,

How we all love you. I'm crying with you tonight, and I am so, so, so sorry. You are walking the road we soon too will follow on with Isaac, and it breaks my heart knowing you are hurting. And how could you not be? I love you, sweet girl. And I think about you all the time.

Love, Misty

Anonymous said...

I am so terribly sorry for your heartache and wish you didn't have to endure this loss. My heart hurts for you so much and I'm thinking of you and Carleigh constantly. I will hold you, Anthony and Carleigh in my prayers. God Bless you, Holly!!!!!

Mom Putnam said...

My Dearest Children, I cant even begin to tell you how very sorry I am b/c you already know that. It is so painful and hard. And like you i miss her so terribly. As you mother,Holly this has been the hardest thing for me these last few days watching my baby girl hurt so much and not being able to help you. But, then you know that b/c you have seen the tears and heartache for my little grandaughter. And watching you today at the funeral home was the hardest to date. Handing her over and walking away. Please Jesus, help us ALL get through this and comfort us in the days to come. Give us the assurance we need.I will be here Honey for you as long as you need YOUR mommy. I Love You so much. Mom Putnam

Laura said...

Holly, my heart is breaking for you. I wish there was something I can do, but I know nothing could ever be enough. Please know that you have the thoughts & prayers of many, many people (myself included), both near and far.
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful girl with us. Carleigh is one of the most precious things I have ever seen.
Much love & many hugs,
Laura (emslala)

Alissa said...

For me to even try and imagine what your going through brings tears down my face. I wish I had the right words to say like you have been able to do for me over the months but I am lost at what to say knowing nothing I or any one can say could possible take your pain away. Just know we all love you all so much Holly and we really appreciate you sharing the life of Carleigh with us. (((Hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Sending love, hugs, and prayers for you all. We all wish this was a road that you did not have to travel down but know that our Heavenly Father holds Carleigh and each of you in his loving arms.


Buck & Becky

Chelli (mom2nadia) said...

Holly there are no words to express how sorry am I for your pain and sorrow. I just pray for God to continue to be right by you and yours families side during the days, weeks and months ahead. God bless you!

sasicas said...

Hold tight to God, hold tight to your family. Take time to learn your new life as the mom of an angel. Its a hard life but with Gods help you will make it through. Im glad to hear you were able to keep her so long and get so many imprints of her feet and hands, pictures and yes even her hair, cherish those things. We never did get hand prints, one crummy foot print and few pictures....I wish to this day I had more, I wish I had kept her longer, I wish I had taken her to the funeral home...Anyways, sorry to go on and on, your story has just touched my heart and made me think of my angel as well.

I may not know you, but I know your pain, I know the tears, Im crying right now with you. Hold close to God, hold close to friends and family. God Bless you.

Cassie-Mom2SKMB (CM)

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

My heart is breaking for you. Your sweet, sweet angel is beautiful. I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Sandie~Goddes bump said...

We brought little Brannon home today from NICU and I am here holding him reading your latest entry and the tears won't stop. I don't know how I could handle what your going through. I wish things would have turned out differently for you and Carleigh. My prayers are with you always.
Your little Angel is watching over you now.
God Bless

Anonymous said...

This made me cry. You know your journey and Carleigh has touched my heart and soul more than I had ever imagined. Take your time with all your feelings and healing. Carleigh is definitely a great gift, just like your Pastor said, we may not understand right now, but someday we will. I can't say it enough how much she has touched me. If you need anything from me just ask. I'm glad I finally got to meet you as well. Give Carleigh a hug for me tomorrow. I haven't stopped praying.

With lots of love,
Ashley

Anonymous said...

Holly
you all are in my thoughts and prayers. she is very pretty i love her chubby checks. i am so sorry u have to go through the pain that u are experiencing. i love u both.

all my love
Erica Kay

Anonymous said...

Holly,

She is so pretty. I wish I Could have been there. You all are in ly thoughts and prayers. I am sorry that you are going through so much pain. Just remember she is being well taken care of and he will never let her be in pain. I love you all.

Keep your head up
All my love,
Aunt Jenny

Anna (mommy2bmw) said...

Bless your heart Holly. My heart is aching for you and your family right now. You have amazed me by your strength, gratitude, grace, courage, faith...just so much of you inspires me. I pray God will wrap his arms around you and will send peace to your heart. You will continue to be in my prayers. Stay strong!

*hugs* Anna (mommy2bmw)

ddsadkins said...

Holly, just letting u know that ya'll are in my thoughts and prayers. Cannot even begin to imagine what you're going thru. She is an angel in heaven and you will see her again.....just don't forget that. Lots of love and prayers....Shawna

Nicole said...

I am crying right along with you sweetie....Its so hard to let our babies go..((HUGS))

xoxojmpxoxo said...

Holly,
You, Carleigh and the rest of your family are in my thoughts! Nothing can be said to help ease the pain, and again I am sorry for your loss! You are SO strong, I could not do half of what you have!

God Bless,
Jessica

Anonymous said...

Holly,
I speak from experience to know the feeling of leaving your child lying in a funeral home. This is one club that I wish with all my heart you weren't a member of. Rest deep in the peace of God and let the prayers of others hold you upright. Grief is a journey you live through (not get over). I love you Holly and will continue to pray for you and Anthony as you walk this path.
Love, Beth

PJ Pumphrey said...

Holly, My heart aches for you... I know more than anything you wanted to spend precious time with carleigh while she was still alive...I am praying for you and your family!!!

PJ

Nicole said...

My heart aches for your loss. I am so very sad for you and your family.

Ive been checking your blog every few hours for updates, wondering how you are coping.

I know Carleigh is in heaven, no longer in pain, with Jesus - but I know that fact does little to comfort a heartbroken, grieving parent. Grieve all you need to, and I hope that you can feel God's comfort during these sad days.

Mrs Banjo said...

my little sister was still born. i saw what my mom went threw and i know the feeling of seeing my mom carry a baby and not be able to bring her home. i was telling my mom about your story and even though she doent know you she said to tell you she feels for you and if you needed anyone that she is always there to talk. i know it will never get easer but you are so strong and just always remember she is with you .
*rayni * remmismommy CM*

Anonymous said...

OH Holly, my heart breaks for you. Right now at this very moment in time, I pray for God to bring peace to you and your family. I so do not have the words to make it better. Seek out the word and HE will carry you. We are all thinking of you on DS.
Rachelle
clothmomof3

Anonymous said...

Carleigh is so very precious. While my heart overflows with sorrow for you and your family, I am so very happy that you have been able to love on her and spend time with her. My prayers remain with all of you.
Sarita in Texas

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