The Sea of Grief

Walking With You was created by Kelly of Sufficient Grace Ministries to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. To join in on Walking With You please visit Kelly's blog.

This 6th week, we are we are sharing our first steps into the sea of grief.

My grief journey began the moment we found out Carleigh had anencephaly. Those first few days after the diagnosis were tough. We found out on a Monday and Thursday we were set to leave on our family trip to Hawaii. I took the remainder of the week off of work and my mom came down to stay with us until we left. I spent most of my time on the computer looking up things about anencephaly. I wanted to know more than what I knew about it. I read many stories of families carrying their children to term and I usually cried. I cried more during those days than I did the rest of my pregnancy or even now. Before we left for our trip I decided to temporarily forget all of our 'problems' and just enjoy our vacation. I did exactly that. We all had a wonderful time. Now I have such fond memories to look back on and know that Carleigh was with us the whole time.

When we got back from the trip I started planning for the future, but with a more positive outlook. I wanted to enjoy my pregnancy instead of being constantly sad and I think I did a pretty good job at accomplishing that. I had my share of difficult moments, but God got me through them.

I wasn't sad when Carleigh wasn't born alive. The days in the hospital were actually good. Leaving was the hard part. Handing Carleigh to the funeral director was the most difficult part of my journey. I really could've kept her with me forever! Her visitation and service went well and sometimes it felt odd to see other people crying more than me over my daughter.

These days I don't feel sad. Lately I have been feeling more emotional but not in a bad way. When the tears fill my eyes I am usually thinking fondly of my daughter and remembering those happy times we shared together. They are tears of joy. I really miss her and I long to see her again. I will patiently wait here on earth until my time is through and then I will have forever with her and Jesus. I do have times where I miss her so much it feels like my soul is hurting. And when I have those moments, God is there to comfort me.

Sometimes I feel out of place with my grief. I know that everyone grieves differently, but I don't feel I can relate to a lot of people. I can understand the grief of others only to an extent. I used to wonder if something was wrong with me. The one person that I know who gets me and my grief is Stephanee. Our grief is similar and it helps me to know I'm not alone. I'm so glad that God crossed our paths. I still haven't found the right words to describe what my grief is like and I don't think I ever will.

While my life has taken on a 'new' normal, it is not far off from what my life was like before Carleigh came to us. It's just that now I have her sweet memory to cherish and the blessing of calling her my daughter. I think of her every day. I miss her every day and wish she was here. I will continue to carry what has been with me all along. Hope.

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The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces. Isaiah 25:8

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. Psalm 30:11-12