Return to Zero

This amazing movie about stillbirth premiered last night on Lifetime. It was the first global premiere of a movie on Lifetime and I’m so glad it was a movie that touched on stillbirth, loss, and grief.

RETURN TO ZERO - Official Trailer from Sean Hanish on Vimeo.

I won’t talk about what happened as not to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it but I will say that it was AMAZING. It was so true to life and I was able to relate to it, as were many others. This movie could only have been made by someone who has been there. Anyone else would never got it right.

The movie is available for preorder on Amazon. I definitely want to get this movie.

I will say that at the end of the movie before the credits were the names of many babies. People were given an opportunity to donate towards the movie to help fund it and if they did they were able to have their baby/babies’ name(s) at the end of the film. I donated through stillbirthday for the movie and I had Carleigh, Jordan, and Leah put in it. Although, I wish I would have put that Leah’s last name was different because they grouped her with my babies’ last name. That’s ok though, she was still there.

I highly recommend seeing the movie, but I will also warn you that it is emotional. Have tissues!!!

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is here again. Honestly, I don’t even care. Both my husband and I don’t really put much emphasis on giving each other stuff on days like this, our birthdays, or Christmas. I’m really glad we don’t. I see all these people who get so disappointed when the day isn’t what they expected it to be.

My husband and girls did wish me a Happy Mother’s Day and gave me a card, but that was the extent of “celebrating” the day.

I had thought maybe to go out to the cemetery, but we didn’t. After church, I was just ready to go home.

So wishing all the mothers out there today a Happy Mother’s Day….whether your baby is here on earth, in Heaven, or only in your heart.

Reflecting and looking ahead

It just blows my mind how quickly 2013 went by. I swear that each year I get older the year goes by faster. I did not post very much in 2013. There were times when I thought about and meant to but never got around to it. Free time is not something that comes by easily with 3 little ones running around keeping you on your toes. By the time they go to bed mom is ready to go to bed too (and I often do).

Many special days and holidays have passed in 2013 without me posting about them. I did manage to post about Carleigh’s birthday, but that may be the only one! This past year I’ve sort of unplugged from online things, especially in the latter half of the year. It’s actually quite refreshing freeing yourself from being so “connected”. So far this year I haven’t made any attempt to connect more and I think I am happier for it. I definitely get to spend more time with my girls, which is great for all of us.

As far as blogging, I think I only read a  handful of blog posts from other people. I’ve pretty much given it up. I shut down my family blog and the many blogs I used to read I don’t anymore. At one time, I needed to read and connect through them but I simply don’t anymore. It’s sad in a way since I don’t keep as updated with some people as I used to. However, I’m willing to sacrifice that for the extra time I have. I’ll always be thankful for the healing and friends that blogging brought into my life. So what is in store for Carleigh’s blog? Well, I have no plans to shut it down. I think it is still able to help and comfort those who are looking for it. I still need this space for me too. While I don’t write here like I used to, I like having a place to go when I do. I have made the decision to no longer do the monthly birthday posts that I have done the past 2 years.

I may not be involved much anymore in the blogging babyloss community but I am still involved with SGM. The beginning of 2013 was when Kelly and I became certified SBD Birth & Bereavement Doulas for our Perinatal Hospice & Bereavement Services we offer. In April, we served our first family and we as a ministry have served many since. The year brought more people to us to serve as volunteers for the program both as doulas and photographers. We established a division of our program in the St. Louis area with the help of our friend, Heather. It’s so amazing to see how SGM has grown and to see how God provides for us.

I think I only made it to the cemetery like 3 times in 2013. Surprisingly, I do not feel guilty for that. I wish I could have went more, but it’s just not as easy to go as it used to be. I had meant to go in December to put up some winter flowers but I never did. At this point, I’m not going to even bother. I’ll wait for her birthday and put some new ones up. I really wish I would have had her cremated instead. I could have kept her in our bedroom and gotten a cremation necklace I could wear. Then when my time was over here she could have been buried with me or my ashes could have been put with hers. I’ve actually entertained the thought on several occasions of digging her up and having her cremated. I know that would cost a small fortune to do.

Since this is an update of sorts I guess I’ll talk about how I am doing as far as the whole grief thing. Well, I’m doing fine. Really. Hard days or moments are the rare exception now. Of course, the missing is always there and I’ve learned to deal with that. I can honestly say I am happy with the way that my life is. I have no guilt over being happy and make no apologies to people who can’t be happy for me. It also makes me happy to see my fellow BLMs I have met along this road be happy too.

I actually had one of those “harder moments” not too long ago. I was lying in bed awake, which is unusual for me because when I’m ready to go to bed it doesn’t take me long to go under. I was thinking about Carleigh and what it would be like to be able to see her how she would look today at the age of 4 1/2 years old. I tried to picture it in my mind but the image never really came into focus. The tears welled in my eyes because I wanted it so much but I can’t have it (unless God saw fit to give me that glimpse). It just made me really miss her. Not so much sad but a longing of a mother to hold her child that she never can on this earth.

Believe it or not, I actually plan to post again in the next day or so with a review for a photo engraved necklace I recently received (and totally love). Stay tuned for that!

A Moment

The following is a guest post I did for my friend Stephanie at Girl of Grace exactly a year ago on her blog. I thought I would share it here.

 

There are certain moments you always remember. They are life-changing moments. There are times when these moments shift our whole world.
I still remember the exact moment when this happened to me. It was the day I was told my daughter wouldn't live.

Shock. Devastation. Sadness. How could this happen? How are we going to make it through this? How could God let this happen? Why us? Even amongst all the turmoil in my mind and my heart, I trusted God. People have wondered how I could do that-how I could have so much faith facing such a huge trial? All I know is that I didn't have any answers so I looked to the One that I knew did.

Waiting for the birth of my daughter was a sacred time where both grief and joy were intermingled. It was a time in my life that I felt closest to God. Perhaps it was because I was carrying a child destined for Heaven while God carried me. I cherish that time so much. I cherish each moment God gave me to mother her.

Another shift in our world came when Carleigh was born. I prepared as much as I could for her birth but no amount of preparation could have been enough for what it felt like in that room. There was a peace that surpassed any understanding that surrounded us. I always envisioned angels in the room escorting our daughter to Heaven as we waited to even meet her. What a beautiful sight our eyes couldn't see. I have said before that Heaven felt so close when she was born.

Those moments of carrying and holding my daughter I will keep with me forever. I never thought a little girl of 3 lbs 15 oz who never even took a breath in this world could impact my life so greatly, but she has. She changed everything I thought I knew as a person, a wife, and as a mother. She changed me for the better.

This road has been both broken and beautiful. I have endured intense heartache and intense love. Was it worth it? Absolutely, even just for one moment.

Day 20 ~ Capture Your Grief

Hope: Do you have hope for the future? What do you hope for those who will join this club in the future?

What helps me and gives me comfort through losing Carleigh is that I have the hope of seeing her again one day. I know that the brief moments we had on this earth are not the end.

Day 18 ~ Capture Your Grief

Release: What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?

I can’t really think of anything I need to “let go” of. I am in a good place with the choices I have made. There will always be choices I may question or things I wish I would have done, but I know that lingering on the what ifs and what could have beens will never do me any good because I can’t change anything. I know that I made the choices that I thought were best in each moment.

Wasn’t sure really what picture to share with this day so I chose a pic of a lantern being released from the SGM Remembrance Ceremony we had this month. We need to release the negative emotions that hold us down like we release balloons, lanterns, butterflies, etc for our babies.

Day 17 ~ Capture Your Grief

Time: How long has it been since your baby died.

I have spent every moment since then loving and missing her.

Day 16 ~ Capture Your Grief

Seasons: Share what certain seasons or holidays mean to you now. What season did your baby die in? What season were they conceived/born in? Etc. Do you dread those seasons now? Are they more meaningful to you because of your baby?

Carleigh was born in early spring on March 28, 2009. Spring is the season of new life. Many animals have their babies. Tiny buds turn into leaves, flowers, and various plants. Carleigh is my little bud that never bloomed here on this earth yet beauty still emerged. I know her beauty is even more in Heaven.

I do not dread the spring or any other season with its holidays that make me miss her even more. Each day is another opportunity to love her and honor her here.

Day 13 ~ Capture Your Grief

Book: Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.

It’s not a book for everyone, but it reaches out to parents facing a poor or fatal diagnosis for their baby. This book is an excellent resource for those families. It was not yet out when I was carrying Carleigh, but I wish it were. It would have been so helpful. I did read the book after it came out and even reading it afterward was helpful to me. I felt more of a connection to other families. They had been where I had been and they felt how I felt. Every family facing a poor or fatal diagnosis needs to read this book before deciding whether to terminate or carry to term as doctors do not often have the answers families seek.

source

The book can be bought on Amazon and is available on Kindle too.

Day 12 ~ Capture Your Grief

Article: Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Maybe it is something from Still Standing Magazine or a blog post from your favorite blogger or writer. Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.

I can’t really pinpoint just one article. I’ve read so many that the ones I would consider sharing I don’t remember what they are titled. I have read a lot of good articles on Still Standing Magazine, which centers on loss and infertility.

Day 11 ~ Capture Your Grief

Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?

I think the better question would be what isn’t a trigger. There are lots of things that make me think of Carleigh. Not everything is a sad trigger, but I can never really be sure what will or won’t be. Some days and moments are just tougher than others.

One emotional trigger for me is church. It’s not because I’m angry at God because I honestly do not have any anger towards Him about losing Carleigh. Being in church and singing songs and listening to the sermon touches the deep and tender places of my broken heart. It has gotten easier with time to not cry every single service, but it does still happen.

We had Carleigh’s service in our church. We often sit in the very same pew where I held her for some of those last moments. I closed and sealed her casket in the very same sanctuary we worship in each Sunday. How could it not be emotional?

Day 10 ~ Capture Your Grief

Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story.

I fully believe in God and the Bible. I believe that when we die on this earth we go to Heaven. I draw much comfort knowing that this is not the end. One day I will see my children again and then we will never be separated.

Day 9 ~ Capture Your Grief

Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?

There are many songs that make me think of her or even think of a certain point in time on this road I’ve been on. So to choose just one is impossible, but I will share one of the many.

There is a song I found a few years ago that I had never heard before, which only makes sense because it was released in January 2009 and we lost Carleigh in March 2009. I found it accidentally while searching on some random music site. I heard it and it just blew me away. I have loved it ever since. It is Still by Gerrit Hofsink. I bought it the very same day I heard it.

source

Day 8 ~ Capture Your Grief

Color: What color/s do you represent your baby? Why that color/s?

If you can tell anything from this blog then you might easily gather that the color I associate with Carleigh is the color purple. The color purple came when my pastor’s wife threw me a prayer shower and the color for the shower was purple. It just stuck. It was her color. Although, Carleigh did not wear any purple in any of her outfits after she was born. She had an outfit with little pink bows and she had a fuzzy pink blanket. A girl needs a little pink. :)

Her casket that we picked had a purple hue and the inside was purple. The blanket she was buried with was trimmed in purple ribbon. Almost all the flowers that everyone sent us were purple. Anthony wore a purple dress shirt during her service. The things we do to remember her often include the color purple. It’s become my favorite color.

Day 7 ~ Capture Your Grief

You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

Right now I am in a good place. The heaviness of grief does not weigh me down, but that doesn’t mean it just went away. It still resides in me and will remain as long as I’m missing my little girl. No matter how many good days I have there are still days when the grief is harder and the missing is more.

I am looking forward, but never moving on. I seek the light, but I don’t forget the darkness. I know that both joy and sorrow can exist together. I have learned to dance to my own song and be comfortable in it no matter what other people may think.

Day 5 ~ Capture Your Grief

Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most? It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

I am extremely thankful that I knew ahead of time that Carleigh wouldn’t survive as it gave me time to plan and know what I wanted when she was born. It gave us time to make treasured memories and gather precious keepsakes. There are not many negative memories of our time together so when I think of that time my mind easily goes to a happy one.

The first memory that comes to my mind is the moment after Carleigh was born and she was placed on my chest. The little girl I had been waiting months for was finally in my arms. In that moment, it didn’t even matter to me that she was born still even though we hoped so much to meet her alive. I was just so caught up in HER.

I’ll always wish we had one moment longer because the time we had together will never be enough. It is hard to fit a lifetime of memories into such a short time. I can still remember how it felt to hold her and kiss her. I hope I always do.

Day 3 ~ Capture Your Grief

Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it.

There are many myths out there about grief. Most people believe them until they find themselves grieving. One of the big myths out there are the things that people say to those in the midst of grieving. I have heard some of these myself.

These are all things that people think are helpful or are ok to say when it’s really not. None of these phrases help a grieving parent. Even if they believe some of them to be true, like God has a plan, it is NOT something you want to hear from someone else who is only trying to make everything seem ok when it’s not.

Capture Your Grief

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html

Joining in again this year to share through pictures.

A breakthrough for Potter’s babies

I remember reading when Representative Jaime Herrera Beutler was told that her baby had a fatal diagnosis of Potter’s Syndrome and that her and her husband decided to carry to term. I was so glad that someone in the public eye had made that choice so that others can see that it is a valid option and that terminating is not the only choice despite what doctors may tell their patients.

An article was recently published that shared more about her baby’s birth and life. Her baby was born alive and breathing. She has been doing well for 2 weeks now. During her pregnancy, several amnioinfusion procedures were performed to allow for lung development. Since her baby’s birth, she has been receiving dialysis for her lack of kidneys.

This is great news for families who are expecting a baby with Potter’s Syndrome because they know that there is hope for their baby to live when before doctors gave them no hope.

On the other hand, this news is quite the blow to families who have already had a baby with Potter’s Syndrome. This blow is especially hard for families who asked for the very same things (amnioinfusion and dialysis) and were told no. They were told that it would not help their baby and their baby would not survive even if these procedures were performed. Now it is proven that with these treatments, babies with Potter’s Syndrome can survive. It is a very hard pill to swallow and my heart goes out to all the families, including my friends, who have had to deal with some very tough emotions and grief with this news.

To Jaime and her husband, congratulations on the birth of your little girl. She really is a miracle. I hope that from her story she will be an example to other doctors out there that these treatments do work. I hope that more doctors will be willing to try them and save babies with Potter’s Syndrome. I pray that she continues to do well and that eventually she gets the kidney transplant she needs.

To my friends and Potter’s families, I’m so sorry that you were not given the chance to even try to save your very loved and much wanted babies. It isn’t right and it’s ok to be angry and to grieve over this news. I know how I would feel if it were my Carleigh and I would feel devastated to know that I could have done something but was prevented in doing it. My prayers go out to you.

Walking With You ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

Week 6 ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)
For this post, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms. Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss. Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again. Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons. Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief. Can you experience hope and healing…even if there is no rainbow after the storm?

Losing my daughter, Carleigh, has been life-altering but I knew while I was still carrying her that I wanted more children. It may seem odd to some that I would decide while my baby was still alive but husband and I had time to prepare and think what we wanted in many areas and this was just one of them. While I was afraid of lightening striking twice, it was worth the risk to me. I knew that if we lost another children that we would not regret having tried and knowing our baby for as long as we were given. I must mention that while my heart ached to be filled, I did have my older daughter to hold and love and that did help ease my empty arms. I think it would have been more difficult if I did not have her.

After my 6 week check-up we began started trying to conceive. Month after month it didn’t happen and I would be sad and frustrated that I wasn’t pregnant yet. I really started to think that maybe something was wrong because it only took 3 months to get pregnant with Kyndra and 1 month to get pregnant with Carleigh. After trying for 9 months, in January 2010, I decided to just let it go and let God handle it. That very same month I found out I was pregnant. At first I didn’t think I was because I was a week late and still testing negative but a friend suggested I take one more test so I did. It was positive! Evidently I just ovulated later the previous month. I was so excited but also wary too. I know some loss moms wait a certain amount of time to tell anyone but we shared the news right away. I wanted prayers for our baby right from the start from as many people as possible.

My previous ob had closed her practice so I had a heck of a time finding a provider I felt comfortable with. I remember driving home from a few appointments in tears because I felt like my concerns weren’t being heard and that my loss wasn’t being acknowledged. Then I had an appointment with a certain doctor and after meeting with him everything changed. I don’t know if he put something in my chart but from then on everyone was wonderful. He was so kind and acknowledged and validated what we had been through. I knew that we would be well taken care of from then on.

My due date was October 1st and week after week went by. My emotions were up and down. I was so happy and loved my baby so much but I was scared, anxious, and worried that something might happen and I’d lose this little one too. I  bought a doppler to use to be able to check on my baby whenever I felt I needed to and I’m so glad that I did. It really helped me! I’d breathe a little sigh of relief after each milestone, knowing I was one step closer to bringing this baby home. We found out we were having another little girl and I was beyond excited because I hoped that we would have a girl.

As my due date came closer and closer my emotions became a little more unpredictable. I worried that we were getting so close to the end and something might happen to take it all away. I stayed very aware of her movements and checked with my doppler often. I remember one day I had a scare and hadn’t felt her move for 5 hours. I went into the office and they did a NST and an ultrasound. I was in tears during the NST because I was so afraid. Luckily, the same doctor who assured me earlier in my pregnancy was there that day and he really helped me. We did regular NSTs at the end of my pregnancy not because I really needed them but just for my own peace of mind.

At 38 weeks 5 days I had my first rainbow baby. The birth was so healing for me. For Carleigh’s birth I was induced and had an epidural in a hospital. We hoped to meet her alive but she was born still. For my rainbow Lainey’s birth I had a natural water birth in a birth center and she was born alive and healthy. Her birth was the amazing experience I wanted and needed it to be.

Almost a year after my first rainbow was born I conceived our second rainbow and found out in October 2011 and was due in June 2012. My second rainbow pregnancy was much easier on me than the first. I felt a little more relaxed and not so on edge with my emotions. I had some insurance snafus and I didn’t get to go back to my same provider til I was about 24 weeks and had some issues before then, but I was so relieved I got it all worked out and was able to go back to them. I got NSTs again for my peace of mind and kept better track of kick counts to help keep myself calmer toward the end. I had my second rainbow baby girl at 40 weeks. For Evanee’s birth I had another natural water birth at the birth center and it was another amazing birth.

My sweet rainbows have been the best healing balm for my heart. They restored some of the joy that was lost when Carleigh died.

Pregnancy is never the same after you have lost. The innocence you had before died when your baby died. Pregnancy after loss can be filled with so many overwhelming emotions. It is normal for fear, anxiety, and worry to be present, but you don’t have to let it take over your life and steal the joy of your pregnancy. Enjoy every moment you can with your baby. You don’t want to look back with regret wishing you had cherished it more. Find someone who can be your listening ear when it gets tough.

It is so important to have a good support team behind you, both personally and professionally. It may sound harsh, but if someone cannot support you then you don’t need them, at least not right now in your life. If friends or family criticize or minimize your feelings then take a step back from them. If your care providers won’t listen to you or treat you with extra care then find a new one. Surround yourself with as many positive things and people as you can.

Having a rainbow does not mean you will ever forget about the baby or babies you have lost, despite what some people may think. I still think of my Carleigh every single day. Watching her sisters grow up is bittersweet. There is always a little girl missing from the picture, a void that can never be filled. Carleigh is a little and a big sister and she will always be a part of our family. Her sisters know who she is and speak her name.

I know it isn’t easy for everyone to have their rainbow. For some it takes years and for some it never happens. My heart aches for these mothers and families. Can healing take place without a rainbow? I believe that it can. I believe God can bring healing no matter what.

As for the future, there are no more rainbows for us as Anthony had the big V. Of course, I am fully aware God could totally change that and I am very open and willing if that is His will for us. Even if there are no more children for us, I plan to be a surrogate for a family who can’t have a child of their own at least once perhaps more. Maybe I’ll even be able to give a mother the rainbow she longs for.