Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Lynnette's Book-Chapter 2

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This book reading is for In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me by Lynnette Kraft. (To visit Lynnette's blog click here.)

I remember fondly Lynnette's memories of the times with her son, Jared, such as cuddling and nursing. I enjoyed those moments very much. Babies bring so much joy! I actually enjoyed changing diapers and still do! It became more enjoyable for me once I started using cloth diapers. Anthony doesn't seem to mind changing them but he likes to pass the poopy ones off to me. Aw, thanks hun.

It is true, at least for me, when they say your mommy instincts will kick in. Many times I knew just what to do in regards to my baby. It's like I'd always been a mommy. I had to laugh at Lynnette's story of forgetting to put a diaper on her son. I've had my moments too! Do you have a funny experience to share? What are some of the silly or stupid things you did? I remember when Kyndra was real little and I was getting her ready for her bath. I had already taken her diaper off in the living room and thrown it away. She suddenly decided it was a good time to take a poopy. I saw what her plans were and I scooped her up and tried to get her to the bathroom as fast as I could while keep her as far from my body as possible. Needless to say that didn't quite work out like I wanted it to. There was a trail of poopy leading to the bathroom and then some on the bathroom floor including my foot. I was still nursing so you can imagine how lovely that was. At least it was easy to clean up. I learned to take her diaper off in the bathroom as close to the tub as possible just in case.

Kyndra was 6 months old when we decided to start trying for another baby. I wasn't nursing anymore at this point as my supply had dwindled because of working or else I probably would've waited longer. After just a month of trying we were able to conceive. My pregnancy with Carleigh was easier than with Kyndra. I wasn't dead tired in the first trimester. I didn't have a lot of nausea either. I also had no idea that anything was wrong with my baby. When I had my first ultrasound at 7 weeks to check dates, little Carleigh was measuring 6 weeks so we adjusted my due date from April 17 to April 24. Later we found out that my April 17 due date was really correct. Her measurement was off because of her head.

Has there been a time in your life that you felt the world was falling apart? When Lynnette shared about finding out about Samuel's anencephaly it took me back to my own D-Day. It's a very tough thing to be told that the child that you are carrying will not live. I imagine things had to be more difficult back then when there wasn't a lot of support around. I was so glad to read that Lynnette found a good doctor who really cared for her. I am glad Lynnette leaned on God to get her through. I know I am thankful that God was there for me.

Miracles. So many people hope for them. We had a lot of people praying for us (and who continue to do so! thank you!) and I know many prayed for a miracle for us. This is actually one thing I never did pray for. I never asked God to heal Carleigh. I only asked Him to let her be born alive so I could spend some time with her. He answered my prayer, but He told me no. I wasn't angry at Him. God could've allowed Carleigh to be born alive but He didn't. God obviously knew that more good could be achieved with her not being born alive. I can't possible begin to fathom all the reasons why but that's not my job. I am just to trust Him. Has God ever worked a miracle in your life or in the life of someone you know?

I could really relate when Lynnette said she drew closer to her husband in carrying Samuel. It has been the same for Anthony and I too. God has made us stronger and drawn us closer to Him in a way we may have never been had we not been blessed with Carleigh. Anthony was always there with his loving arms during times I struggled with my emotions. How has difficult times affected your marriage?

I can sympathize with Lynnette's fear of the unknown at the time. Lynnette's friend's words certainly ran true for me. "Lynnette, love that baby while you still have her. She is still alive in your womb. Nuture her and care for her. Sing to her. Love her." The farther along I got in my pregnancy with Carleigh the more I grew to love her. I cherished my time with her. This is how my pregnancy with Kyndra was different. I didn't cherish those little things as much. I mean, why should I? I wasn't expecting her to die. I wish I would've. It just made Carleigh's time with me that much sweeter and it strengthened our bond.

What fears have you struggled with? My biggest fear with Carleigh was what she would look like. The pictures online of babies with anencephaly are not pretty ones. It can be downright scary. Luckily, through my anencephaly support group I was able to see our babies as they were meant to be. Loved and in the arms of their parents instead of on a table as a specimen. But even after seeing pictures of other babies, I still held some of that fear.....until I saw her. And then I wondered what they heck I was so scared of. She was beautiful. What I fear now is the chance of this happening to us again. I know that the chance is very small, especially with me being on high doses of folic acid, but I know it can happen. Then my mind wanders to the idea of my baby having some other fatal defect. I just don't want to have to endure the loss of another child, whether it be early in pregnancy through later in life. However, I know that no matter what happens God will be there for us and He will get us through any trial we face.

I loved Lynnette and Kyle's plan for their family. It's one that I would love to follow but I also know that Anthony wouldn't be to keen on the idea of just letting God bless us with as many children as He wants! If it was up to him, he would've stopped after we had Kyndra. I feel very strongly in my heart that God wants me to have more children. It's something I've prayed over many times. I would be quite happy to have a houseful of children. Anthony's biggest worry is over finances. Some days I'd really like to knock him upside the head and tell him to trust God already! God's plan and timing are perfect. Do you feel that God has a plan for your life?

I knew that most likely Carleigh wouldn't come on her own so I wanted to carry her for as long as possible. I wanted to reach my due date. However, I made the decision at 37 weeks to go ahead with an induction because of her IUGR. I think if I could go back I would've waited instead of proceeding with the induction. I was anxious to meet my little girl but I could've also spent a few more weeks with her. But I made the decision I thought was best at the time and with the advice I had been given. I'm so happy that Lynnette and her family got that time with Samuel. It couldn't have been easy at times, especially seeing him having the seizures and slowing losing weight. We never want to see our children suffer.

Lynnette's words, "Up to that day, the hardest thing I ever had to do was place my precious infant son in another's arms, knowing that while I was still alike, I would never hold him again. Samuel had gained heaven, but we were left here with empty arms. God would give us victory, and I would trust in his purposes for all of our pain. I would look forward to seein Samuel again," are words that I feel are very true. Handing Carleigh over to the funeral director was by far the hardest part of my whole journey. What has been the hardest moment of your life so far?

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April said...

I know you are able to follow closely with Lynnette - probably in many cases, be able to speak her words.

I have to say the pooing story is so funny! I can only imagine your face and screams as you realize that she isn't "holding" it to the bathroom. LOL And not even for the toilet I'm sure - just hard flooring, NOT carpet!

I admire your will to let God plan your family plans - I know that my husband would not stand for NOT have a line drawn somewhere. I think he would like to be able to stop working and enjoy life alittle more down the road, instead of working his whole life to support a large family. And with us - having gotten pregnant on the first try! - who knows how many children we would have :)

I makes me happy to see that your trails have brought you Anthony closer together, that God drew you two closer. When two people grieve two differently, it can be devastating to a marriage. I know there must have been hard times for your relationship, but it is wonderful that your bond grew stronger in the end.

I can understand your fears with another pregnancy. I think those fears lie with every pregnant woman, but if would have to be ten folds for a woman who has already walked that road - you have fear based on experience. It will be a fear to pray upon, but won't ever do away until you are reassured by that baby being born healthy.

Thanks for hosting today!

croleyc69 said...

Such a great post Holly & you are so amazing. I'm so glad to be doing something like this. It really helps me because when I lost I didn't have anyone to really talk to. I have kept alot inside & I know that's not good. Glad you & Anthony are closer together. I know that with this past pregnancy all I cared was that our baby be healthy & as far as the day I found out the sex, it really didn't matter I just wanted the baby to be ok. I didn't find out til my last ultrasound anyway the sex because the baby was never laying right. I do pray everyday that the Lord gives Anthony & you a healthy baby. HUGS & Prayers always :)

nikjarv said...

I wish you had a more personal way for me to let you know this - but your email isn't listed.

I came across your blog through others - and although I don't follow you, I do come and read it often. I do not know anyone that has had a baby with anencephaly, nor have I gone through that experience myself - I am just a mother that enjoys reading other "mommy blogs".

The common thread I see among all these mothers that have had to deal with infant death - is the horrible moment of having to leave your baby with the funeral director.

I stumbled across this site: www.crossings.net

It made me think of you, and other mothers with the same story you have.

The "story" link in that site was quite interesting.


stitchndeb said...

You have some guts, out of all the mommy stories you could have told you picked one that makes people go EWWW and laugh at the same time. :) When you had to take Carleigh to the funeral home, I'm still just astounded how you were able to do that. I would have been a mess. Also, I'm also one who's praying your next baby will be healthy. I think it's natural and typical to worry about future pregnancies though. ~Debbie

Ms. Sarah said...

heres my story :) http://autsimandadoptionblessings.blogspot.com/2009/07/read-with-us_21.html

For whatever reason your links arent showing up :( I recieved your package today. Thank you so much :)

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