Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Letter to God

This is a letter that I wrote to God but it has been lurking in my drafts for awhile now. I didn't know if I was going to post it but I just have no energy to post anything about Carleigh this week so here it is.

To my Heavenly Father,

I've been Your child for some time now. My parents raised me in the church and I'm very thankful for that upbringing. For most of my life I have stayed on the right path, but both You and I know I've had times where I've wandered off and made a mess of things. But You always took me back with open arms and forgave me when I didn't deserve it. No matter what I had done. I thank You for that!

Lord, I don't always understand Your ways. Why my child? Why did my baby have to have anencephaly? Why wasn't my daughter born alive? Why did You allow this to happen? So many questions that I don't have the answers to. And you know what? I'm ok with that because I know that You know better than I do. Even though I've always accepted this journey You gave me doesn't mean I still don't wonder about things. I wonder what Carleigh would look like right now and what milestones she would be achieving. Would her personality be like her sister's or would she be the total opposite? I imagine we would be cuddled up on the couch together and I'd be nursing her and I would be loving it. I miss her and love her. Will You tell her that?

I know she's in a far greater place than I could ever provide for her. She will only know love and joy for all eternity. I'm so glad she's with You, Lord, but I still long for her to be with me. I never really got to know her outside of my womb and I wish I could've. My daughter's short life has touched me immensely and I will never be the same as I was before. She's drawn me closer to You. You know the changes she's made in my life but You're not surprised, are You? You saw it all when I couldn't.

I know that our journey has blessed many people, including myself, but if I had a choice in the matter I would rather our story never existed. I would rather have my daughter here in my arms. Does that seem selfish?

Nevertheless, I praise You for the work You have done. I shared our journey and You blessed it abundantly-reaching out to so many people in many different walks of life and bringing us all together. Through our journey I've met such wonderful mommies just like me. I'm so glad they are my friends and that we can help each other through it all. I'm also glad for the many special friends I have met in blogland. I'm thankful for them all.

I'll praise You through whatever storms come my way and I'll never turn away from You. Even if I must walk this road again I will do it for Your glory. I trust You and love You with all of my heart and all of my life.....forever.


croleyc69 said...

That is a very moving letter. Thanx for sharing it. Prayers & HUGS always.

Just Breathe said...

Your words are beautiful and I know God hears you. I was raised in a church but I have really only know God for 14 years. (I am 57)
When attending bible studies I asked this question yet no one really had the answer for me. See I pray each day for God to take me first before my children. So I asked "If Heaven is such a wonderful place, why wouldn't I want my children to go first?" I felt that I was being selfish. I told someone earlier today that we will never have the answer to why only that we know it was the will of God and we can't question that.
I am so sorry for your loss and this sad journey. I will continue to pray for your comfort. God Bless

MommyIvy said...

I wish you didnt have to go through this journey either. I dont think that it is selfish to wish Carliegh was here with you. I would wish the same thing, if I were in your shoes. I am glad that you shared your journey with us. It has led me closer to God and to taught me to be grateful for the time I have had with my children.It has also taught me to not complain about the dirty diapers, because someone out there is wishing they changing one. Thank you so much Holly for sharing with me. I owe you a great amount of gratitude for opening my eyes. I wish there was something I could do for you to ease your pain.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Beautiful letter from a beautiful mother's heart. Praying for you, sweet friend...

Anonymous said...

Holly, you said so beautifully what I, and I know many others, feel about our forever babies. Thank you for posting your letter.
Even though I have grieved for my baby and come to terms with it, and I know she is safe with God, I beame a different person on October 6, 1974, when she left for Heaven, and I will never be the same. I remain so sorrowful for you for your loss. I know your arms and heart ache.You are in my prayers. Blessings, Sarita

Emily said...

It seems unnatural to thank God for our babies' lives and deaths, yet we do. I pray every night that God would use Leila's death for something amazing. It's cold comfort, I'd so much rather have been her earthly mommy, but the Arms that she's in are incomparable to mine.

But, every night, I ask God to give her a hug for me, and tell her how much I love her.

Thank you for being so open with your heart. I was so fortunate to stumble on you and a few others when Leila went Home, and you guys have been an amazingly positive influence in helping me through this. (((hugs, sister!)))

Emily said...

And no sooner did I type that, then head to my email box to see K-Love's Encouraging Word of the Day:

Thursday 7/2/2009

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

~ 2 Corinthians 1:4, NLT

(you embody this, Holly!)

Amber said...

Your letter is so beautiful, strong and moving. I have a true admiration for you. It grows everytime I read something like this.

Googies Girl said...

A beautiful letter straight from the heart. I feel I could learn so much from you. Your faith & grace inspire me greatly. I am so sorry for the loss of Carleigh.

Kate said...

Thank you for sharing!

April said...

I know your heart breaks as you write down your thoughts and emotions. As humans, we can accept - but not like the idea of so many unasnwered questions. I truly believe that the concerns/troubles/issues that ache in our hearts in this life, will not even be in question when are finally where we were always meant to be.

Mom Putnam said...

I just read this letter and I wept through the whole thing. What an amazing, loving, faithful, daughter we raised and you make me very proud. Sometimes I think you do better than me. How can that be? You suffered a loss greater than I. As much as you loved carleigh, that is how much I love you because you are my daughter.oxoxox

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