Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Preparing to leave

I wasn't looking forward to the day we had to leave the hospital because I knew what that meant.....I would have to give up my baby girl. Sure, it was only her body, as she was really in Heaven with Jesus, but it was all I had of her.

The pictures I am sharing of that day-March 29, 2009-go in sequence and show me undressing Carleigh out of her hospital outfit and into her outfit that I was taking her to the funeral home in. I did this all very slowly to savor my last moments with her. Maybe I was prolonging the inevitable, but it's so very hard to let go. My last few pictures show me holding her in my arms and breaking down-reality setting in. I didn't really cry after she was born and during our short stay in the hospital. I was just so glad to have her near me and to be able to hold her, kiss her, love her. But leaving and knowing that soon-very soon-I would forever be without my baby girl on this earth......it felt like my heart was crushing in on itself.


























25 comments:

the browns said...

dearest holly sounds like your walking down memorylane tonight i ampraying for you that God will give you comfort in your memories i have been so touched by your faithfulness may god bless you.
ja

Emily Yeater said...

Oh Holly,
I can't even begin to imagine the kind of pain you are feeling especially on days like today when all of the feelings in the pictures come rushing in. Even though it has been just over 2 months since your sweet little girl went home to be with Jesus, I continue to pray for you on a daily basis and think about you often throughout the day.

Emily

Celia said...

And the tears are flowing freely....such a precious memory. I too remembery VIVIDLY those moments before having to give Noah to my husband. I had fully expected to be able to keep him until we left the hospital, which was only the next day, but sadly that did not happen. I too tried to soak up as much of Noah as I could, undressing him, cradling him, holding him close on my chest....My heart is aching for you...Thanks for sharing...

Christina said...

tears are streaming down MY face....

croleyc69 said...

It's so hard to even be able to think of how you feel. I pray for you everyday & think of you so much. This brought tears to my eyes & I know that everytime I look at my little girl, I think of how lost you must be Prayers & HUGS !!!!!! Just remember the Lord is always with you. Thanx for sharing. Caroline

Celia said...

Holly, that post wasn't meant to be towards my anen mommy friends...I thought about including that but I didn't want to offend those that the post WAS meant for...hehe! I want you to know that I cherish our conversations so much! They really help me and make me feel better! I feel more whole after talking with you...or at least more sane anyway!
In fact, we haven't talked in a while. I know we were supposed to talk this weekend but I never heard from you. Of course, I could have picked up the phone too but I was not in a good place this weekend....something we can discuss on the phone if you want as it is....well, it was big in my mind anyway. Let's figure out a time to talk today or tomorrow, okay?

Emily said...

Thank you for sharing these beautiful photos of a tender memory. I remember too clearly my last few minutes with Gabriel. I know what you mean that it is only their body but it was so hard to let go of any little part of him I had to hold.

((hugs))

Linda said...

Dear Holly,...My heart is sad for you as I see these pictures and read the pain on your face as you were preparing to say good-by to Carleigh. Because we had to say good-by to our little grandson Samuel who had anenchephaly too, I remember that kind of pain.

I prayed for you this morning and hoping that God's peace will flood your heart as you are re-living that time, by sharing these photos with us.

Carleigh is with Jesus and we can take comfort in that, and can rejoice that you will see her again,...and that you will get to spend all of eternity with her.

Love you, Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

Shelly said...

I look at your blog and it brings back so many memories of when we had to say goodbye to our son, Andrew. He was stillborn on May 14, 2009. I didn't want to leave him behind. It was so hard. I'm praying for you.

nsrush83 said...

Holly, these pictures break my heart. All that you went through. I know you read about my sister on Cafemom. Your story is helping me help her deal with it. So Thank you. Carleigh had a divine purpose...

MommyIvy said...

Oh Holly,
I am so sorry. I am praying for you. Your pictures brought tears to my eyes. I have only miscarried and never lost a baby that late, but anytime you need to talk I am available. I wil try to comfort you the best I can.

RoseRed said...

Dear Holly,

I am praying for you, and I'm sure that Carleigh is praying for you in Heaven too. My mom lost 5 babies through miscarrige, and I know how sad you must be. Carleigh was a very beautiful baby.God bless and keep you,

Rose

Betty said...

Tear.

Thank you for sharing these pictures of such an intimate and personal time for you. They are beautiful. We are still praying each day for you and Anthony.

Mindy said...

My heart aches for you Holly. I can not imagine what you went through or going through. I'm sorry.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Oh Holly...these pictures are beautiful and heart wrenching. Love to you...

And continued prayers...

meme9878 said...

Holly, I am at a loss for words at this moment in time. All I can say is my heart is aching for you. This puts reality in what I am going to be facing within these next few months. As I have said before, you are an inspiration to me. You are a wonderful, wonderful lady as well as a wonderful mommy to Carleigh. May God bless you and your family throughout each and every day. Thank you for sharing your pictures of your beautiful little angel, and thank you so much for this blog. You do not know how much you are helping me through my Journey. Thank you!!! ((((((HUGS))))))
Mia

Andi Soergel said...

Beautiful, beautiful moments! Thank you for sharing and my prayers don't stop!
love,
Andi

Megan said...

Holly....what powerful pictures. you look so sweet loving on your little lady. wow! your strength in those moments has my head spinning! god is so good to have given you every ounce, huh?!!

Heaven has never sounded sweeter huh? now to press on and glorify God in this....it seems to me you are doing that very thing! You go girl!

Lynnette Kraft said...

Holly, what beautiful, tender pictures. I'm so glad you have those. It's just precious to see your love for your baby girl. Carleigh has blessed my life through your blog. You have blessed my life. You are a beautiful person Holly.
Love,
Lynnette
PS Congrats on the 200 followers! :)

Alicia W. said...

OH HOLLY! I'm so so so sorry for what you went through and still going through. I will pray for your strength.

Ramona said...

What beautiful photos. The tears are streaming down (it probably was not a good idea for me to look at them with my kids running around here!!). Thanks for sharing your most precious moments with us. Reading your Blog is so very helpful to me on our journey with Anencephaly. I will continue to pray for strength for you and Anthony.

Ramona

Anonymous said...

Holly,
I check your blog daily... And reading this one, I had to wait a day to comment... I cry every time I see pictures, read the touching stories, see the hurt.. She is BEAUTIFUL!!!I keep you and the family close to my heart, and think of you always! May all of this blogging help you heal!
Love and prayers!
Jennifer

Emily James said...

Holly,
Thank you so much for thinking enough of us to share these precious photos. Everytime I think of Carleigh I cry. Sometimes it's tears of joy because I look at her and know how she touched me... even from so many miles away. Sometimes it's tears of sadness because as a mother and friend, my heart aches for you and your family. The one thing that makes me smile again is knowing where baby Carleigh is now and how lucky we are to all have known her... even if it has been through journals, blogs, links, and photos.

HappyascanB said...

What a precious, precious time you had with her. Thank you for sharing these intimate pictures. They're so beautiful I don't think I could ever begin to explain how beautiful they are! I love how much care you took to change her.

Alyson said...

These pictures were hard for me.....You can feel the powerful emotions in every picture.....Of letting go.....moving forward..savoring the moments....the kisses....the LOVE.....the WARMTH......the time.....and I can feel her presence in them as well....She was right there with you.......

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