Sunday, November 22, 2009

My first public breakdown

The weekend was mostly great. On Friday afternoon I left work early to see New Moon with my bff, which was awesome and totally made my day. After the movie I picked up Kyndra from the sitter and we went home so that I could gather our things to make the trip back to the northern region. I took a different way there so that I could pick up a couple of cheesecakes Emily (Leila's mommy) made for me. Emily, your cheesecakes are divine. Simply fabulous!! And I somehow managed to lose the raspberry topping from meeting you (which was so nice but wish it could've been longer) to getting to my parent's house. Don't know how that happened but it did. :(

Saturday we had a family Thanksgiving, which a few on my dad's side came to. It was nice and I even did fine with the two little baby girls there, one my niece and one my cousin. I seem to do ok with babies that belong to my friends and family. I avoid strangers' babies as much as I can. I prolly could handle it but I'd rather not find out at this point in time.

I brought out some of Carleigh's pictures to look at. I talked to my Aunt Sherry some and that was nice. She lost her son Brett, my cousin, 19 years ago to a heart condition. I remember it happening but I was just a child and it didn't affect me as much as it does now. She certainly knows this road I walk and she's even said you live with it forever and I don't doubt it one bit. She wrote me a letter that is tucked in Carleigh's little box of letters and cards in her memory chest. I'll have to get it out and read it again.

Anthony picked up my step-daughter Hannah on Saturday and she is with us for the week and his parents are with us until Monday. We all went to church this morning. Church has always been an emotional place for me since Carleigh died. I've always been able to keep myself together and not cry but today I couldn't help it. Pastor Lisa gave the sermon today and it was based upon Matthew 11:28-30 which states: Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

She asked us to look back on the past year and to think of just one word to describe it. One word? How could I possible come up with one word to describe all of what I have been through and all that I have felt? Pastor Lisa said that the one word Jesus would use is come. (I am paraphrasing here because I can't remember exactly word for word.) But anyways, that's all it took to get me thinking even more about what this last year has brought me and I was teary-eyed the whole time. Then we stood up to sing a worship song and I just lost it. I didn't try to fight it this time because I knew it was useless. Anthony just pulled me close and I buried my head in his chest and cried. I cried through the rest of the song, through closing prayer, and a little bit after everyone was leaving. The release was nice.

Gosh, I miss her so much.

After church we went to the cemetery. Kyndra played around and picked up leaves to give to everyone. Not long before we were getting ready to leave I knelt before Carleigh's stone and I just rested my hand on the face of it by her name. My mother-in-law was behind me and asked something along the lines of "has today been a bad day?" And I told her, "No different than any other day." Which in all honesty is the truth. Every day I think of her just the same, it's just today I didn't hold back my tears. Most people see the happy and smiling Holly but I'm also hurting underneath. But I'm also not sad, sopping mess either. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just miss her.

My mother-in-law said something else but I wasn't paying attention and then I heard her ask, "Do you think having another baby will make things better?" I tell her, "No, it won't." And it really won't. No baby we ever have in the future will ever replace Carleigh or make this hurt go away. We'll always miss her and there will always be a part of our family missing.

~~~~~

Just wanted to say you might not see me around much this week since we have Hannah this week. I may read but not comment, or maybe I will. You never know.

41 comments:

Jill said...

I think every so often we need to release the tears and let them flow. Thinking of you. xoxo

Lisette M Delgado said...

Sorry you are having a day like this one. I wish I could be there to give you a big giant hug! If your feel the need to cry, let it out even if it's out in public. People say things without thinking and they don't understand the pain we feel. Carleigh will never be able to be replaced. I hope you have a better week, it is going to be extra hard with Thanksgiving and all. Take care!

Emily said...

Today was a difficult day here, too. And it all started in church. We did our Harvest Offering, which was very hard for me. And communion. And, at the end, we sang "blessed be your name". That song follows me everywhere, and always makes me emotional. It was the song I was singing along to as I drove to the hospital, not knowing that in a few short hours I would be delivering my daughter. A friend grabbed me after the service and asked how I was doing, and all I could say was "blessed beyond measure".

I don't even want to imagine walking this road without God.

I'm so glad you and yours enjoyed the cheesecakes! Thank you!

Malory said...

Its hard when we hold back so many tears & emotions day after day. No one can be that strong every single day & we shouldn't. The emotions build & build & they need to come out. I find my breakdowns more spread out now but I wonder...will they ever end? I am glad you had yourself a good HEALTHY release. I have not been back to church yet myself.

AKD said...

I think it's kind of like we have this dam on our emotions, which sometimes break through. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard day, Holly.

Courtney said...

I remember when I broke down in public. Thankfully I was with Jason and my family, we all just held each other and everyone just stared at us. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it looked from the outside.

*many hugs* my dear.

Lucy and Ethel said...

I agree; it's hard to keep the 'okay-enough' facade up because no one ELSE wants to see the tears, which never run out.

One reason today might have been harder, besides the fact that sometimes we just need to release the pent-up emotions (which makes ME feel better, anyway), is that it's the first batch of these holidays for you... starting with the one of thanksgiving.

Are you thankful for Carleigh? Of course. Do you wish things had turned out differently? Of course. Is it of significant comfort that Carleigh is safe in the perfect place? You bet. But it doesn't mean you're HAPPY about it... just that you're willing to look at the 'bright' side, so to speak, since you can't do a thing about the outcome.

Just remember you'll have the need to release/regroup/whatever on occasion from now on. Time does help immensely, but there is no way you could forget Carleigh even if you wanted to. And you don't want to, which means you'll need to allow yourself to release and regroup as many times as you need. For a long, long time. Probably forever.

After 12 years, I still need to do that, just not nearly as often as before.

Many hugs and prayers for the upcoming holidays. Remind yourself that Carleigh is right there :)

'Lucy'

Once A Mother said...

Oh Holly, I can relate. Church is the toughest for me emotionally. All that silent reflection just brings the tears. Thinking of you and hoping you have a pleasant holiday. I know it will be a hard one without your sweet Carleigh.

Bree said...

I so wish Carleigh were here (physically) for Thanksgiving. I'm so sorry she isn't. I know there isn't anything in the world that can take the place of our babies. I'm thinking of you and sending lots of love.

Emily is killing me with her cheesecakes. They look amazing. I wish I lived in Ohio.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Jill is right about letting the release come and the tears flow...sometimes they just do, and that's what we need for that moment. It can be cleansing, and it's just part of the missing. (Church was always a soft spot for me, too...and still is, sometimes.)

Of course you ache for your sweet girl...I could feel the ache of your heart in this post. Praying and sending much love, dear friend...May you be able to just crawl into His lap and rest your weary heart, and when necessary, let your tears flow. He will comfort you, as you well know...

Love you,
Kelly

Michelle said...

Sometimes I think we hold everything in for so long that our heart just can't take it. We burst at the seams and the tears flow and this is okay. We need this release.

I find church much more emotional for me since our son passed away. I feel the closest to our son when we are at church...more than any other place. The first time we went back to church after he passed away I cried in church and just couldn't stop. I had tear marks all over my shirt. I still cry now when we go, it all depends on the readings for the week.

My Very Own Angel said...

I always cry in church, I think it's the best place to cry. I also get emotional during praise n worship.ANd you're right we should not have to be a daily mess to remind people that we miss our babys

-stephanie

Jacie said...

Stay strong Holly :) Thinking of you girl. Ive been having bad days here lately myself.I hope you have a good Thanksgiving.xoxo

Lynnette Kraft said...

Ah, bless your heart. I'm sorry that you had an emotional day - but you know, it is good to do that - it's part of healing.

Here's a hug for you {{{{{{Holly}}}}}}

Love,
Lynnette

Just Breathe said...

I think that a good cry at church is important. You were in God's house, what a wonderful place to be. ((HUGS)) Have a nice week with Hannah and the family.

Heather said...

Crying can be so healing. I understand what you mean about how people can't see below the surface. To the average onlooker, I also appear ok. If only they could see our hearts. It has totally changed the way I view other people as well. I'm always wondering what they are going through that isn't obvious to me or others...

Sending you many hugs!

Jus and Kat said...

Hugs Holly! I've lost it in church so many times, too. Sometimes when we're singing, sometimes during a reading or prayer, sometimes when I just transport myself back to sitting there for Dylan memorial. It's tough, but like you said, it's tough everyday. I just don't cry every day. :) Kat

Kate said...

I am so glad you let it out! You need to! I still have a hard time going to church back in OH, even though that's where Eric and I got married, that's where Andy's funeral was, and I have to look at that spot the whole time we are there. I am really proud of you for being able to open up and let God heal you a little bit more! Love you!

April said...

hugs for you holly

♥ Ali ♥ said...

Beautiful post, made me cry. My heart is with you. I know your pain.. I am not one to be speechless, but I am at a loss of words..

The Blue Sparrow said...

Holly, the second I read the part about what the sermon was on that it made me think of a very specific song that I think you were meant to hear. Go to you tube and type in Kari Jobe Come to me. It is so haunting. Another one of hers that I cant stop listening to is called the more I seek you. Check them out I think they are calling out to you. *HUGS*

Mom Putnam said...

Until we are on the "other side", it will always be rough through the journey. I am so sorry you had a rough day at church and yes it can be the hardest place to be sometimes but can also be the most rewarding because Jesus is waiting there for us to comfort us and give us the soft place to fall (right before him). Cry whenever you feel the need to regardless where you are or what you are doing it is healing for you my dear daughter. I love you--Mom

croleyc69 said...

I think of you so often and I'm glad you let it out. I cry so easy and I always cry st church. I always feel a sense of closeness in God's House. Everyone handles things differently but it's not good to keep things inside. I'm praying for you. Stay strong and take care.
Enjoy your time with Hannah :)
Caroline

Jess said...

Some days we just have to let it all out. Today was actually one of those days for me too, as I was sorting and reorganizing all the bins in our basement and came across Eliana's two bins of clothes I just couldn't hold back the tears. No matter how much time passes, we will always miss our babies so desperately.

Tim said...

Sounds like it was a good message.

It was so nice to be back here to Carleigh's blog. You know how much you ALL mean to us, and we have missed you dearly during our blogging break.

I had a smile on my face from the time the site opened, and I still have it now. :)

We love you guys so much.

Love and Prayers,

Tim & Carey

PJ Pumphrey said...

We also had a very emotional sermon yesterday. at the end of ours, our pastor called on a few different people to give their testimony. The last person was someone very dear to me, who lost her twin girls, named Emma and Tracey. They were born 2 weeks apart, and both were born still. She gave a great testimony, and when she was telling it, I broke down. It was one of the greatest testimonies I have ever heard! Thinking of you! Love you girly!!

PJ

stitchndeb said...

I'm sorry you had such an emotional day. Carleigh loves you and it's okay to miss her. {{{hugs}}} ~Debbie

Danielle said...

Let me just say I'm impressed that this was your first public breakdown! I don't like crying where people can see me but I've still had a handful of times where I just couldn't control myself.

I'm sorry you today was a tough day. It feels nice to be able to cry sometimes though. And of course Carleigh will never be replaced with another baby... some people say that craziest things...

Hoping you enjoy your time with Hannah while she's visiting. Have fun and Happy Early Thanksgiving :)

Elizabeth said...

Some days all you can do is let the tears flow. We go through every day with a smile on our faces when sometimes all we want to do is cry. We think of our precious angels everyday and we miss them more and more. I did have a child right after my baby passed away and I can tell you that no child can replace another. *hugs*

Missing Kasey said...

many hugs and you need to let them flow. Sometimes is when people are around that have a hard time dealing. Thinking of you and sweet Carleigh. May she bring you extra love from the angels this week.

Yaya said...

:(
this brought a tear to my eyes.
(((hugs)))

The McDaniel 3 said...

I can't come close nor will I even say I fully understand. "sorry" doesn't even come close to what I want to say to you but that is the only word that comes to mind. Im sorry that you have had to go through this Holly, you are such a brave woman of God and a true inspiration to me. Thank you....

Betty said...

It always helps me to get some tears out. I am so glad you have a husband like Anthony to hold you through those moments. No one can ever replace your precious baby girl.

Nikki1506 said...

Holly--I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I am one of the moms from CM that followed your blog from the beginning...I was in your April group. I have no idea what your going through...I cna only imagine...and even imagining brings tears to my eyes. You are so strong...even though you are broken and sad underneath the fact that you can hold yourself together when says so much. Carleigh will never be replaced...she is special and beautiful. It is healthy to let it all out and just let the tears flow. I think about you often, Holly...you and Carleigh are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Nicole said...

Im glad that you let yourself cry at church, and did not fight it. Im sure there are many times when you do act like Happy Holly and hold back your tears. Its ok to cry: Jesus wept too, and He understands your pain and loss more than anyone else in this world.

I know these days are hard, but I hope that you can find some measure of comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your sadness.

Kristen said...

My heart aches for you, Holly! I don't know what you and your family are going through - but we are told to bear one another's burdens in Galatians 6:2, and my heart is aching for you right now.

I am sending a lot of hugs your way.

{HUG!}

Love,
Kristen

Akul's mama said...

I constantly cry in public.

Veronica said...

Holly...I'll be thinking about you and hoping that you're able to get through the next few days!

Cecilia said...

Church is more emotional for me too. I think it's the vulnerability. For hubby and I, this season has brought more emotions to the surface as well.

You always speak to my heart, girlie! I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving.

Khanh said...

Oh Holly, my eyes are teary reading these lines. Yes it's something we'll have to live with forever. It can be very difficult at times especially with those sermon that's so close to your heart.

Stuart and Tashia Uken said...

My name is Tashia and I am from Iowa. I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost 5 years. We have an almost 3 year old daughter, 2 boys in heaven, and 2 babies in heaven due to miscarriage. We are in the process of adopting right now. God has blessed our family. I am thankful that Jesus died on the Cross for you, me and my kids. I am also thankful for my family. I pray for your family often.

Post a Comment

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

Thank you for leaving a comment! I love receiving them and I read each and every one!

Remembrance Jewelry, Memorial Keepsakes
My Forever Child - Remembrance Jewelry, Memorial Keepsakes, Sympathy and Decorative Gifts to comfort those touched by the loss of a Child. Personalized, Engraved & Handcrafted Miscarriage-Pregnancy Loss Bracelets, Baby-Infant Footprints Charms, Custom Necklace Pendants with your child's Footprint, Handprint image or photograph.