When a moment hits you out of nowhere

Any of us who have lost a child knows that the grief of this loss stays with you forever. As time passes the waves of grief don’t crash as often but they still happen. One of those waves hit me yesterday and I totally wasn’t expecting it. My friend Jen shared a video on her blog. It’s a song by Daughtry and it’s one I hadn’t heard before. I was totally unprepared for this song and the effect it had on me.

 

While listening to the song I just started sobbing. The words pulled at my heart. I haven’t cried like that since having to hand my daughter over to the funeral director almost 3 years ago. Cries just welled up and my body was shaking. It wasn’t pretty but it felt good. People may wonder how it could possibly feel good but grief can well up inside you over time and releasing it can be both draining and refreshing. I think I needed that.

 

I’m sharing with you the song but I warn you that it will prolly make you cry. It still makes me cry. It’s moving and it’s so, so true. It makes me realize how much I really do miss her and how much I missed out on. I’m missing an entire lifetime. In the day to day busyness of life I sometimes forget that.

 

My first public breakdown

The weekend was mostly great. On Friday afternoon I left work early to see New Moon with my bff, which was awesome and totally made my day. After the movie I picked up Kyndra from the sitter and we went home so that I could gather our things to make the trip back to the northern region. I took a different way there so that I could pick up a couple of cheesecakes Emily (Leila's mommy) made for me. Emily, your cheesecakes are divine. Simply fabulous!! And I somehow managed to lose the raspberry topping from meeting you (which was so nice but wish it could've been longer) to getting to my parent's house. Don't know how that happened but it did. :(

Saturday we had a family Thanksgiving, which a few on my dad's side came to. It was nice and I even did fine with the two little baby girls there, one my niece and one my cousin. I seem to do ok with babies that belong to my friends and family. I avoid strangers' babies as much as I can. I prolly could handle it but I'd rather not find out at this point in time.

I brought out some of Carleigh's pictures to look at. I talked to my Aunt Sherry some and that was nice. She lost her son Brett, my cousin, 19 years ago to a heart condition. I remember it happening but I was just a child and it didn't affect me as much as it does now. She certainly knows this road I walk and she's even said you live with it forever and I don't doubt it one bit. She wrote me a letter that is tucked in Carleigh's little box of letters and cards in her memory chest. I'll have to get it out and read it again.

Anthony picked up my step-daughter Hannah on Saturday and she is with us for the week and his parents are with us until Monday. We all went to church this morning. Church has always been an emotional place for me since Carleigh died. I've always been able to keep myself together and not cry but today I couldn't help it. Pastor Lisa gave the sermon today and it was based upon Matthew 11:28-30 which states: Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

She asked us to look back on the past year and to think of just one word to describe it. One word? How could I possible come up with one word to describe all of what I have been through and all that I have felt? Pastor Lisa said that the one word Jesus would use is come. (I am paraphrasing here because I can't remember exactly word for word.) But anyways, that's all it took to get me thinking even more about what this last year has brought me and I was teary-eyed the whole time. Then we stood up to sing a worship song and I just lost it. I didn't try to fight it this time because I knew it was useless. Anthony just pulled me close and I buried my head in his chest and cried. I cried through the rest of the song, through closing prayer, and a little bit after everyone was leaving. The release was nice.

Gosh, I miss her so much.

After church we went to the cemetery. Kyndra played around and picked up leaves to give to everyone. Not long before we were getting ready to leave I knelt before Carleigh's stone and I just rested my hand on the face of it by her name. My mother-in-law was behind me and asked something along the lines of "has today been a bad day?" And I told her, "No different than any other day." Which in all honesty is the truth. Every day I think of her just the same, it's just today I didn't hold back my tears. Most people see the happy and smiling Holly but I'm also hurting underneath. But I'm also not sad, sopping mess either. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just miss her.

My mother-in-law said something else but I wasn't paying attention and then I heard her ask, "Do you think having another baby will make things better?" I tell her, "No, it won't." And it really won't. No baby we ever have in the future will ever replace Carleigh or make this hurt go away. We'll always miss her and there will always be a part of our family missing.

~~~~~

Just wanted to say you might not see me around much this week since we have Hannah this week. I may read but not comment, or maybe I will. You never know.