Tuesday, November 17, 2009

One More Day

Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow wrote a post about being able to spend one more day with your baby. Her post really moved me and she encouraged her readers to write their own post.

So what if God granted me one more day with Carleigh? This is what I imagine...

It is the weekend and I wake up seeing that it is daylight. I don't hear Kyndra so she still must be sleeping. I love sleeping in on the weekend so I snuggle in deeper in my bed intent on getting a few more minutes of shut-eye.

Out of nowhere I hear, "Holly, it's time to get up."

I sit upright, not sure what I am hearing.

"It's time to get up, my child."

I instantly know it is God talking to me. I am filled with so many emotions. Joy, peace, fear. What could God what with me?

Knowing what I am wondering He replies to me, "She's here."

I don't have to question what He means. I know. I bolt out of bed and into the living room.

There she is. Sitting on the couch. She appears to be Kyndra's age and God reassures me that He has sent her to me as such but that I only have today and then she is gone.

I fall to my knees and start crying. Once the shock quickly wears off I go to her. I pick her up in my arms and I hug her like I've never hugged anyone before. She hugs me back.

"I've missed you so much. I love you."

I take a moment away from my hug to look at her. She looks so much like her sister it's startling. I give her kisses on her chubby cheeks and run my fingers through her blonde hair as I breathe in her scent. She's perfect. Then she says the most beautiful word I have every heard.

"Momma."

I can't stop the tears now as the moment is everything I have ever wanted. I yell for Anthony but he is slow to wake as he always is. I yell for him again and sensing the urgency in my voice he gets out of bed. He sees that I am holding our daughter but he is puzzled because she looks like Kyndra but it clearly isn't her.

"Who is that?"

"It's Carleigh," I say.

He believes me as God has laid it upon His heart of what today means for us. Overcome with emotion, he embraces us. At that moment, we hear Kyndra stirring upstairs in her room. We both are so excited for our daughters to meet. We go upstairs and Kyndra is standing in her crib. She sees us and is so excited. She spots her sister. I tell her, "It's Carleigh, sweetie."

"Cahr-kee."

"That's right, sweetie. Carleigh, can you say Kyndra?"

"Kin-ah."

The joy is almost too much to take.

We take the girls downstairs to the living room and we make them a breakfast of pancakes. They gobble down daddy's pancakes in record time. Of course, they are both a sticky mess which means a bath is quite necessary. The girls have so much fun in the tub. A couple of water rats. I make sure to give them lots of bubbles. They giggle and squirm as I give them old men beards and bikini tops made out of bubbles.

I make sure to dress the girls in similar outfits like I always planned to do. We don't plan to go anywhere for the day. We know that home is where we want to be. So we play with the girls all morning and cuddle with them as we watch Dora and Diego. Kyndra and Carleigh play together as best friends would and babble away at each other in a language only they seem to understand. They could pass for twins.

After a lunch of mostly crunchies, the girls are tired so we all take a nap together in mommy and daddy's bed. But not until after a pre-nap wrestling fest full of tickle monsters and raspberries and squeals of delight. We finally settle in under the covers when the girls start to rub their red eyes. I make sure that as I fall asleep that I am touching both of my girls.

I wake up first and see my sleeping girls who look like little angels. I leave a kiss on each of their foreheads which ends up waking them up. We decide to take the girls outside to play on the playset. The girls have so much fun playing on the slide and swinging. Their laughter makes the air sweeter. I can almost taste it. God gave us a beautiful day to enjoy with our girls.

We spend several hours outside but then the air starts to get a chill so we go inside and let the girls have another bubble bath as daddy prepares supper. We have french fries and chicken tenders-the staple to every toddler's diet. Carleigh enjoys the french fries as much as Kyndra. The evening passes quickly as we spend more time with our girls. As the light fades from the day I know that it will soon be time to let my little girl go. I don't want to do it but I know I have to. We get our pajamas on and put the girls in bed with us. We give them goodnight kisses and tell them how much we love them.

I feel the embrace of Carleigh's arms and the kiss of her little lips for the last time on this earth. I can't help but cry because I want more time. One day is never enough but I am grateful still. So I cry myself to sleep with my two most precious gifts wrapped in my arms, knowing that this will be the last time I will ever be this happy this side of Heaven.

27 comments:

charlene said...

this was very sweet to read. we lost a baby girl at 5mths preg and one of our twins at 4mths (the brother survived) to have just one day with them would be amazing. to have just one day to see what they look like, to see their personality. to see what twins would have been like, i have wanted them my whole life and almost got to experience that.
thank you for posting.

MommyIvy said...

That was beautiful Holly. I often sit back and wonder what is would be like to have a day with the baby/babies we have lost.

April said...

oh goodness, Holly. What a sweet day, I know this probably didn't take you long to imagine fully, it probably has played through your head over and over these past 6 months. I know I would have to hold my baby that whole entire day, but at the same time - I would have my child to experience the gifts of creation that God has given us to enjoy here on earth as well. beautifully written :)

thanks for you comment on my post - he did eat ANY of his dinner tonight either :( Hope it is a phase and I am glad to here I am not alone

Christina said...

After reading this.....I had an idea. What if you wrote a "fiction" book..... about a little girl's adventures. Sort of like you are living Carleigh's life vicariously through your book.

That could be very healing & FUN!

Once A Mother said...

Beautiful and heartbreaking all at once. If only we could have that one more day. Thank you for sharing this beautiful day with us all.

Emily said...

Crying! This is so sweet! And Christina's on to something there...

Just Breathe said...

Holly, that would be a beautiful day. Oh how I wish you could have it.

Bree said...

What a beautiful day! I felt like I was there watching all four of you. I wish there was a way to make this happen for all of us mamas.

Heather said...

This is a beautiful post. I only wish I could make it happen for you. Just remember one day we will get to spend day after day after day with our sweet babies!

Heather said...

This is a beautiful post. I only wish I could make it happen for you. Just remember one day we will get to spend day after day after day with our sweet babies!

Tina said...

I am sitting here in tears reading your beautiful post. I wish God would grant us all one day with our babies. I cannot even fathom what I would do with my girls except hold them and kiss them all day long. Thanks for sharing this!! xx

Courtney said...

Oh Holly ... be still my heart. This was amazing to read.

*hugs*

Akul's mama said...

So beautiful Holly...I ache to hear the word "mama" from Akul's lips.

croleyc69 said...

What a great post and I'm so in tears. I have often thought if I had just one day to have all my children together in a room. Oh the joy that would be. Thanx for sharing this.
{{{HUGS}}}
Caroline

Mom Putnam said...

Oh my dear daughter, As I read this I started crying with you and for you, I can imagine it too and it broke me AGAIN. It just shows me that with the feelings and emotions I have are nothing to what you have endured and I ache for you always. As a mother yourself you know how I feel when I say I just want to fix things for you but cant. I can even begin to ever imagine how you feel when my heart can only be alittle broken compared to yours. I love you

AKD said...

Holly, that was just so beautiful and lovely - what a wonderful tribute to Carleigh.

Jen said...

Holly~
what a beautiful post.. i read it too and have been thinking about what we would be doing..how it would be..to have her here and have her healthy.. maybe later I will share too!

Missing Kasey said...

What a beautiful day!

Stacy D said...

This was so beautiful... what any of us wouldn't give for one more day.

And on that note I highly recommend Mitch Albom's book "For One More Day".

~ Stacy

Kristy said...

It hurts too much to think of one more hour, one more day with my baby boys. I would give anything though to turn back time and be with them again. I can't imagine what they would be doing, or their personalities because it just stings too much. It makes me cry and it smacks me in the face to what reality really is. I hate feeling like this, I wish I could dream again, dream about them. I wish it didn't hurt. I wish they were here with me.

Thank you for sharing your day with Carleigh...beautiful.

Lots of *hugs*

Lea said...

Oh my gosh, Holly. Just tears right now. What a truly wonderful and peaceful day. Thank you so much for sharing.

xo

♥ Ali ♥ said...

That was beautiful, Holly; you have me blubbering like a baby!!!!!! I wanted to write one of these, but I know that one day would just not be enough.. =(

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

So beautiful...what a sweet, tender description of what would be one of the greatest gifts...a perfect day with your little ones.

Someday, we will hold them in our arms again...and when that day comes...we will never have to say good-bye...the joy will never end...someday...

Jennifer Ross said...

I felt like I was there with you. What a beautiful day you would have with Carleigh.

If I get time, I will write up a post on this too..... If I get time....LOL :)

The Blue Sparrow said...

Holly this was so good! I loved your take on the day! I especially like the line, "Their laughter makes the air sweeter. I can almost taste it." That is how I imagine it too. I will be doing the drawing sometime this weekend so check back to see if you won. Thats funny that one of your comments said to write a book on it bc Ive been thinking of turning this into a book myself. I wanted to see if anyone was even interesed in the idea and Im so glad that people are! Thank you for posting this, it was so good! HUGS!

Veronica said...

Holly, I'm sorry I hadn't been to read this post yet. I almost can't see the computer screen right now for the tears streaming down my face. What a beautiful story of an awesome day. You have made me want to scoop up my girls out of their beds and love on them as hard as I can.

I know the day you'll get to see both of your girls in heaven will be a joyous day! Sending hugs your way...

Kristen said...

This is beautiful.

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