Saturday, November 28, 2009

8 months

It's been 8 months today.

It was a good day. After work I went and visited Carleigh. The air was crisp because of a slight breeze but the sun was shining so there was still warmth. It had rained recently so I cleaned off water from her stone. Her fall flowers and pumpkin are both looking great still. I didn't say anything while I visited. I didn't feel a need to. I picked at the stone a little and a piece of it came off. I then tried to crumble it into tiny pieces but didn't get very far.

The grass on Carleigh's grave where they dug up is different from the surrounding grass. It's greener and softer and new. Eventually the rough grass will overtake it and I won't like that much. So I decided to savor this new grass and I laid down on it for a little bit and closed my eyes. I felt the cool air blowing but also the sun warming me. I liked the warmth. I wanted to just take a nap there, but I needed to get home to Kyndra.

Later this evening I looked out the kitchen window and was met by a beautiful sunset. We don't get very many breathtaking sunsets in SW Ohio. It's not like living on a beach with the ocean waves crashing and the smell of salt water in your nose as you watch the sun create spectacular hues, like a painting in the sky. Nothing like that, but tonight it was pretty good. (Sunsets always seem better on a beach, at least to me they do.) As I looked out the window, I noticed the darker blue sky fade into a lighter blue. The light blue faded into a peach that faded into a burnt orange. Not a cloud in the sky either.

I had to step outside to see it better. As soon as I went outside on my front porch I was greeted by the sunset and a single little star in the sky staring straight at me. I thought of Carleigh and it seems like this was a gift to me. It was a lovely way to end my day. A simple song came to my head. I sang it often as a child.

God is so good, God is so good,
God is so good, He’s so good to me!

He cares for me, He cares for me,
He cares for me, He’s so good to me!

I love Him so, I love Him so,
I love Him so, He’s so good to me!

I praise His Name, I praise His Name,
I praise His Name, He’s so good to me!

Thank you Caroline, Sherry, and Sarita for sending me messages. Thank you to everyone who thought of my daughter today or said a prayer. I always appreciate it so much.

~~~~~

My sweet Carleigh,

Today you would've been 8 months old. Can you believe that? You've been in Heaven for 8 months! I bet it feels like you just got there.

Mommy has been doing pretty good here without you. Most days I do just fine and I smile happily as I remember you. There are days though when my heart aches because I miss you so much. I expect that. How could I not miss you? You are my perfect, beautiful daughter. So very loved.

You know your mommy likes to be a know-it-all so the hard part of this journey is it being so unpredictable. I don't know what each day will bring me. Will something remind me of you and make me want to cry? Will a conversation take an uncomfortable turn? Will my feelings get hurt? Will I remember you fondly and smile at the memories?

We just had Thanksgiving without you here. We have lots to be thankful for. You are one of the reasons. You are a blessing from God. A gift we could not keep.

Daddy took a picture on Thanksgiving of me and your sister as she napped. It is so sweet.

Kinda reminds me of a picture taken just 8 months ago.....

A mother gazing adoringly at both her baby girls. Love you and miss you, my little star.

Always thinking of you,
Mommy

26 comments:

croleyc69 said...

Such a beautiful post. Carleigh and you are always on my mind. You both have touched a special place in my heart. I pray for you daily and your family so much. I'm so glad you had a good day and a good visit.
Prayers and ((HUGS)) always.
Caroline

Akul's mama said...

Your letter to Carleigh is beautiful. Our children have brought us so much joy and their departure so much grief. Hugsss

Just Breathe said...

This is so beautiful. Love your letter to Carleigh. It's nice that your day went pretty well. ((HUGS))

Emily said...

Your pictures are so beautiful, Holly. We still pray for you every time we hear "the song". Love you!

Elizabeth said...

Beautiful pictures. Your babies are soooo precious. My prayers are with you. *hugs*

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

What a beautiful letter and such beautiful pictures of you with your sweet girls.

Love and Prayers to you, sweet Holly...

Joye @ The Joyeful Journey said...

This is beautiful, Carleigh. Such adoring words for your daughter. You hold her so close in your heart and I know you look forward to the day you'll get to hold her forever.

AKD said...

Oh, Holly, that's just so lovely. I still have tears in my eyes - you're such an amazing mother and woman. God bless.

April said...

I know you enjoyed your quite time with Carleigh at the cemetary, God gives you those moments of peace to be with Carleigh without distraction.

I was on the computer yesterday except for late last night, thought of you.

Jill said...

What a sweet letter to Carleigh. The pictures are beautiful!

Malory said...

Thinking of you & your family as you go through yet another milestone. You are a tad bit farther on this road then we are. I also enjoy my time at Janessa's grave. Feeling that warmth you described...I feel that often there. I too believe that sunset was a gift to you.

stitchndeb said...

Even before I scrolled down for the second picture, your & Kyndra's picture reminded me already of that one of you and Carleigh!! I love how you described the sunset. It really blesses me in my own life to read what you write to Carleigh and how much you love her. ~Debbie

Almost a Mother said...

A beautiful, beautiful post. Your posts seem to humble me and remind me to bring myself back to the goal-remembering my sweet babies with honor instead of letting the anger at everything win! Thank you.
I'm so sorry it has been 8 long and short months without your sweet Carleigh. She was so lucky to have you for a mom.

Mary said...

Oh, Holly, your words today, to your daughter are so beautiful. You are right, the gaze, the love of your daughters, it is the same. It doesn't matter where they are, you never stop being a Mom, you never stop loving them.

Missing Kasey said...

Beautiful! So glad that you had a good day and that as the sun set Carleigh reminded you that she is your shining star! ((hugs))

Betty said...

my thoughts and prayers are with you. I think your letter is just beautiful.

The Blue Sparrow said...

I love this post and the fact that your little angel sent you a shining star. Your letter is beatiful! Thinking of you! *HUGS*

Christie said...

Isn't amazing to see the hand of God and be reminded of his love for us? I saw a Rainbow yesterday and I just had to smile.

Beautiful photos of your precious girls.

Franchesca Cox said...

Happy 8 months, Carleigh! What a beautiful gift, to end your day with a gorgeous sunset. :)

xo

Mom Putnam said...

Thoughts and Lots of Love your way.

Lea said...

What a gorgeous post, Holly.

Thinking of you and your shining star.

Love the photos.... precious.

Kristy said...

Thinking of you, and wishing more then anything that you were blogging about Carleighs accomplishments. Many many *hugs*

Mary said...

I love the picture of you holding your daughters. So precious. :o)

Once A Mother said...

Remembering your sweet Carleigh with you on her 8 month birthday. It sounds to me like she was right there with you all day, finding ways to comfort you with the beautiful sunset, the soft grass, the gentle breeze. She finds so many ways to show her mommy her love.

Kate said...

Love you!

Andrea said...

Thinking of you today and always as you remember Carleigh. I do believe that little shining star you saw was her halo radiant and bright.

I only wish I could somehow erase the intense pain you feel. You are a beautiful person and such an inspiration to me, taking time to post on my blog and offer kind words..thank you :)

love and hugs today and always
andrea

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