Thursday, November 26, 2009

First Thanksgiving without her

Well, I have made it through my first Thanksgiving without Carleigh. Last Thanksgiving I was almost halfway through my pregnancy and we hadn't found out yet she wouldn't live. What a difference a year makes.

Our Thanksgiving was good. We went up to the northern region Wednesday night and spent today with Anthony's family. We stayed at his parent's house for a couple hours and then went and visited his grandma and grandpa before making the trek back home.

I wore my Carleigh necklace. I guess that's the closest I can get to her actually being there.

I thought of her the most on the ride home. I told Anthony, "Happy Thanksgiving" and I patted him on the shoulder. I must have been smiling weird because he said "What?" in a certain tone that made it sound like I was up to something.

"Can't I wish you a happy thanksgiving?"
"Yeah, happy thanksgiving. It was pretty happy."
"It would've been happier if Carleigh was here."

And then we just held hands as we listened to Switchfoot's new song Always on KLOVE.

I'm thankful for a lot of things this year. I can think of many in regards to Carleigh and our journey with her.

I am thankful for God's preparation of me for this journey.
I am thankful for knowing ahead of time that Carleigh wouldn't live.
I am thankful for the family vacation we had just days after the diagnosis.
I am thankful for starting this blog to chronicle our journey.
I am thankful for the kindness of our funeral home.
I am thankful for the generosity that family, friends, and strangers showed us in gifts, cards, and so much more.
I am thankful for being able to have maternity photos done for free.
I am thankful for my coworkers collecting money for my 3D/4D ultrasound.
I am thankful for our prayer shower and to those who came.
I am thankful for the friends who helped me create a belly cast.
I am thankful for the wonderful nurses who took care of me when I was in the hospital.
I am thankful for Ashley spending all day and night with us taking pictures as I labored and delivered Carleigh.
I am thankful for NILMDTS.
I am thankful for being able to spend the night with my daughter by my side.
I am thankful for being able to leave the hospital with my daughter in my arms.
I am thankful for my Aunt Becky and Uncle Buck for all they have done.
I am thankful for the support of our pastor.
I am thankful for our parents who wanted to pay for Carleigh's funeral and burial.
I am thankful for the many who came to Carleigh's visitation and funeral to support us.
I am thankful for holding my daughter as much as I could.
I am thankful for God's provision and His love.
I am thankful for her.

I'm sure I left some things out, but the point is..... I have a lot to be thankful for.


Mom Putnam said...

I am SURE it was rough for you and yes, what a difference a year can make. You (we) have ALOT to be thankful for. Inspite of all the family has been through this 2009 there is one thing that has been strong and true.OUR LORD BY YOUR (OUR) side. He has never waivered in his love for each and every one of us, and he is forever faithful carrying us through. Love you very much my dear daughter.

Kristy said...

I am glad you had a nice day. Carleigh was with you in spirit, and i'm sure thats what made you smile through the day. *hugs*

Bree said...

I wear my Ella necklace everywhere I go. It has her footprints on it and I just adore it. Rarely do people ask about it, but every once in a while it happens. Did you ever post your maternity photos here? I'd love to see them. I bet they are beautiful. I'm glad you made it through. :)

Anonymous said...


Kate said...

Carleigh will always be remembered in our family! Glad you had a "good" day. Love ya!

Franchesca Cox said...

There is so much to be thankful for. A year makes all the difference...

Elizabeth said...

The first holidays are the hardest. Though the pain of loss will never go away it will get easier and yes we all have much to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving! *hugs*

croleyc69 said...

I thought about you yesterday and many others. I prayed for you, to give you a good day. Thanksgiving is always tough for me cause I had my second miscarriage on Dec 1. I'm so thankful that you had a good Thanksgiving and {{HUGS}}

Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) I'm glad you have the necklace.

Akul's mama said...

You are so amazing. It is great that you and your husband were able to hold hands and grieve together. That is so comforting. Hugssss

My Very Own Angel said...

The holidays are tough, I was slightly lucky I guess, our only guest was my MIL. I'm so happy that you've never changed and you can still be humble and thankful even with the loss of Carleigh, you're an amazing mommy

Mary said...

I have found the holidays to be so mixed, just like you did, Holly. Gratefulness and joy, amidst a sorrow and heaviness that my sweet girl has to celebrate without me. I have a feeling it will be like that (and maybe stronger) at Christmas too. Glad we have Hope that others have to grieve without!

Brooks said...

Bless you my girl.

♥ Ali ♥ said...

I wear my Jayden necklace everyday, every has a small peice of his ashes in it; and I feel it protects me. people ask about the small silver star with JSC engraved on it all the time, and I am proud to say my son is dangling around my neck protecting me.

I am glad you got through it, and it was an overall nice day. Carleigh was smiling down at her beautiful family.

Once A Mother said...

Thank you for writing this post and in doing so for reminding me of some of the things I am thankful for. It is easy to forget the kindness others have offered during grief, when we are hurting so badly. thank you.

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