Illuminate ~ Week 3 ~ Perspective

I’m a day late posting for Illuminate week 3 but my family and I were gone for the Thanksgiving holiday and I didn’t get home until today. We went to our cabin in Michigan and spent 4 days there. It’s always nice to get away and spend time there.

This week’s assignment is about perspective-in our own lives and through our eyes. The photography part was about taking 100 steps and composing an image and the writing topic is about what we are grateful for.

I’d like to share my stepping journey first. I actually did all my pictures in one day since I spent the rest of my time enjoying my family for the holiday, but I did enjoy my time out alone snapping pictures. I took all of the pictures in the area around our cabin in Michigan but had different starting and ending points. I also edited all the photos in the same way with a more vintage feel because I just liked how it looked compared to the other way I edited the photos (with more softness and brightness, which was neat too but I favored the other-maybe it was a rustic cabin thing! lol).

I think you tend to appreciate the beauty in things more when you slow down and take a look around you. This assignment gave me the opportunity to do that. So often life is busy and I’m rushing around trying to get things done. You can miss so much if you just don’t stop and take in the moment. I think sometimes you have to make a conscious effort to do that because it can be so easy to say “oh, I’ll do it later” or “there’ll always be time for that”. Nobody knows how much time that they have so you have to make the most of it while you can. Cherish the moment while it is still here.

Our lives changed forever on December 15, 2008. Before that day I don’t think I really appreciated what a miracle it is to have a healthy baby. I knew things went wrong but those things happened to other people, not me. I never wanted my daughter to have anencephaly and I sure as heck never wanted her to die. However, I am so grateful that Carleigh is my daughter and if the only way to have her was to have her die then I accept it fully. I would rather have known her this way than to never have known her at all.

One of the things I am so grateful for is knowing ahead of time that she wasn’t going to live. This gave us time to prepare for what we wanted as far as her birth and her funeral. It also gave us the opportunity to make memories we would not have made otherwise. I never imagined it to be a blessing but it certainly was. Had her death been sudden, I would not have known what my rights were regarding the death of my child or the keepsakes that I could have to remember by. I would not have known how priceless pictures would come to be and I fear that I would have taken very few.

I am grateful for the many people who loved and supported us along the way. Family and friends stepped up but we also had the support and prayers of complete strangers. So many followed our journey and offered kind words and sympathy. I’m sure many who followed then do not follow now but I am grateful for every person who has gotten a glimpse of my daughter through my own words and pictures. I like to think a little part of her remains with every person whose life she has touched.

I could go on and on about the little things I am grateful for about our journey and about our daughter. (But I think if I did that this post would never get published!) The fact is I have become more grateful because of her. She opened my eyes as if I was blind before she came. Having your life changed dramatically hasn’t always been easy. Grief is now a chain I will carry all of my life, but I thank God that He helps me carry the chains. Without Him I would have grown weary very quickly but He has given me the strength to carry on without my baby girl. He has shown me that life without my daughter is still a life worth living. He has given me precious gifts to take care of and I believe I see their sister through them.

I’ll always be grateful for this road I have traveled. Of course, that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my “this is so unfair!” moments because I certainly have. (I’m sure I still have some more of them up my sleeve too.) At the end of the day though, I am glad she was a part of some of the steps of my life. Those are some of the most cherished moments I will ever have had the privilege to experience.

What I’m grateful for

I decided to take part in a writing link-up with The Dead Baby Club. I like linking up to stuff like this because it gives me the opportunity to sit and think and write about things on my grief journey. I don’t write like I used to simply because sometimes I feel like everything has already been said, but I know that’s not true. This journey is continually evolving. The topic for this link-up is about gratitude.

Gratitude. Since the loss of my child(ren) the one thing I am most grateful for is…..

I have found that I am a lot more grateful for healthy, living children than I ever was. I took it for granted. I mean, I realized things happened but I never figured it would happen to me. It’s always other people that stuff happens to. But then it became me and my world was shattered and changed forever. The innocence of pregnancy was no more and in crept the fear of losing another child. And it didn’t end with the end of the pregnancy. It continues as the child grows.

My husband thinks I am a little overboard at times with our rainbow baby. Like when I check on her breathing just 5 minutes after putting her down asleep or when we are driving and I check on her in her car seat to make sure she’s still breathing. I can’t help it. The death of my child has made me paranoid. I told him that just because it happened to us once doesn’t mean we are exempt from it happening again. There are no rules with this kind of thing.

More than ever I believe that every child who is born healthy and alive is a true miracle. I don’t take that miracle for granted like before.

I got a blog award!

Today I was given this award, The Lemonade Award, by Adrienne at Our Unexpected Journey! "This award is for those who show GREAT ATTITUDE and/or GRATITUDE!"

Adrienne nominated me because "Holly's blog is truly inspirational in that her attitude of what she is going through is amazing! Holly's unborn daughter Carleigh has been diagnosed with Anencephaly-this I copied from her blog: The prognosis for individuals with anencephaly is extremely poor. If the infant is not stillborn, then he or she will usually die within a few hours or days after birth. So most would terminate-let's just face it but Holly has amazing faith and love for God and she has chosen to not take it into her own hands and let God take over. So thank you Holly for letting us follow you on this difficult journey that you are taking- so many people will learn from it!"

Thank you Adrienne for nominating me for this award! I was so surprised by it but I am also grateful that you thought of me. Now it is my turn to nominate some great mommies! Here are the instructions... If you are given the award, then put the logo on your blog or post. Next, nominate at least 5-10 which show GREAT ATTITUDE and/or GRATITUDE! Be sure to link to your nominees within your post. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

So I nominate...

Tiffany from Emma's Story. Her daughter Emma was diagnosed with anencephaly at 20 weeks in September 2008. She was born still on January 15, 2009.

Shelley from Elisha Enrique Ramirez. Her son Elisha was diagnosed with anencephaly at 17 weeks on August 20, 2008. He was born January 13, 2009 and lived for 43 minutes.

Myah from The story of Faith Hope. Her daughter Faith was diagnosed with anencephaly at 19 weeks on September 12, 2008. She is currently 39 weeks pregnant with her little girl.

Celia from Noah Benjamin-Our Story. Her son Noah was diagnosed with anencephaly at 19 weeks on December 15, 2008. She is currently 26 weeks pregnant with her little boy.

Jessica from Consider the Lilies of the Field. Her daughter Lily was diagnosed with anencephaly at 13 weeks on July 3, 2008. She was born on December 12, 2008 and passed away December 17, 2008. She lived for 5 1/2 days.

PJ from Baby Seth's Story. Her son Seth was diagnosed with anencephaly at 18 weeks on December 10, 2008. She is currently 25 weeks pregnant with her little boy.

All of these mommas I have come to know and they are all so wonderful and friendly. We are all members of the group Anencephaly Blessings From Above. All these mommas have children with anencephaly, but each story and child is unique. Even though I have never met these mommas in person I feel a special bond with each one of them. Although the road is hard, these mommas have shown true love for their children and amazing strength. Thank you ladies! I hope that other families can learn from your journeys.