Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy ~ Chapters 8 & 9

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This is the last of the bible study! Thanks for those who participated or read!

Chapter 8 is about letting go.

What does it mean to let go? It is not the same as forgetting and it is not simply “getting on with your life”. Letting go means releasing your child into the hands of God. Letting go also means releasing your grief into the hands of God. Even if our babies had lived, God would ask us to let go of them. This letting go is gradual-the first steps, kindergarten, college, marriage. When a baby dies, the letting go must happen all at once and it must be a choice of our will. Emotionally we must choose to place this matter into the arms of our Father, knowing He wants to fill our empty places with Himself.

There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still. –Corrie Ten Boom

Are you “in the pit”? If so, what keeps you there?
I’ve never felt that I have been in a pit on my entire grief journey with Carleigh, but I certainly was with Jordan. I believe the above quote to be true. God is bigger and deeper than anything we could ever experience. He’s gotten me through every tough time in my life. He pulled me out of the pit and gave me hope. He healed my heart, and while there are still scars, I am glad they are there because they remind me of where I’ve been. It is only by Him that I am able to overcome.

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7

I rise before dawn and cry for help; I hope in your words. Psalm 119:147

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope. Psalm 130:5

What hope do we have that our children are in Heaven?
One verse that gives me a lot of hope is 2 Samuel 12:23. After David’s son dies he says, “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” This gives me hope that I will see my children again one day. I will go to them and we will be together forever.

How can we know that we are going to Heaven?
Jesus says in John 14:3 that He is going to prepare a place for us and will come back to take us. He says in verse 4 that we know the way and when Thomas questions him Jesus says in verse 6 that He is the way, and the truth, and the life. You must believe in your heart that Jesus was raised from the dead but you must also speak with your mouth that Jesus is Lord. (Romans 10:9)

What will our Heavenly body be like?
I have wondered before what people look like in Heaven. 1 Corinthians 15:40 says, “There are heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies, but the glory of the heavenly is of one kind, and the glory of the earthly is another.” I envision our heavenly bodies being similar to our earthly ones yet they are different. They are more magnificent and I always imagine them having a soft glow. But I know that I cannot even begin to imagine or fathom what it will be like in Heaven even though I try.

Will we recognize our children in Heaven?
I do believe that I will be able to recognize my children in Heaven. They’ll know me and I’ll know them. In Matthew 17:1-5, some of the disciples were able to recognize Moses and Elijah without ever having seen them before. I believe in Heaven we’ll have the knowledge of many things and one of them is knowing who everyone is.


Chapter 9 is about finding joy.

Joy is a feeling that follows a choice. Our joy comes not as a result of circumstances or events but by choosing to trust God no matter what our circumstances.

I really like what the above says. I do believe that a person can choose to have joy in their lives or choose to keep it out. No one ever guaranteed us life would be easy or fair. I think it speaks volumes how you choose to react to both blessings and trials in your life. You can find joy in both.

Trusting God may not come naturally to you and it can be difficult when times are tough. And can even be more difficult to praise Him thru the storm. One thing you must remember is that God will never disappoint you. He is beside you in each trial and carries your burdens. He weeps when you weeps and rejoices when you rejoice. He is very much involved in every detail of Your life.

In my own life, I trust God completely and with every aspect of my life. It hasn’t always been this way. The experiences that I have had have shown me exactly how good God really is and how much He loves me. And there are even times now when I falter and forget to put my trust completely in Him. I try to do things on my own, which don’t always work out the best for me.

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to results in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:6-9

I can definitely attest that faith is tested in trials. My own faith has grown so much and I know that it may not have been possible if I hadn’t experienced what I have. There is times tough that I wish there could have been a different way to learn what I have and to grow, but I must accept that I do not know what is best for me. I’ve done a pretty good job at messing up in my life. If I had trusted God to lead the way instead of taking my own path I would be much better off today. But I also find it hard to wish away the things that have taken place because of the growing that I have done. I regret but yet I don’t regret. Kind of a weird place to be!

Every day I find more things to be joyful over. The Lord has truly blessed me.

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! Psalm 126:5

Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy ~ Chapter 7

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

Chapter 7 was about acceptance.

“The final stage of grief is acceptance. Acceptance means facing the full reality of the loss of your child. It is not the absence of pain, but learning to live with the ongoing reminders of your loss.”

I believe that I am in the stage of grief now where I do accept what has happened and I am learning to live through it. I think there has been a part of me that has accepted this all along. Seems crazy, but it’s true. I remember the day we got Carleigh’s fatal diagnosis I accepted that this was the road that I was given, but there was still shock and devastation amongst that acceptance. I have no doubt that God was a big part of that.

But this road hasn’t been easy even with acceptance. Grief can weigh you down. You have days when you are happy and days when you just can’t seem to find much joy at all. I’ve relied on God a lot to get me through everything.

If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest. Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me. I am gentle and humble and you will find rest. This yoke is easy to bear and this burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

We are like clay jars in which this treasure is stored. The real power comes from God and not from us. We often suffer, but we are never crushed. Even when we don’t know what to do, we never give up. In times of trouble, God is with us, and when we are knocked down, we get up again. 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

I think these verses are very true. God can give us rest from the burdens that we carry. He never abandons us, even when we might think so. I am so thankful that God has been with me through this whole journey. I really don’t know how I could have made it through this without Him. Even around the 6 month mark when he felt far away, I still knew He was there. And looking back I’m glad I didn’t give up on Him, just like He didn’t give up on me. I think that Satan was testing my faith, just like Job in the Bible. He should’ve known he wasn’t going to win! There is nothing that can separate me from God. It even says so in one of my favorite verses in the Bible.

I am sure that nothing can separate us from God’s love-not life or death, not angels or spirits, not the present or the future, and not the powers above or the powers below. Nothing in all creation can separate us from God’s love for us in Christ Jesus our Lord! Romans 8:38-39

“Once you have experienced loss, you are never the same. After a period of intense grief, life must go on. It is then that you choose your attitude and response to your loss. You can look upon life as tough and grim or you can bear it willingly, as His child, sharing with Him only a fraction of what He bore for you.”

It is so true that once you have experienced loss you just aren’t the same. And how can you be? Losing a child is prolly the most devastating experience a person can go through. I personally believe this and I know there are others that feel the same way. Then why do people expect you to go back to the way you were? Is that even possible?

For myself, I am closer to the person I was before than I was just a year ago. It wasn’t a change that happened overnight but gradually as I started to find more joy in life again. I have no expectations to be the person I once was nor do I really want to be. This is me now and I have completely accepted her and I fully expect others to do the same. I believe I am a better person now that I was before. I know how to love deeper and appreciate things more. I have more compassion. These are just a few of the ways I’ve changed for the better. I honestly can’t think of even one way that losing Carleigh has changed me negatively. I feel like that would be like me saying something bad came from having Carleigh and that could never be true.

I tell you for certain that you will cry and be sad, but the world will be happy. You will be sad, but later you will be happy. When a woman is about to give birth, she is in great pain. But after it is all over, she forgets the pain and is happy, because she has brought a child into the world. You are now very sad. But later I will see you, and you will be so happy that no one will be able to change the way you feel. John 16:20-22

The verse above is one that I don’t remember reading before. Perhaps I have, but it never really stuck with me. Reading it now, though, it has a lot of meaning. I have cried and I have been sad when the world around me seemed so happy, and it didn’t seem right at all. It felt like everyone was going on with their merry little lives while I was stuck with this pain of losing my daughter. Do they even care? This verse gives assurance that the sadness won’t last forever. It is possible to be happy again, with the greatest of happiness being in Heaven with our Lord and children.

Sometimes in facing the future it can seem a little uncertain. How do I go on living without my child?

When confronted with painful memories what do you plan to do?

I don’t have very many painful memories. Most of my memories of my time with Carleigh are good ones. The most painful one that comes to mind was when we left the hospital and drove to the funeral home with Carleigh. Then handing her over to the funeral director and walking away. That was incredibly hard and the most difficult moment of my whole journey, but I’m still thankful for it even though it isn’t the most pleasant of memories because it is a memory of her. Some people don’t even get memories of their children like this.

How will you answer the question, “How many children do you have?”

It may not seem like it, but this can be a difficult question to answer. Our society seems like they want us to forget our dead children-that they don’t count. That certainly isn’t true! They count in every way possible! I know in my heart that I am a mother of 5, even though right now people only see 2. Even when you’re pregnant you’re a ‘mother-to-be’. What!? That doesn’t make sense to me at all. I became a mother to each of my child the moment they came into my lives. I’ve thought a lot on how to answer this question when asked, and I still haven’t come up with the perfect answer for me that would include all of my children. Most of the time my answer has been (before I was pregnant) that I have 3 girls. Then that leads into how old they are and ultimately reveals to whoever asked that one of my children is dead, which then makes things awkward for them.

How will you respond when you meet a child born at the time of your loss or one that would be the same age as your baby?

I actually follow a few blogs of moms I know from Cafemom that were in the same due date group as me and I often see pictures of their children. When I see their children, I try to picture what Carleigh would look like if she were that big. I wouldn’t say it is easy or difficult for me.

Who is presently supporting you in your loss?

I think that God is all the support that I will ever need. After all, He is the One that has gotten me through everything, but it is nice to be able to connect with other people through this. It means a lot for people to check in and ask how I am doing (and really mean it). And it’s no surprise to me that I have found more support online than I have IRL.

At what point will you be finished with your grieving?

That’s easy to answer! Never! I believe it is a lifelong process. It is more acute when the loss is fresh. As time passes and your heart heals, the grief isn’t as painful but it’s still there. How do I know this? Just talk to those who are 10, 20, or even 50 years on this road and they will tell you so. You never stop missing them or loving them.

Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy ~ Chapter 6

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

Chapter 6 touched on the topic of Depression and Parenting.

"After a period of intense depression there is, at some point, a determination of will to move on, whether or not our grief is resolved. Often we bury ourselves in activity-anything to keep our mind occupied. Unfortunately, our busyness does not rid us of our grief, and eventually we must quiet ourselves before God."

One thing I did initially after losing Carleigh was plan her service. I kinda threw myself into that to where I didn't have to think about things so much. I also worked on putting a scrapbook together for her. It made me feel better to focus on things that I was doing for her.

Being at home was a big comfort for me. I didn't feel like leaving the house much at all and I think that may have been difficult for others to understand. My home was my safe zone. When I was at home I didn't have to worry about people saying or doing the wrong things (mostly). I didn't have to worry about seeing pregnant women or babies. Even though I didn't venture out much, I kept myself busy. When I was off on maternity leave I spent a lot of time on the computer or taking care of Kyndra. I didn't really do much house work. I wasn't up to that. Once I went back to work I was even busier. People thought I was spending too much time on the computer but it helped me to cope so I didn't see anything wrong with it. I do think there have been times, however, when it being so busy kept me from feeling the full extent of my grief.

In Luke 10:38-42, it talks of Mary and Martha. One spent the evening working in the kitchen and the other at the Lord's feet. I know I am guilty of spending too much time "working in the kitchen" and not enough time with God. I've recognized this and I want it to change but it hasn't been easy. I've found it hard to navigate out of my daily routine that I've been set in. So that is still a work in progress. I'd like to spend less time on the computer and more time with my family. And I actually have been doing this. I am getting more quality time with Kyndra. I try to get as much done as I can when she is napping or snacking. It is hard to get quality time with Anthony because I can be so busy taking care of Kyndra.

My parenting has definitely changed since Carleigh. I don't sweat the small things anymore and some of my ways of thinking have changed. For example, I have always used the CIO method but I have found myself using it less. I'd much rather hold her than to hear her cry. And I doubt that I will use CIO with Lainey as much as I have used it with Kyndra.

Being pregnant with Lainey has been wonderful so far. I wasn't sure how it would be since it is my first pregnancy after losing Carleigh. There have been times where I have been nervous and afraid but God has given me a lot of comfort. I can truly say I am very excited for this little girl to finally be in our arms and I trust God for that to happen.

"Sometimes when we are in a crisis, we call out to God to rescue us, rather than trusting Him and His promises, despite the outcome. In this process, we may make promises to God hoping He will fulfill our desires."

I don't believe I have tried to make any promises with God. I really do trust Him with everything, despite whether the outcome is good or bad. I've come to trust Him completely because of the experiences I have been through in my life. I have seen His goodness, His mercy, and His grace. I have experienced His love and His forgiveness. With all that He has done for me, how can I not trust Him?

Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy ~ Chapter 5

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

I'm a little (way) behind in posting my entries so I'm just playing a little catch up!

Chapter 5 touches on the subjects of depression, loneliness, guilt, and fear.

Several times in the Bible it talks that in times of mourning people would dress themselves in sackcloth and cry out and weep. I wish that there was something nowadays that would show that a person is in mourning. In today's society those who are grieving are expected to dust off their pants and move on after only a short period of time. It isn't that simple.

So Jacob tore his clothes, and put sackcloth on his loins and mourned for his son many days. Genesis 37:34

When Mordecai perceived all that was done, Mordecai rent his clothes, and put on sackcloth with ashes, and went out into the midst of the city, and cried with a loud and a bitter cry; Esther 4:1

In their streets they shall gird themselves with sackcloth: on the tops of their houses, and in their streets, every one shall howl, weeping abundantly. Isaiah 15:3

Why does it seem so forbidden to express our grief? I have expressed my own grief in several ways, which includes crying, scrapbooking, and simply helping others. While it is acceptable to be sad initially, those who are grieving find that after a period of time other people tire of it. They think that it's time to get over it already. The sadness of losing a child doesn't go away quickly, if at all. I think that there will be sad moments for the rest of you life. They may not be as frequent as when the grief was so fresh but I still think they happen.

"When the full reality of our loss is revealed, we may be overwhelmed with our grief and sink into depression. Being depressed about losing your baby is a normal part of the grief process. We must allow ourselves to grieve, which will help us move on to healing."

I think the closest I came to be depressed after losing Carleigh was around the 6 month mark. God felt very far away and that made me lose some hope. Thankfully, it passed and I was able to feel God's closeness again. For some people, grief can also be very physical, but I didn't experience any physical manifestations.

"As no two crystal goblets shatter in exactly the same pattern, no two people grieve in the same manner. This, to, can be a source of loneliness as we seek out others for comfort. Even those with similar experiences may not be able to relate to our loss."

I think the above is very true. We are all different people and while we may grieve in similar manners each grief a person experiences is different. It is very comforting to find friendship with others who know what losing a child is like. There is a bond there that is formed instantly. But above everyone else, I have relied on God to help me overcome every obstacle I have faced. He is the only One who can give me victory when the enemy tries to defeat me. There has never been a time, even when He's felt far away, that He hasn't provided for me and comforted me. It may not have come straight from Him but I know that He had a hand in it.

I think we all know grief can be very lonely. Perhaps not right after your baby has passed but as the weeks and months go by the support that was once there disappears. People move on with their lives and assume you are doing the same. I can't stress enough how important it is for people to still give support to grieving families months, even years, after. Often it can feel like you are forgotten, which also feels like your baby has been forgotten. And feeling like you baby has been forgotten is an absolute terrible thing for a parent to feel. We never want them to be forgotten.

It's in our loneliness that we must turn to God, not away from Him. It may be so easy to think that God doesn't love or care for us or that He caused our babies to die. That simply isn't true. He is grieving with us. Jesus was no stranger to loneliness-He died alone on the cross. He knew grief and sorrow intimately. In fact, I believe He felt the most immense grief ever imaginable. Can you imagine carrying the burdens and sins of the world and knowing you had to die to save them? I cannot fathom it.

Along with blaming God, it can be easy to blame ourselves for our babies dying. In the beginning, I felt guilty because I thought it was something I had done to cause my daughter's anencephaly. Perhaps I could've prevented this. It's easy for Satan to grab a hold of our guilt and use it to attack us. He wants us to feel as low as possible and to turn away from God. Even in the midst of my own guilt, I knew that I could do everything perfectly and the outcome might've still been the same. We live in an imperfect and sinful world, and unfortunately our children are not exempt from it no matter how much you wish they were.

Guilt is normal in grief. It's often a result of us trying to find a logical explanation to why it happened. The truth is there are few, if any, answers for us here on earth. I found it best to turn the guilt over to God and rest in Him.

New fears arise after losing a child. I think a parent's worst nightmare is losing a child. So what is there to fear after you've already experienced the worst imaginable? For me, it is losing another one. And the fear is a very real one to me because I don't have blinders anymore. I am very aware of what can go wrong and that burying your child can become a reality. God has helped calm many of my fears. He reassures me when I feel unsure. Something else that helps me is being with Kyndra. When I am with her I don't focus on bad things happening.

Isaiah 41:10,13
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy ~ Chapters 3 & 4

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This month for Walking With You, we are starting something new. We will be going through the Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study for the next nine weeks. Even if you have not joined us previously, you can join us for this. All are welcome.

I'm a little behind so I'm combining chapters 3 & 4 on this post.

Chapter 3 is titled 'This Can't Be Happening' and looks into biblical examples of grief such as Joseph (Genesis 37-50) and Job (book of Job). I think it really helps to read of examples of grief in the bible. I think Job is a wonderful example of grief and suffering. Reading Job may seem depressing to some but I find it encouraging. There's not many people who have suffered the depth of loss as much as Job. He lost 7 son and 3 daughters, all his possessions, and his health. That's pretty darn depressing. Job took his time and mourned. He felt the heavy weight of grief. In the end, he worshipped God and God later blessed him by restoring what he had and even doubling his possessions.

Of the scriptures looked upon in the study, the ones I relate to the most in Job are Job 3:25-26 and Job 42:1-3. In the first passage, I relate in that my worst fear has come true and it devastated me. In the second passage, I relate in that I don't know God's purposes and may not understand but I can be assured there is a greater purpose in it all.

Job 3:25-26:
25 For the thing that I fear comes upon me,
and what I dread befalls me.
26I am not at ease, nor am I quiet;
I have no rest, but trouble comes.

Job 42:1-3:
Then Job answered the LORD and said:
2"I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.

The next part talks about stages of grief, including relief, denial, and facing your loss. I feel that I am somewhere in between hope and acceptance. However, in planning for Carleigh's birthday party I am mostly in busyness. Lots of busyness. Letting go is the last stage and I'm not sure I'm ready to let go just yet. Is there even such a thing?

There's so much I lost when I lost her. I lost hopes, dreams, snuggles and hugs, first words, first steps, school, graduation, her wedding. Her whole life she could've had. It's difficult not being able to watch her grow up like her sister. I have to live the rest of my earthly life without her. It sure seems like a long time to me. I like the promise of 1 Corinthians 13:12: For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

One day I will have the answers but until then Romans 8:28 tells me this: And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Chapter 4 is titled 'Why Me?' and speaks on anger. I didn't relate much to this chapter as I haven't felt much anger in my grief with Carleigh. I express anger the way I express other negative-type emotions, which is keeping it inside. I don't like to talk about things, much to the frustration of my husband. I'm getting better but I'm certainly not the greatest at it. I find it much easier to write about it.

I guess I would say the thing that makes me angry about my loss is that my girls won't get to grow up together and be close. I wanted that for them and for me so much. My anger in crowds and public places has gone away. It soon resolved after I recognized what was happening and went in prayer about it and made the decision to try and have a different attitude. There have been those in our journey that have caused me some anger. Most of this is from our NILMDTS photographer and that situation. While it does still upset me when I think about it, I have chosen to let it go and move forward as best as I can. I don't want anger about things to consume me. The best way for me to do that is to forgive and to let it go. (Notice I didn't say forget! That's not as easy!) I don't think that it is wrong to feel angry but I do think we shouldn't linger on it and let it consume us. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to be gentle with one another and to forgive quickly just as God has forgiven us. This is a simple solution for other people but much for difficult for life situations.

As far as anger at myself or at God, I don't feel anger at either. I have questioned if it was something I did to cause Carleigh to have anencephaly but I wasn't angry at myself. Through this whole journey, I have never been angry at God. I know God is grieving with me and has carried me this entire time. He loves me and did not cause my daughter to die. I know God understands the best what I am going through-more than anyone else. I trust God completely and that is one thing that will never change.

Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy - Chapters 1 & 2

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This month for Walking With You, we are starting something new. We will be going through the Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study for the next nine weeks. Even if you have not joined us previously, you can join us for this. All are welcome.

I'm posting mine about a week late. I'm still trying to play catch up on things. I apologize!

Chapter 1 of the study is for us to share the story of our babies. I will give a short summary. If you would like to read further into our journey with our daughter you can read in the archives. I was 22 1/2 weeks pregnant with my daughter, Carleigh, when she was diagnosed with a fatal neural tube defect called anencephaly. It was devastating to learn my little girl would not live to grow up and fulfill the many dreams I had for her. I knew from the moment of her fatal diagnosis that I would carry her to term. There was no other option for me. I wasn't ready to let my daughter go.

The next months were spent planning for her arrival and enjoying the time I had with her. It is very wrong to have to plan for the funeral of your child while they are still alive in you-feeling her little kicks as my husband and I picked out her casket. But there were wonderful moments too. We had a maternity session done and I created a belly cast with the help of my friends. We also had the opportunity to see our daughter on a 3D/4D ultrasound-something that is quite a treasure to me know.

At 37 weeks I was induced and it was the early hours of the morning that my daughter was born. We hoped and prayed so much that we could spend some time with her alive but it wasn't God's will for us. Our daughter was born still. But I was not sad that she was gone when I first held her in my arms. I couldn't cry tears of sadness for I was just happy to have her-my beautiful little girl that I waited so many months to meet. She may be gone from this earth but I know she waits for me in Heaven.

Chapter 1 introduces us to the story of a grandmother, her 7 granddaughters, and a quilt that she makes for each of them. One of the granddaughters had a special relationship with the grandmother and on her birthday where she was to receive the quilt, she gets none. This hurts the granddaughter deeply and she grieves for the quilt she never got. The story is told so that those who grieve for their children can relate. Each chapter touches on more of the story.

Chapter 2 of the study has us answering some questions.

1) Where do I go to find the truth?
I first sought God once I found out about Carleigh's fatal diagnosis. He was so close to me in those moments. I also turned to the internet to research more about anencephaly. I knew about it already but I wanted to learn more. I found a support group called Anencephaly Blessings From Above that was a real blessing to me. The ladies in the group provided me with a lot of information and support on the journey. After Carleigh was gone I didn't really seek any help but God. I did read I'll Hold You In Heaven (which I had read previously before Carleigh) and Safe In The Arms Of God.

I didn't spend a lot of time in the scriptures around the diagnosis or when she was born. I mostly read scriptures online but I didn't open my Bible much. I'm slowly beginning to read it more, but it can be a struggle to find the time.

Psalm 19:7-10 tells me that God's Word is better than anything valuable. It tells us the way to live our life and what paths are right.
2 Timothy 3:16-17 shows me that every Word of God is useful. It can show me the truth and my mistakes.
Hebrews 4:12 says that no one can escape God's Word. God's words aren't empty. He means what He says.

2) Where does life come from?
God is the One who created us and breathed in us the breath of life. He formed us and made us who we are. We are marvelously made in His image.

In Isaiah 46:3-4, God says that He was with us before we were born and that He will carry us all our lives. God has been with me my whole life. He was with Carleigh from her conception and He carried her into Heaven. Her body wasn't strong enough to stay here on this earth but her soul was mighty.

3) Why was my baby too weak to live?
I know that it was nothing Anthony or I did that caused Carleigh to die. Scientifically, it was a random thing. But there have been many times I have felt chosen by God to carry such a special child. It was an honor to have her for my daughter. God could have healed her but He felt her life would have greater purpose being here for just a little while.

4) Where is my child now?
I have no doubt that my child is in Heaven. The scriptures give me comfort that she is in the presence of the Lord. After David's son dies in the Bible (2 Samuel 12:15-23) he speaks of how his son cannot come to him but that he will go to his son.

I've often thought about the day where Carleigh and I will be reunited. I don't think that I can fully comprehend the joy and glory of it all. It is a day when I will get to meet my Savior face to face and hold my children. I already feel like Heaven is my home.

5) Can I ever understand WHY?
There have been times when I have asked why but that question isn't important to me anymore. It won't change anything. Sure, it would be nice to know exactly why this all had happened, but it won't bring my daughter back. And honestly, I would never want to bring her back to earth after she has already experienced the joys of Heaven. She wouldn't want to come back. I wouldn't either.

Isaiah 55:8-9 says For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

God's wisdom far exceeds mine. He will always know better than I do about the matters in my life. I need to trust in Him.

6) How can God help me deal with losing my baby?
1 Corinthians 1:3-4 tells us that God will comfort us.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

God has been my number 1 source of comfort in my grief. His presence has been so near to me on many occasions on this journey and I have also felt like He was far away, even though He was with me the whole time. The love I have felt from God has been like a pair of arms wrapped around me and just holding me. It is so amazing.

God brought into our lives so many that also comforted us and gave us support during the difficult times. It always means so much to have our daughter remembered and to hear her name spoken. We never want her to be forgotten. I am thankful that I was able to walk with so many on the same journey who understood. What a blessing it has been.