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When I found out from my friend Hannah that Molly Bears was offering mini bears for earlier losses, I knew I had to get one for Jordan. I sent an email to my friend Tamberly who makes Molly Bears asking about it and she said she would make my Jordan Bear. (She’s so sweet!) I just told her that the color yellow reminds me of him. It didn’t take long at all before this little precious arrived in the mail. Thank you so much Tamberly!!
After opening presents on Christmas Day we made a trip out to the cemetery to visit Carleigh. I took out her new winter flowers to replace the old fall ones. The girls ran around and played for a little bit before the weather got the best of them. It was pretty chilly so I didn’t stay out very long either. Just long enough to put up the new flowers and take a few pictures.
Still loving…..Still remembering…..Still missing…..
Remembering and missing my babies and my niece this holiday season and also remembering all the precious babies of the wonderful friends I have met.
Today it has been 10 years since the day Jordan went to Heaven. I can’t believe it’s been a decade already. Seems just like yesterday I was 19 and facing a choice that seemed impossible yet was my only option. Of course, I know better now that I did have a choice. I wish that I had seen it then and that fear didn’t cloud my judgment.
I still find it ironic to this day that within walking distance of my college house at the time was a women’s center that could have helped me, but I didn’t know that’s what it was. How different things would have called there instead of the clinic to get answers. I could play the what if game all day with the choices that I made but it wouldn’t change anything.
I am thankful for the lessons I have learned through my experience and for the people I have helped because of it. It’s hard for me to wish things could have been different because if it had then I likely wouldn’t have my girls and I love them so much. Then I feel a little guilt for maybe not wishing things to be different. In a perfect world I would have them all and everything would be peachy. I do draw comfort that I will one day see Jordan in Heaven and embrace for the first time. I know my sweet baby has forgiven me and that my choices are not held against me.
Sometimes it is hard to talk about, especially with other people. I never know how someone will react. I am so glad that so many of those who I have encountered have been supportive and have remembered Jordan with me. You are all so very special and I thank you!
Today, Jordan, I will light a candle for you and think of the person you could have been. I will know in my heart that you are safe and waiting for the day I come home.
Today is the day 4 years ago we learned of Carleigh’s fatal diagnosis. It honestly doesn’t sting like it used to. I am glad that it doesn’t but then that could also be because there was so much going on that day to even think much about it. We had 2 family Christmases and there’s always the busyness of tending to my little girlies here on earth.
While it doesn’t have the same effect on me as it once did, I don’t think I will ever forget the day. I still remember the details and the emotions. I still remember feeling the hurt, the devastation, and the sadness. I still remember being lifted up by my God who is bigger than any diagnosis.
I guess what I want to say is that I’m thankful and blessed to have been given my little girl, even though we walked and continue to walk a road we never wanted.
I apologize for not posting last night so without further delay the winner of the Psyche Cremation Jewelry pendant is…….
Beth!!!!
Congratulations Beth! I will get in touch with you! Thank you to everyone who entered and if you did not win Mark is very willing to make a custom pendant for you. You can contact him HERE.
November 17th started out with waking up to this beautiful smile. :)
After breakfast we got ready and left to visit The Haven Network, which was the purpose of our trip to Chicago. The meeting with them was absolutely wonderful. We actually went over on how long we were supposed to be there and we honestly could have stayed there all day if they didn’t have to leave because of prior commitments.
We were able to gather a lot of helpful information from the ladies we met with (Kathy and Jean). It was so great to see a place just how Kelly & I envision SGM being. And we are getting there!!
Outside the building where The Haven Network is located there is an Angel of Hope statue.
After our meeting we met up with my cousin Kate to eat lunch. She brought her girls, Molly and Lucy along. It was so great to see them all since it had been a year since I had seen them last and even longer than that before.
In the evening we went to a shopping center called Crimson Ridge. It was like a bunch of little stores all in one big store. It was pretty neat. I got the toy below for Evanee and we were given it for free by the owner since it didn’t have a price tag on it. How nice! I also got some really yummy cheese and a warm hat.
After shopping we went back and packed up to catch our train back to Ohio. It left late at night so we got in really late in Ohio. And it was super foggy when we got back so we had to drive careful. Anthony was waiting for me when we got back to Deshler to drive me and Evanee the rest of the way home.
Overall, we had a really great trip!!!
On November 16th, Kelly and I left in the early morning to Bryan, OH to a small Amtrak station to catch our train to Chicago. The purpose of our trip was to meet with a perinatal hospice in the area called The Haven Network. Kelly had met with them once before but it was my first time to visit.
Our train was scheduled to leave at 7:05 am and we got there a little bit before thanks to Kelly’s fast driving! We thought we weren’t going to make it. Turns out, the train ended up being like 15 minutes late so we would have been ok! Of course, Evanee came with me and it would be her first train ride!
The train ride was great! The seats were comfortable and there was plenty of space. It was good traveling!! I know for sure if I ever need to travel a long distance I am going by train as it’s much better than taking a car IMO. We did take a little nap during the ride. Evanee enjoyed it since she didn’t have to be strapped in her car seat.
We ate breakfast in the dining car and we had french toast and it was SO GOOD. Some of the best french toast I’ve ever had.
After we arrived in Chicago we took a taxi to the shopping area. It was both mine and Evanee’s first taxi ride!
In the shopping area we went to the Hershey’s store (where we ate supper yummy chocolate PB cupcakes), the Ghirardelli, store, and then the Disney store. I ordered some princess dresses for Kyndra and Lainey. We also stopped by a Walgreens and I picked up an umbrella stroller to help tote Evanee and all our stuff around. It did help!
We then strolled over to Gino’s to eat lunch and where we were going to meet up with my BLM friend Mary (Lukas’ mom). I had never met Mary before IRL so I was excited to meet her. Lainey slept through about half of the lunch, which was good! She was tired! It was my first time eating Chicago style pizza and it was interesting and yummy!
After lunch we took the Metra train to Geneva where Kelly’s dad picked us up and took us back to his house. We ate this really yummy local BBQ place. Very good!!! I definitely was ready to crash once it came time for bed. I was so tired!
You know those songs you just can’t get out of your head? Plumb’s new song is one that really speaks to what I have felt and still feel on this road of loss. I’ve been listening to it a lot lately.
Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Though I walk, though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now
Day 31 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share a photograph of the sunset from wherever we are in the world.
Because of the weather in my area, I was unable to get a picture of the sunset so I decided to share a picture I took off my front porch last summer. I just love how beautiful the sky is and it’s my favorite I have seen in my area of SW Ohio.
Day 30 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share what we want the world to know about this road you are travelling. Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see!
Day 29 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share a YouTube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby.
One of the first songs I heard after getting Carleigh’s fatal diagnosis was I Will Carry You by Selah. It was this exact video that I watched just hours after we found out. I remember just crying listening to this song. We were able to use it as part of the slideshow for Carleigh’s service. This song will always be special to me.
A song that reminds me of Jordan is Happy Birthday by Flipsyde. I found this song in 2008 and it just really resonated with me.
Day 28 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share one of your most significant memories on this journey of grief, it can be a positive or negative memory.
I’ll always remember seeing Carleigh on the 3D US that we had done. It was so amazing seeing her move and kick around. There was so much love in my heart for her in those moments. She had the chubbiest cheeks just like her big sister. I never got to see Carleigh alive other than in her ultrasounds so being able to see her in 3D was certainly a gift. I treasure the video that we have of her.
Day 27 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share some artwork that reminds you of your baby or something that was created for them by you or someone else.
Before Carleigh was born I did a belly cast. The cast was done when I was 36 wks. For 2 years the cast remained unpainted and tucked away in a plastic tote in a closet. I finally got it out and sent it to Stephanie of Beyond Words Designs and she painted it for me. I told her that I wanted the color purple and stars incorporated but the actual design was up to her.
What Stephanie came up with was amazing and totally perfect. The top is a bright blue that fades to a deep purple with a shooting star and many little stars on it. I love it so much.
When I sent the cast to Stephanie I also sent the stamps I had of Carleigh’s hand and foot prints and she put them in the exact position she laid in my womb. She also painted a little heart where her heart used to beat.
I wanted to share of the latest (and greatest) wink that I have received from Carleigh. I will start off to say that I have tried to come up with a way as to explain what happened but so far I haven’t.
The experience happened driving back to the cabin from the Grace for the Journey conference on October 13th. It was very late at night and it was raining. We were all tired and I was having trouble staying away (like slurring my words tired). I glanced into the rearview mirror and noticed something on the back window that I had never seen before. It was a very small handprint in the upper middle of the window. It was obviously the handprint of a baby. I tried to think and there was no occasion when any of my children would have put their hand on the window where it was. They have never been on the outside at that height and closeness to the window to make it and they cannot reach the window from the back seat at the age the handprint would make them.
I studied the handprint as best as I could while driving and it dawned on me that the handprint looked like Carleigh’s handprint-the one that is tattooed on my shoulder. I just couldn’t believe it! I kept looking at it and thought how amazing that was. I meant to take a picture of it later but when I remembered to do it I could not find any trace at all of the handprint on the inside or outside of the van.
Was it really Carleigh’s handprint? Was she trying to keep me alert while driving? Was she protecting me? I don’t have definite answers to these questions. I want to believe it is Carleigh’s handprint that was on that window and since there is no other explanation for it that is what I am choosing to believe right now.
Since then I have seen the handprint on 2 other occasions at home. I have continued to look for traces of the handprint on the inside and outside of the van with no success.
If this is indeed from her then thank you my sweet girl. Mommy will cherish it!
Day 26 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share how old our baby was when they died. Write it down on a piece of paper. If they died whilst you were pregnant you can write their gestation.
Beneath their butterflies are the gestations when they died.
Day 25 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share a photo from your baby shower or blessing.
My pastor’s wife hosted a prayer shower for me and Carleigh on March 14, 2009. We had food and a yummy cake. All the decorations were in purple, which is how the color purple became Carleigh’s.
I had those who came bring baby bottles full of change instead of gifts and we donated the money to our local women’s center.
After food and cake we went to the sanctuary of our church and had prayers. My pastor also anointed me for Carleigh. We listened to songs too and read scriptures. It was all so lovely and appreciated.
Day 24 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share about siblings. This could be done two ways – your could photograph your own siblings and post about how grief has affected them or you can post about your other living children.
Kyndra is the only one of my girls that is in the same picture as Carleigh. She was 15 months old when Carleigh was born. Carleigh was born at 3:49 am so she was very sleepy when we got most of our photos and I don’t have any of her holding her sister, but she really didn’t take a whole lot of interest anyway since she was so young. I think she thought she was a baby doll.
The only way Carleigh’s younger sisters can get pictures with her is with either her photo or her Carleigh Bear.
I wish so much that my girls could grow up with Carleigh and she with them. I hate thinking of what all they and our family is missing out on without her here. I want to make sure my girls grow up knowing about their sister and how much we love her. I want them to know it’s ok to remember her or be sad she isn’t here. I want them to know that it’s ok to express grief and it’s ok to talk about it.
Day 23 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share, if comfortable, a photo of our baby or babies we are remembering this month. If you do not have photos, you could use an ultrasound image or something that represents them.
I am remembering my babies Carleigh and Jordan. ♥♥
Day 22 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share the place that looked after you whilst you were pregnant. Share a photo of those who took care of you and your baby. This could be a midwife/doula/friend/partner.
We had 2 nurses that were there during the labor and delivery. Of course, there were more nurses involved in our care throughout our stay but these are the ones I have pictures of. My nurse Monica in the first picture was with us during the earlier part of labor and my nurse Erin in the second picture was with us during the later part of labor, delivery, and the moments after.
I’m very glad that Erin was my nurse when Carleigh was born. It felt right for her to be there and she was very attentive to our needs. The whole staff during our stay was wonderful to both to us and our family.
