10 years

Today it has been 10 years since the day Jordan went to Heaven. I can’t believe it’s been a decade already. Seems just like yesterday I was 19 and facing a choice that seemed impossible yet was my only option. Of course, I know better now that I did have a choice. I wish that I had seen it then and that fear didn’t cloud my judgment.

I still find it ironic to this day that within walking distance of my college house at the time was a women’s center that could have helped me, but I didn’t know that’s what it was. How different things would have called there instead of the clinic to get answers. I could play the what if game all day with the choices that I made but it wouldn’t change anything.

I am thankful for the lessons I have learned through my experience and for the people I have helped because of it. It’s hard for me to wish things could have been different because if it had then I likely wouldn’t have my girls and I love them so much. Then I feel a little guilt for maybe not wishing things to be different. In a perfect world I would have them all and everything would be peachy. I do draw comfort that I will one day see Jordan in Heaven and embrace for the first time. I know my sweet baby has forgiven me and that my choices are not held against me.

Sometimes it is hard to talk about, especially with other people. I never know how someone will react. I am so glad that so many of those who I have encountered have been supportive and have remembered Jordan with me. You are all so very special and I thank you!

Today, Jordan, I will light a candle for you and think of the person you could have been. I will know in my heart that you are safe and waiting for the day I come home.