Wednesday, December 19, 2012

10 years

Today it has been 10 years since the day Jordan went to Heaven. I can’t believe it’s been a decade already. Seems just like yesterday I was 19 and facing a choice that seemed impossible yet was my only option. Of course, I know better now that I did have a choice. I wish that I had seen it then and that fear didn’t cloud my judgment.

I still find it ironic to this day that within walking distance of my college house at the time was a women’s center that could have helped me, but I didn’t know that’s what it was. How different things would have called there instead of the clinic to get answers. I could play the what if game all day with the choices that I made but it wouldn’t change anything.

I am thankful for the lessons I have learned through my experience and for the people I have helped because of it. It’s hard for me to wish things could have been different because if it had then I likely wouldn’t have my girls and I love them so much. Then I feel a little guilt for maybe not wishing things to be different. In a perfect world I would have them all and everything would be peachy. I do draw comfort that I will one day see Jordan in Heaven and embrace for the first time. I know my sweet baby has forgiven me and that my choices are not held against me.

Sometimes it is hard to talk about, especially with other people. I never know how someone will react. I am so glad that so many of those who I have encountered have been supportive and have remembered Jordan with me. You are all so very special and I thank you!

Today, Jordan, I will light a candle for you and think of the person you could have been. I will know in my heart that you are safe and waiting for the day I come home.

6 comments:

Melissa said...

Remembering Jordan with you Holly.

Catherine said...

You are such an inspiration Holly and though it may not be possible to have all your children here on earth, I'm certain that you will all be together one day in Heaven.

Thinking of Jordan on his special day <3

Trennia Hedges said...

<3 Jordan <3
(((Hugs))) to you...rememebering your precious baby with you.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

<3 Jordan

Love to you...remembering with you.

brigette said...

Xoxox you are amazing. Thanks for your example!! Remembering jordan with you!!

Debbie said...

I think Jordan would be extraordinarily proud of you now. You have done so much for others. "That's my mom!"

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