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Words: Share your favorite quote, poem, song lyrics, scripture that you have found.
There are many words that I have found that I like. There is one that I liked that I chose it to be under the header of my blog.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
To me, this means that no matter what God will always be enough no matter what and He will give me the strength to carry on.
Day 30 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share what we want the world to know about this road you are travelling. Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see!
I began grieving on December 15, 2008, which was the day I found out that Carleigh had anencephaly. I grieved for so many things-lost hopes, lost dreams, lost innocence. Those things were all crushed that day. In the midst of my devastation, I had a lot of people who reached out to me with love and support. In the midst of all that support though words were said that weren’t helpful and or appropriate in my opinion.
The first one that always sticks out plainly in my mind are the words “I’m sorry for your loss”. Now, these words are perfectly fine if your baby has died but my baby was still very much alive and I hated hearing those words. I lost a lot of things that day but I did not lose my daughter. Of course, I understand that people were just trying to be supportive and prolly didn’t know what to say but felt like they had to say something. You don’t need a lot of words to show a person that you care. I find that keeping it simple is often best when at a loss for words. Just saying “I’m sorry” is good enough.
I think what people need to realize is that there are no words that will make it better. There are no words that will take away the pain of finding out your child won’t live or losing a child. The impact of these moments will always stay with a person no matter how much time has passed. They will never forget and they often don’t forget both the supportive and the unsupportive things and words during that time. I certainly haven’t forgotten.
Other things that I have heard include “everything happens for a reason”, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”, “it was God’s will/plan”, “Heaven has another angel”, etc. None of these statements were helpful to me at all. I don’t think they give an ounce of comfort, especially when a person is freshly grieving. When a person is grieving they don’t need to hear your platitudes. I am guilty of saying these things in the past but I make sure I never say them now because I know it does nothing to help the person grieving. I say this as a person who does believe that Carleigh was part of God’s plan for us. When you are in a place where your heart is hurting and you don’t understand and it all seems so unfair those words can hurt.
I consider myself lucky that I have not encountered hurtful words that have been said to some of my friends. Words like “it’s time to move on/get over it” or “you can just have more children”. Those are just two of the many I have heard through others. I know these words come from a place of ignorance. If you haven’t lost a child you may not realize that there is no getting over it and that having more children doesn’t replace the one(s) that died. I think many people just want us to be back to ‘normal’ but what they fail to realize is that the people we once were don’t really exist anymore. I believe over time we can see more of our former selves but it’s never the same. Our actions and thought processes are forever altered. It can be hard to learn how to navigate this new road many find themselves on so please be patient.
I have learned a lot through my own grief on what is helpful and what isn’t helpful in comforting others. But sometimes I’m still at a loss for words. Even though I may not have the right words I know some things will always be right like a hug, a card, or simply telling a person you are thinking of and/or praying for them.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
This week for Illuminate we searched for letters and then took pictures to make a word. This word is one we had to choose to be a theme for us in the upcoming year. The writing is about the future and how things might look say a year from now.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t worry too much about the future because your whole life can change in a moment. Plans you have made can take a totally different path than what you were expecting or wanting. I never thought that I would be where I’m at today. The facts are horrible to face. My daughter was diagnosed with a fatal disorder and she was born still over 3 months later. But when I read those words I don’t really see something terrible. I recall the precious time I spent with her, the memories we made, her day and night gymnastics in my belly, the joy I feel to this day of being her mom. I want to always remember these things.
It doesn’t matter if it is a day, a month, or a year from now as I want to always be able to cherish the moment. Sometimes I don’t always do that but I embrace it more than I ever did before my daughter died. I want to always feel so blessed for what I have been given. They say God gives and God takes away. I do believe that to a degree but I find it hard to apply that to the death of my daughter. God did give me a beautiful daughter but I don’t feel He took her away from me. Maybe it’s because she really isn’t gone forever. She is just away from us for a time until we are reunited again. I hate that we have to have a lifetime apart but I look forward to the day when we are together again.
Is there anything that I can change in this next year? Well, I can’t control many things in this life but the one thing I can control is myself and how I behave and react to situations and to people. In this aspect, I would like to do better.
When thinking of a word that I might try to have as a so-called motto for the next year I had a hard time deciding. I know people who have done the one word thing but I never did it until this assignment. I guess I just didn’t like the idea of one word summing up who I would want to be. I think there’s so much more to me than what one word could describe. So I tried to think of a word that could encompass many different areas of myself. I came up with just a few but one stood out above the others: SERVE.
There are many ways that I can serve. I can serve my patients at work, my family, my friends, those in need, and most importantly I can serve God with my heart.
It isn’t always easy to have a servant’s heart though. My own selfish nature goes against serving others. But there is Someone I can model myself after who is the greatest servant who ever lived and that is Jesus. Jesus is the Son of God but He lived to serve others. He served people who many looked down upon without caring how He would be perceived. He loved others wholly and unconditionally with a pure heart. I want to serve like that.
God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. 1 Peter 4:10
For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. Galatians 5:13
I think my daughter Carleigh instilled in me a will to serve. My own experience made me want to help others, especially other families who have lost a baby. I hope that in this next year to be able to serve in many more ways.
Along with the suncatcher, Sue sent me a couple pens. Yay! I love pens! I took them to work to use but put them up otherwise they'd prolly get stolen by our usual pen thief (whoever that may be). She also sent me a little coin with foot prints on it. On the opposite side of the coin it says: Follow the footprints of the Lord. They will lead you through troubled times and brighten your life. Thank you, Sue!
I got a surprise in the mail from Celia. She send me a wooden cross keychain. It's really nice! I put it right on my keys (well, after I took the picture lol). The side that you can see says Faith 2 Corinthians 5:7. The other side says For we walk by FAITH not by sight. Thank you so much, Celia, for thinking of me!!
Have you checked out Franchesca's new blog called Abiding Hope collages? (If not, you should.)
