Saturday, October 17, 2009

Crowds just don't bring out the best in me

Since Carleigh's birth, I haven't been a fan of crowds. I would much rather stay in the comfort of my own home. Of course, staying holed up forever isn't really an option. I actually don't mind going to work every day. I enjoy my job, my coworkers, and my patients. What gets me is going out to do other things.

Today we went to the Renaissance Festival with Anthony's parents and some of their friends. They had some extra tickets so we said we would go. We both have never been to it so we were interested in seeing what it would be like. It really was neat to see all the people dressed up and the different shops and entertainment.

It slowly started going downhill for me. The longer we were there, the more annoyed and angry I got. There was no reason for it. There were no usual triggers like babies and pregnant women. It just happened. About halfway through the day is when it came to a head. We had walked into a little play in the middle of the show and I don't like seeing things unless I can start from the beginning so I told Anthony to go get Kyndra from his mom so we could go walk around. He went to go get her but then he stood there watching the show. The longer he stood there the angrier I got. I got so angry I wanted to throw the stroller in his face. Finally, he got Kyndra, kicking and screaming at this point, and we left that area.

I was steamed. Anthony kept asking me what my problem was and I kept telling him nothing. Kyndra was crying because she wanted to ride the slide and Anthony didn't want to pay $3 so she could do it. He kept asking me where we were going and I told him we needed to change Kyndra's dipe but there really was no place to go to do it. When I walked one way to look for a place to change her he didn't follow me so I marched back to him and tried to take the stroller away from him and he asked me what I was doing and I yelled at him that I was taking the stroller because I needed her bag and he wasn't doing anything but standing there. He yelled back that we were going back to where we came to some benches to change her. I was frustrated and so was he. And I was angry.

Walking back to the area with the benches, I asked myself, "Why am I acting this way? This isn't me. Why am I so angry when there is nothing to be angry about?" To be honest, I have no idea why I reacted this way. That's the way it's been ever since Carleigh left us. The longer I am in a crowd, the more these negative emotions surface. It's happened every time so far. Maybe I am the only one who notices most of the time. When it's just Anthony, Kyndra, and me going someplace it's usually not quite as bad.

It took me a little bit to cool back down. We walked over to watch this one show, but then I ended up walking off with Kyndra and I just rocked her on a picnic table. After a bit we went back to the show and I felt a little better. The rest of the time we spent there was better too. I constantly kept telling myself to chill out.

Perhaps it was several factors like the cold or the fact that AF reared her ugly head on the 15th and devastated my day. Maybe I wasn't over that yet. All I know is that I don't want this to keep happening but I don't know how to stop it. It's hard to prevent the unpredictable. You don't realize when you're on the outside how much of a person's life is affected by the loss of their child. Everything changes.


I'd like to end my day on a high note so I have another giveaway from My Forever Child. This giveaway is for a Pregnancy-Infant Loss Personalized Bracelet. This beautiful bracelet is a perfect way for you to support Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness. The sterling silver bead can be personalized with your child's name (up to 8 letters) or with a word like love, forever, in memory, remember, or some other word you might like.

To enter, leave a comment with a happy memory of your child(ren). I need happy things right now. This giveaway will end Tuesday at 11:59 pm EST with the winner being announced some time on Wednesday.


April said...

I am sorry that you are feeling these extreme emotions when you're in crowded areas. I can understand how tensions can rise and all you want is for Anthony to automatically KNOW what you're thinking so that you don't have to tell him.

It sound to me like Kyndra was the one rocking you... you needed it more :)


Mary said...

Holly, I feel the same way sometimes. I know I am doing it too I just can't stop myself from getting soooo aggrevated! I wish I could tell you how to stop it but I have not figured it out myself.

Karen said...

I an so sorry you had a diffiicult day! Losing a child can certainly take you on a path totally unexpected. Praying your night ends on a happier note.


Franchesca Cox said...

Holly, all I can say is ME TOO!! =/ Wish it weren't that way, but it just is when I am in a crowd.

Happy Memory: I remember watching Jenna as she opened her eyes for the first time. She opened one at a time, several days apart, but those moments are some of the best. It showed that she was aware and fighting to get to know us. This is a happy happy memory for me. Hope it cheers you up. =)

Love and *hugs*

Bree said...

I so understand. I do not like going out much either. Usually, I stay home for 2 days on the weekend. I mist say, I've never been a fan of the Renaissance Fair anyway. I'm sorry AF came. I know you were waiting for your BFP. :(

Okay, happy things. I smile when I think of Ella on my chest. How I held her fingers and stroked her face. I smile when I see a butterfly. I smile when I see her name written somewhere. Everything about her, except for the fact that she's not here, fills me with love and happiness.

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you, Holly. I am so sorry that you had such a bad day.I pray that you get some comfort knowing that others care about you and your feelings.
I don't have a lot of good memories about Meredith because I was out of it when she was born, never got to be in the nursery with her, never held her,and so on.
It sounds strange I know, but my favorite memory was the day her headstone was put up. Stan and I had saved the money-$200.00- and bought it in the town where we lived. We took it to my hometown for her first birthday.
and my Daddy met us at the cemetery. Daddy put it down for us, to save us money. It was pink granita and beautiful, with a little white marble vase.It was the only tangible thing I could do for her, besides put flowers on her grave, and we were so proud of that monument. I cry now at the thought that I was able to finally get something beautiful for her.
God bless you and I hope you are feeling much better tomorrow.

Jess said...

I'm sorry you had such a hard day today! I think we can all relate to our emotions being triggered at unpredictable times. Putting my son to bed tonight did it for me, It's all part of this difficult journey.
One happy memory about Eliana is, the day I found out my baby was my daughter! That really was one of the best days ever when we found out we had a little girl. Also, just seeing her, holding her, and singing over her when she was born... bittersweet, but such a precious memory.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for this rough day, Holly. I am the same way. I do not like being around lots of people. Even if it is a family party. The more people there are, the more isolated and upset I start to feel. I don't like the feeling either. I'm much more comfortable at home with my husband.

I hope you're feeling much better. ((hugs))

Betty said...

I know how you feel. I had the same problem tonight at my cousins wedding. I just dont do crowds. Too many people, too many faces, too much noise. Ugh. I have found that just getting a few minutes to myself really helps. if I have to I just go to the restroom if there is no where else. What ever it takes. Keep your head up!!!!!

Emily said...

Holly, I only hope this gets better. Maybe one day we get more used to having an angel? I'm so glad Kyndra was there as a buffer and a comfort. ((hugs))

My favorite memory? The night we had her, when the nurse put the monitor on my belly and Leila gave her a nice big kick for her efforts.

Sara said...

I just wanted to say that I will continue to pray for you. I am not walking in your shoes but I think I would have similar emotions if I was.

Rebecca Jones said...

Holly, I'm sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. And I seem to be worse around certain people. I try to bite my tongue and go on. But on a happier note, my favorite memory. When my girls first seen Trinadee. Emalee couldn't wait to hold her. Until she seen her. They hadn't cleaned Trinadee very well. Emalee looked and told me that Trinadee was dirty and she wouldn't hold her until she had a bath. I think about that and I have to laugh every time. Also the memory of how my girls loved Trinadee so much. The both fought over who got to hold her. So sweet.

Lucy and Ethel said...

Grief is unpredictable in many ways, but it's a given that it will wreak havoc in all ways even when you think you're over the biggest hurdles.

And, really, while you seem to be doing great, you're still in the early phase of grief, which seems to last forever.

It WILL get better. Very slowly.

Lots of hugs and prayers from NC -


Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Love you, sweet many things are lying beneath the surface to ooze out when we are grieving...they have their own time table and their own "rhyme and reason", that doesn't always make sense to us.

Love and Prayers...

Sue said...

Holly, I can totally relate to your dislike of crowds, I am the same way. My family likes to go to theme parks, zoo, aquariums, festivals, etc. I never enjoy them like I should bc I'm always more concerned with my kids safety and making sure I know where they are at all times. Once you lose a child, you do everything you can to make sure you don't lose another one, so it turns us into over protective mamas, sometimes crabby and not very fun. It frustrates my husband and kids, but I just can't help it.

I think you were also upset that your husband didn't respond to your needs like you wanted him to. Maybe just let him know how these things set you off and to be more sensitive to your emotions and requests. I'm sure he'd be happy to next time.

I'm sorry your AF came. I imagine that's getting you down too, both emotionally and physically. (((hugs)) for a better day today.

Kari @ p.s. said...

Don't really have the words, but wanted you to know that if I could hug you I would - not that you want to be hugging people you've actually never met. But, I send you one now. Nobody can truly understand what you are going through and why those emotions surface like that. I hope your weekend is going better.

Mommy said...

I am sorry hun... I agree with the first comment 100%.

My only real tangible memory that isn't laced with anguish was that first look at me. The very first time I looked into her eyes I knew that I would always be her mother. After she died, I blocked everything out but that memory. I needed something happy to hold on to, and just knowing that I was the best mother for her while she was inside me and for her short life was a comfort to me.

Once A Mother said...

I know how you feel. Its not always crowds for me, but I find that I anger so easily since Peyton died. Just last night I over-reacted with hubby, and it ruined our entire night. Its so hard, you don't want to be that way, you know you are out of line but just can't help it. I think for me, it is all the anger at my situation just boiling over... sending you a million hugs.

Happy Memory... My happiest moments with Peyton were spent skin to skin. She would lay on my chest, and lift her little head to the side, adjusting and readjusting until she was comfortable. It impressed me, being able to lift her head like that as a newborn. For all my life, I will remember the beauty in the moments spent with her little head against my chest, sleeping. Thanks for this post ending, and for taking me back to that happy place with Peyton. It's these beautiful memories that seem to get covered so easily when we are in pain. Sending many good thoughts your way...

Stephanie said...

I can relate to you 100% I hate going anywhere other than to hang with my neighbor. I feel like everyone is staring at me "the girl who lost her baby" it's horrible, and we live on an AFB so we know a lot of ppl and a lot of ppl know what happened. :(

Last year on Halloween, was a great time. It was warm out which is not normal, I has just found out I was pregnant with Vayden and me Van and Vashon all dressed up like hippies. We had the cutest costumes and at that moment eveything was perfect. We had a cute lil boy and there was a baby on the way. We dressed up as a family, it was a time when we were close, not because we had to be, because we wanted to be.

tomandcheryl said...

I am actually entering to surprise my sister. She lost her son, Kyle, at 6 days old to Trisomy 13. They had no idea he was going to be born with it. They were completely unprepared. This was 11.5 years ago. Gosh, how I wish blogs like this were around then. I truly believe they could have been helped more.
Anyway, her happiest memory is definetely getting to hold him and take pictures with him in the NICU.
My sister is having a biopsy in 9 days for a lump they found in her breast so hopefully this is something "nice" (I use that term b/c I don't know the appropriate word) I could give her.

Amber said...

Holly, I am so sorry about your rough day. Rough Days seem to be going around a lot lately. And the aggrevation! I just have to remind myself that I need to keep it together for my family.

*Happy Memory* Miss Scarlett putting her hand on Lane's cheek and telling him "its ok, don't cry" in her own way. And Lane just looking up at her and smiling like he understood. It was so sweet.

Mom Putnam said...

My dearest Angel-I would love to say I know how you feel but I can't, because I don't. But what I do know is that I love YOU more than life itself because I am YOUR mother and you mean the world to me and I am here whenever you need me for ANYTHING, and I will be your soft place to fall whenever you feel you need or want it.

Trisha Larson said...

Okay Holly, I was the exact same way with group situations. That's why we didn't GO to church for over a year (we watched it on the webcast). That's why we didn't go to any family events or parties. We only went to our kids school and sports events. That was it because I would seriously have an anxiety attack everytime I was in a group situation.

It's so much better now. In fact, it rarely happens. Our grief counselor told us it's just part of the grief cycle and it's normal considering our world was just ripped out from under us. I also believe that Satan just happens to love when I'm broken and takes those opportunities to mess with me. I'm onto that now but it took me a while to recognize it.

I'm sorry to tell you that I'm also in the same boat with you this month. I think that's 22 or 23 NO's at this point. I was 4 days late but just got my monthly visit an hour ago. So, let's pray together this month and hope that God will finally say yes. I can't even imagine how wonderful that would feel.

Hugs to you!

Kathryn @ Expectant Hearts said...

One of my favorite memories of Seth.. Sean used to sit on the end of the couch, next to the bassinet. He'd lean over and talk to Seth, and Seth would smile, and coo.. It was so sweet..

I feel the same way about crowds. I've never been a big one for crowds but it seems to be getting worse...

MommyIvy said...

I'm sorry you have a bad day.

We just made a new memory yesterday. It was the first time any of us had been to a pumpking patch. We had a lot of fun and took tons of pictures.

Ali <3 <3 said...

I'm sorry your feeling down..Here is a happy moment of my life that I treasure to cheer you up.

Jayden was about twelve months old, watching tv and eating spagetti in his high chair. His uncle was also watching something, which I had turned off to let Jayden watch Car's. Well, Jayden wasn't eating very well, I kept telling him to EAT or I was gonna turn it off. Uncle got ahead of himself, and shut the tv off while I was in the bathroom; he then proceeded to leave the baby in his high chair eating spagetti and go into the bedroom. Jayden crawled out of the high chair, smeared food all over the tv, pulled the tv off the entertainment stand (it was really light), and jumped on top of it until his uncle came out screaming!!!

My pride and joy. <3


Ali <3 <3 said...

Also, I wanted to add that I too feel exactly like that in large crowds. Although I am terribly angry at the whole world right now, and tend to show it moreso in group situations...Thats why I don't go anywhere but friends, the store, and 711... :)

croleyc69 said...

I'm so sorry you had a rough time but I do to around alot of people. I'm a SAHM since our move and I feel better just being with my kids. I have been dealing with alot lately & it's along story but the day before October 15th which I know has had me dealing with so many emotions lately. My husband came home after working 10 hrs & we got into it only because I thought he should know what I was thinking. It was terrible and that is so unlike me to act like that. I'm praying for you Holly & I pray AF doesn't visit you next month.

For a happy thought : For me everyday afterschool. I have my 3 kiddos home & all trying to talk at once about there day. Just to hear there stories is great & what did or didn't go right. I miss them when there gone & can't wait til there home again. It's so many nice memories to look back on. :)
{{HUGS}} and Prayers

Jen said...

I am so sorry you had a rough time.. I am there with you and its not a good feeling.. but it just over comes you.. hugs to you..

I am fortunate that I have several good memories with Ella.. MY last really good moment was on the way to the hospital after her mickey was put in..she was starting to have seizures.. I held her in the back seat of the car and she reached up and was playing with my hair and smiling..WHILE having a seizure(at this point it was just starting)she was so sweet and so precious.. when we got there she worsened and was never herself again.. but that last moment when she recognized me, its the best...

Sherry said...

Oh Holly! I am so sorry you had a rough day! I hope maybe this will cheer you up.

My son was born with bi-lateral club feet. The doctors did not know what it was in the beginning. We went through months of casting and braces for nothing it seemed. Soon he turned one with no hope of walking.

I learned of a Dr in KC, KS who could fix my son! I was so excited. Yet it was a long road. So we went through surgery and more casts and finally the happy part.

We were at church mind you my son is now 2 and still has not walked! And my son seen our Pastors son and started RUNNING and yelling "Mitchell". This was the happiest time ever. Not only had my son just walked he RAN! Something I never thought would happen! Thank God for the little moments in life!

Holly said...

big hugs Holly...praying for your peace. I know it's got to be hard.

Nickel Pickle said...

((hugs))I also had an angry moment this weekend where I snapped on my kids & boyfriend. I pretty much bit their heads off for asking me a question. I didnt meant to & I felt awful afterwards...I dont even know what brought it on...

Anyways a happy happy memory of Logan was the first time I heard him cry. It was the sweetest sound in the world!

Cecilia said...

This sounds so familiar to me. I wasn't a big crowd person anyway, but now I also find myself getting aggravated more. I think it sometimes is because of all the small talk that's involved, and seeing others happily with babies. One of the many reasons I'm glad for online communities to support each other. At least we know we aren't going crazy!

Anonymous said...

Holly, I am so sorry about those horrible emotions you're forced to face and live. I find myself SO short tempered, just so the opposite of everything I used to be. I can have a screaming fit for dropping something. Every single thing that happens, little or big, I say "Well, this is my life. It sucks." I just know it feels so awful to feel like that and act in ways you never thought you could/would.

Happy memory:
The first time I ever got to see one of my twins, Sophie, she was in the NICU in her isolette and all I could do was put my hands in. The doctor said, "She hates to be touched so far, so she might get stressed out."
I reached in and she immediately curled her whole hand around my finger.
I was a little smug and wanted to say, "See! She just wanted her mommy."
I live for that moment. That ONE moment that I felt like a mom.

Ms. Sarah said...

So sorry. Hugs.

I love how when Nate is still drowsy and half awake will crawl into bed with me. Snuggle up and tell me "momma I wuvs youd to the moon and back always and forever"

blake is always one to try and make you smile. He will goof off and do silly things just to get you to smile.

Barraza Family said...

Holly I wish you would have got a hold of me! I feel like that too sometimes, just like overwhelmed by the situations around me, and i wonder why am i so mad at nothing, also AF decided to finally show up for me too. But that is a good thing in my case so i know my body is back finally.

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