Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Sibling Grief/The Next Pregnancy

This week, we are sharing about the effect our loss(es) had on our children (sibling grief). If you did not have children at the time of your loss, we are also sharing about subsequent pregnancies (after the loss). If you have not had a pregnancy following the loss, yet, you may share your feelings about facing your next pregnancy. (You can read my original sibling grief post here.)

When Carleigh was born Kyndra was 15 months old and Hannah was 9.

Kyndra was at an age where she just really didn’t know what was going on. She didn’t realize mommy was going to have another baby or that there was anything wrong. When Carleigh was born Kyndra was a little curious about her but mostly she was sleepy since it was so early in the morning. I remember the most she really touched Carleigh was to poke at her a couple times.

I often took Kyndra to the cemetery with me when I went to visit and it was a wonderful time for both of us. She really enjoyed going and playing and running. She’d trace her fingers over the lettering in the headstone and it melted my heart when we would go to leave and she would hug and kiss the stone. We don’t visit near as often as we used to but she still enjoys going.

Hannah was older and able to grasp more of what was going on. We explained to her what was going to happen and what was wrong with Carleigh so that she wouldn’t live. It was me who helped explain it more so she could understand it better. Hannah never met Carleigh in person or held her or even went to the funeral. It was a decision that her mom and Anthony made that they thought was best at the time. Of course, we know now that she should have been there. She herself has expressed that she wish that she was. At the time Hannah was living out of state (13 hours away) and that also was part of the decision in not having her present. We did take her to the cemetery though when we had her that summer.

Anthony and I started trying again just 6 weeks after Carleigh was born. For some people, trying again so soon doesn’t feel right but it did for us. We knew before Carleigh was born that we would try again soon. However, we did not conceive until 9 months later, which was often frustrating to me because I conceived Kyndra in 3 months and Carleigh in just 1 month. I do believe it was God’s timing though because as soon as I gave it over to God I found out I was pregnant. Sometimes I need a lesson in letting go and letting God.

Pregnancy after loss is definitely a ride like no other. Pregnancy is never the same after you’ve experienced a loss. I was more anxious, fearful, and worried that something was going to go wrong and that I would lose another baby. Even in all my mixed up emotions I still had faith in God that He was there for me. Toward the end of my 1st rainbow pregnancy I began getting more anxious and emotional. My fear of something going wrong when we were so close to the end was something I tried to overcome daily. When I finally went into labor I was calm and at peace and our daughter Lainey arrived safely into the world via waterbirth (something I’ve always wanted).

I am currently 24 weeks pregnant with my 2nd rainbow, another little girl named Evanee. This time around my emotions of things going wrong aren’t as strong and I’m glad about that. It doesn’t help me or my baby to be stressed out about the what-ifs that I can’t control. I’m putting my trust in God for us to bring another little girl home.

One thing I know for sure is that I want all of my children here on earth to know about their sister Carleigh. I don’t want her to be a subject that is taboo. Kyndra is 4 years old now and I talk to her about Carleigh. She asks me about her and about her head. I’m honest with her about everything, but in words she can understand. Lainey is 17 months old and she has a cloth picture book that has pictures of family members and I included a picture of Carleigh. I feel it’s important for my girls to know about their sister. I want them to know that she is loved and never forgotten and that she’ll always be a part of our family even if she isn’t physically with us.


Tesha said...

Thanks for sharing. I am worried about another pregnancy. I do not want to live in fear for nine months, I am glad to hear God gave you peace. Congratulations on you new rainbow!

brigette said...

written so honest and true as always!! Your such a beautiful strong mama and have sure been an example for me. Thanks for writing so I can read and know what I feel im not alone. Prayers your way and blessings to your sweet rainbow!

Anonymous said...

merci pour le partage... triste que hannah n'est pas pu faire entendre son choix, même si je comprends... nous sommes parents,nous faisons toujours en pensant faire le meilleur, nous sommes humains ils nous arrivent de faire des fautes...

Thomas' Mommy said...

You have no idea how much I needed this right now! I am currently 10.5 weeks into what is hopefully my rainbow pregnancy! I have had severe anxiety over the last few weeks and have really had a tough time bonding with this baby (an internal defense mechanism I suppose). Monday and Tuesday of this week were spent in tears for the most part and when I wasn't crying I was choking them back; the unknown is a killer!! I went to God on Tuesday and BEGGED for peace, I BEGGED for Him to take this worry from me and I am here to tell you that He has answered my prayers. I haven't felt this peaceful in a long time! We will find out on March 9th if this baby has anencephaly or not and I am mortified. I have played the potential scene in my head a thousand times, just wishing I can predict my reaction to whatever news we get. We tried for several months to get pregnant with our first son, Aaden, but became pregnant on our first month of trying with Thomas (our angel). We decided after 5 months (because of a c-section) to begin trying again and it took several months to conceive, but like you, I handed it over to God and just said, "in your time Lord" and that very month we became pregnant with this baby. I covet your prayers over my pregnancy and I will certainly be praying over yours! Thank you for sharing!

Jennifer Ross said...

These posts are so emotional.....

I think it's wonderful to continually include the children in the lives of their brother(s)/sister(s) that are in heaven.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I think we all could use a lesson in letting go and trusting God sometimes, don't you? It's a hard thing to do, especially when we have lost what is most dear to us. But, it's still always best. Thanks for sharing your heart and every step of your journey with such honesty.

Continuing to pray for you and Evanee...

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