Thursday, September 20, 2012

The bittersweet

A couple weeks ago for about a week things were tough. I was having lots of moments that left me teary-eyed and aching for my little girl. I can’t pinpoint any single thing that brought this on. I guess it’s just one of those waves of grief that come. Although they are not as frequent now, I am not expecting them as much so when they hit it can be hard.

Truth is, I miss my girl. I was especially missing her that week. I felt the ache in my heart. I have been wanting to come here and write. I wanted to come that week and pour out my heart but I just never had the time like I wanted to do that. And that’s ok. I have 3 little girls who needed me and that’s where I’d rather have my attention. I knew I’d get here eventually. (Of course now that I’m feeling better I don’t feel the need to pour out my heart like I did.)

They make the ache easier-seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter. Playing and hugging and loving them helps me. I do believe a part of her lives on in them, especially my Evanee who looks so much like her.

I snapped a photo of Evanee with Carleigh Bear while she slept. It is bittersweet to me in more way than one. A little girl who hugs a bear where her sister should be, except this little girl would not be here today if her sister was.  So thankful for both of them-for all my girls.



CynthiaS said...

awww, tears and hugs! Beautiful picture :)

Patricia Aman said...

So beautifully written! I have the same thoughts about my children. They help me keep going every day. It'll be 7 years in December since our first son was stillborn & it's still painful. I think about him all the time. I look at our 4 year old son & think the same as you did with your daughter. He wouldn't be here if our first son had survived. You are so right. It's all so bittersweet. Love & hugs to you!

Jus and Kat said...


I know "The Bittersweet" oh so well. The missing hurts, and when things trigger the ache so unexpectedly, there's no stopping that emotion.

Thinking of you and Carleigh always,

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I love you Holly. This was so beautiful...and heart-wrenching. I love that picture of Evanee with your Carleigh bear. Those waves just come. That ache of missing is ours to carry for the duration of our time on this earth. We have healing, hope, and joy. But, those waves come at times...and they will. I'm grateful for the ways the Lord eases the pain, especially in the beautiful gifts that live on in your sweet girls. Love and prayers for you, my beautiful friend.

TanaLee Davis said...

I hate when those days come up. Bittersweet- your Evanee clutching that bear, that in ways represents your hard to see ourselves where we shouldn't be but gifts come from what we thought were impossible places. I've been thinking of you and as always its nice to hear from you here. Hugs-

Mary said...

Love...hugs to you all!

Jennifer Ross said...

I struggle with these same moments with Ezekiel. It can be so hard at times.

Evanee looks so much like Carleigh!..... She's precious Holly.

Jennifer Ross said...

oops...... I commented in the wrong spot. I didn't mean to click on the reply button. :o)

Debby@Just Breathe said...

She does look like beautiful. I am so sorry for the waves of grief when they hit. ((HUGS))

Sarita Boyette said...

Awww, Holly, I know that feeling. You are in my heart & prayers. Little Evanee is so precious. I love her picture holding Carleigh Bear. xoxo

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