Happy Birthday to all those babies who were born and went to Heaven in October. Sending love to all your mommies!
Claire ~ October 1, 2009 Cayla ~ October 2, 2009 Meredith ~ October 3, 1974 Shelomith ~ October 4, 2009 Isaac ~ October 7, 2008 Blumpy ~ October 8, 2009 Cadynce ~ October 10, 2009 Adelle ~ October 12, 2009 Rebekah ~ October 13, 2009 Nathan ~ October 15, 2009 Dylan ~ October 19, 2000 George ~ October 20, 2008 Kennedy ~ October 22, 2009 Christopher ~ October 24, 2009 Sami ~ October 26, 2009 Faith ~ October 28, 2008 Aiden ~ October 28, 2009 Adam ~ October 30, 2009
We had a pretty good storm in our area the other night and I got a text from my friend Ashley (who lives just a hop, skip, and a jump away from me) saying that there was a rainbow outside. I was able to see it in our back yard and it was an amazing rainbow and you can see a faint second one to the right. And yes, the sky really was that color too!
My friend Jenny loves to see rainbows because they remind her of her son Isaiah. So this is for you Jenny!
On Saturday, October 23rd, we visited the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, TN. We visited NMU in 2008 and in 2009 and have pretty much decided that it is an annual trip for us. We have a plaque at NMU for Jordan that we placed in 2008.
This year my parents went with us. We had also planned to meet up with some fellow loss families like we did the previous year but it didn't work out this year. Hopefully, next year we will be able to meet up.
Below are just a few pictures from our visit. You can click the links above to see pictures from our previous visits. They had rearranged some things from our last visit and even got a beautiful stained glass window placed. My items that I had put there in 2008 were still there and it was nice to see.
NMU is simply an amazing place. It may not hold a lot of meaning to other people but for me it does. Going to NMU is like going to the cemetery for Carleigh only this is the place I go for Jordan. It is peaceful and the story behind how this place came to be is definitely from God. I got a little teary-eyed a couple times as I thought of Jordan and how much I missed our baby that never got to be. I think the moment that meant the most to me was when my dad came over and hugged me. He didn't say anything but he didn't have to. His embrace said it all.
Buy this and follow the directions on the side to make blueberry streusel muffins. Oh my gosh, they are so good. My new favorite thing to make.
Day 22 – a website that has been meaningful since your loss
The website for Sufficient Grace Ministries has meant the most to me. Kelly does a great job at reaching out to women and helping them through their grief, whether it is through her words or the services of her ministry.
Day 23 – a youtube video that makes you laugh
I remember when this was going around FB. It really cracked me up!! I even had to show my hubby and he thought it was hilarious! The first video is the news story and then someone made it into a song for the second video.
Day 24 – where you live
My husband and I are originally from NW Ohio. We moved to SW Ohio 5 years ago because of my job. We bought our home right before we got married. It’s in a very, very small town in the middle of cornfields. It’s basically like living in the country even though our neighbors are a little closer.
Most of our neighbors are older and we like it that way. And I’m pretty sure they like us too because I know they don’t want us to move!
Our house is aluminum siding and could really use a new paint job or new vinyl siding. We’d really love to have a garage too instead of the seen-better-days ‘garage’ out back. We have an upground pool that we are going to tear down this next year and most likely put a new one up since it has also seen better days.
We have a decent sized yard as our property is actually two lots instead of one. We have a little playset in the back yard for Kyndra that she loves to swing and play on (you can kinda see it in the last pic) .
The pictures below were taken in July 2009. Don’t mind the weeds! I haven’t been very diligent about pulling them the past 2 summers.
Day 25 – your day, in great detail
Since I’m still on maternity leave right now my day is a little different than it normally is.
I woke up around 2 am to feed Lainey, change her diaper, and to pump. I woke up again around 4:30 am for another feed, change, and pump session. Got up for the day at 6:15 am and started off with a feed, change, and pump. Anthony got up around 6:45 am and Kyndra was up not long after so I went up and got her and changed her diaper. Lainey was chilling out on the boppy while Kyndra drank some chocolate milk and I had some Golden Grahams cereal.
Kyndra watched some tv and played most of the day. Lainey slept and ate most of the day.
My activities for the day included catching up on my devotion, checking my email, checking in on FB, reading a couple blogs, uploading and editing pictures, washing and folding laundry, dishes, watching tv, getting the mail, making wipes, stuffing diapers, feeding Lainey, and playing with Kyndra.
I’m not gonna go into great detail on all of that because it might be a little boring.
As far as tonight, Anthony will be home soon and we’ll eat supper. He’ll prolly ride his bike down in the den while Kyndra plays and I’ll be in the living room feeding Lainey and watching tv. I think I’ll skip baths for the girls tonight so that Anthony and I can watch a movie and eat ice cream.
As Halloween approaches and you start thinking about costumes, are there (figurative) "masks" you sometimes put on?
When I compare last year to this year there is quite a difference in my masks. Last year I was slowly coming out of one of the toughest waves of my grief, which was around 6 months. I was beginning to realize some of the things that I did to try and protect myself and hide my grief. I was wanting to try and work through those things to get in a better place with my grief. I think at that time I was wearing a mask in front of people because I didn't want people to know that maybe I wasn't ok. I got the "how are you doing?" a lot but I really don't believe many of those were genuine. I don't think many people really wanted to know how I was doing but just wanted to hear that I was doing ok. So that's what I told them. And I'm not saying that all day every day was a gloom fest because it wasn't. There were good days.
This year I feel I am wearing a much better mask. Life is better even though our daughter isn't here with us. Of course, we'll always wish she was. I think having our rainbow baby has a lot to do with the happier mask I have. Regardless though, I think I'd be wearing a happier mask even if we didn't have our rainbow baby because things are much better than they were just one year ago.
I wish that there were no need for these masks that so many of us wear. I think that maybe we will carry them with us forever. Over time the need to use them may become less and less but I really can't see a time when you would put them away to never use again. There are just so many triggers out there in the world and so many ignorant people.
I think that even if I would have never experienced the death of my daughter I'd still have masks. Everyone has them. The difference for me is now I consciously choose to put them on.
Well, I mentioned on Day 1 that the song He Will Carry Me can get me a little teary. I think that any of the songs on Carleigh’s playlist below have the potential to make me cry. It would just depend on how I am feeling at that moment.
Day 17 – an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you
I love the drawings that Maryline made for me of Carleigh. There’s just something really special about having your child sketched with love.
A couple other drawings that I’ve seen before that I really love are the ones of Jesus holding babies. These ones definitely make me tear up! I can only imagine that this is how it could be up there in Heaven.
Day 18 – my wedding
Anthony and I got married on October 1, 2005. We got married in the church that I grew up in and is just a stone’s throw from my parent’s house. The day was beautiful and everything went pretty much how we planned.
We had a Roman themed wedding but I put my own twists on it so it was modern too. We had around 300 guests and it was such a fun time.
Day 19 – a talent of yours
I think this one is hard for me to narrow down because there are lots of things that I consider myself good at but not one that I really choose to focus on. So I guess I really don’t have an answer for this one.
Day 20 – a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss
One of my hobbies is scrapbooking. I don’t scrapbook much anymore now. I have made 2 scrapbooks for Carleigh and I did enjoy creating them for her. Scrapbooking can take a lot of time and time is something I just don’t have a lot of anymore so I can’t do it like I used to even though I enjoy it a lot. I have decided to make a first year scrapbook for any children we may have since I made one for Kyndra and then for any photos after the first year I’ll create photobooks. I like the idea of creating something for each of my children so this makes the most sense to me.
Day 11 – a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now
This is the most recent photo of me. I took it this past weekend. It makes me feel really happy. :) Our little rainbow is such a blessing and I’m just so glad that she’s here.
Day 12 – something you are OCD about
I’m big on organization. I like things to be in their proper place. Every once in a while I’ll go through the house and reorganize things and get rid of stuff. I think Anthony hates it when I do that because he never know what stuff of his is gonna bite the dust. lol I’m also the mom that if the toys aren’t put back where they’re supposed to be I’ll throw them away. I’ve done that on more than one occasion with Hannah. Kinda sounds mean but children are perfectly capable of learning how and where to put things away by a certain age. Not putting things away properly is the perfect way to lose things and it bugs me to no end when toys don’t have all their pieces.
Day 13 – a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss
I’m not really coming up with a fictional book that means something to me. I guess I like the children’s books that help explain loss and help remember the lost sibling.
Day 14 – a nonfictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss
Books that mean more to me now are ones that have stories similar to mine like Waiting with Gabriel, In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me, and I Will Carry You. I can relate a lot to them and it’s just something that’s familiar to me.
Day 15 – what you like about your house
We bought our house 5 years ago. It was the nicest house that we looked at and I knew immediately when we toured it that it was the one. The thing I like about our house is the location. We live in a really small town but it feels more like country so we’re kinda the in between. Plus, we have great neighbors.
Above is a picture of the back of our house during our annual cookout this past summer.
Another plus of our house is that we have a pretty big yard compared to the other houses in our area. We actually have 2 lots and depending on what we decide to do later we could have a 3rd once the house beside us is demolished.
On Friday night Anthony and I (along with the girls) went to a remembrance ceremony for October 15th. It was the first year that this one was held. We met up with our friends Josh & Jenny at the event. They lost their daughter Kayden (who also had anencephaly) not long after we lost Carleigh.
I didn’t get to take as many pictures as I had wanted because little miss Lainey decided she was hungry almost the entire time. So the only pictures I got were ones that Anthony took. I had wanted to get a picture of the 4 of us but it didn’t happen.
They had the ceremony at a park in one of the pavilions. It got a little chilly toward the end but overall it wasn’t bad. Inside the pavilion it was lit up with lights and candles. It was peaceful and pretty. They had snacks and drinks. I didn’t have any but Kyndra had some cookies and a cupcake.
They had stars that we could write our baby/babies’ names and stick in the ground.
We all had the opportunity to go up to the main table and share our stories and our babies and then light our candles that we had from the main candle from the table. What was funny was when we were up front and shared and went to light our candles Kyndra tried blowing out the main candle. Luckily she doesn’t have a lot of wind behind her effort so it didn’t do anything.
They handed out a small candle to each of the families in attendance before everyone left. Attached to the candles was a little card and on the card was this poem:
Because of You by J. Melia
Because of you I appreciate the sunset more than before.
Because of you I stop to look up at the moon and wish upon a star.
Because of you I look forward to hearing the birds sing in the morning, and thank God for their beautiful songs.
Because of you I am more understanding of others and accept people for who they are.
Because of you material things do not matter.
Because of you the touch of someone you love is more precious than any gift you can receive.
Because of you I have a broken heart but I thank God for sending you to me.
For there is no stronger love than I hold for you.
Until we meet again.
I’m really glad that we went to the ceremony. It was our first year going to something like this and I definitely want to do it again next year. Maybe we can even do more than one.
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love. ~Washington Irving
My Forever Child- Remembrance Jewelry, Memorial Keepsakes, Sympathy and Decorative Gifts to comfort those touched by the loss of a Child. Personalized, Engraved & Handcrafted Miscarriage-Pregnancy Loss Bracelets, Baby-Infant Footprints Charms, Custom Necklace Pendants with your child's Footprint, Handprint image or photograph.
Please feel free to email me with any questions, comments, etc. I just love hearing from you! If you are carrying a child with a fatal diagnosis or have lost a child and need some direction feel free to email me at caring4carleigh at yahoo dot com.
From a Lullaby to Goodbye
Contains Carleigh's story as told here. Click picture to buy.
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