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As Halloween approaches and you start thinking about costumes, are there (figurative) "masks" you sometimes put on?
When I compare last year to this year there is quite a difference in my masks. Last year I was slowly coming out of one of the toughest waves of my grief, which was around 6 months. I was beginning to realize some of the things that I did to try and protect myself and hide my grief. I was wanting to try and work through those things to get in a better place with my grief. I think at that time I was wearing a mask in front of people because I didn't want people to know that maybe I wasn't ok. I got the "how are you doing?" a lot but I really don't believe many of those were genuine. I don't think many people really wanted to know how I was doing but just wanted to hear that I was doing ok. So that's what I told them. And I'm not saying that all day every day was a gloom fest because it wasn't. There were good days.
This year I feel I am wearing a much better mask. Life is better even though our daughter isn't here with us. Of course, we'll always wish she was. I think having our rainbow baby has a lot to do with the happier mask I have. Regardless though, I think I'd be wearing a happier mask even if we didn't have our rainbow baby because things are much better than they were just one year ago.
I wish that there were no need for these masks that so many of us wear. I think that maybe we will carry them with us forever. Over time the need to use them may become less and less but I really can't see a time when you would put them away to never use again. There are just so many triggers out there in the world and so many ignorant people.
I think that even if I would have never experienced the death of my daughter I'd still have masks. Everyone has them. The difference for me is now I consciously choose to put them on.
9 comments:
Oh Holly, that mask at this time last year must have been hard to put on every day. I can't even imagine. I am glad you are happier although I know being happy right now is hard in a different sort of way. I don't really know what I am trying to say except you have such a wonderful family and I am glad you treasure every moment of every day.
~Cheryl
Thia post really hits home! I do feel like I am wearing a mask a good portion of the time lately. I guess because people do expect us to "be fine" when maybe somedays we are not fine. Thank you for posting this today! I needed it! xoxo
I definitely feel the mask I wear now is easier to wear than earlier in my grief. But it's still hiding a lot.
Some days it's easier to wear those masks then others (hugs)
I was thinking about how I might respond to this question when I saw it was this month's writing challenge, and I will probably answer mine very similarly. It's amazing what a difference a year can make.
I like how you said that when people ask how your doing, they usually ask, because they want to hear that you are. I did the same thing you did. There were to many emotions in the very beginning to be able to sort them all out, let alone explain to someone else how I was feeling.
I loooooooooooooooooove the pictures in your last post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They were beautiful Holly!!!! It looks like you had a blast at your wedding. What wonderful memories to have forever!
Great post, Holly!!
it's so strange isn't it... thinking back and being able to say 'well this time last year I was .... in my grief.' sometimes i wish time would stop - it just goes so fast - without any prejudice or bias. i hate knowing they have been gone longer than they were here....that part hurts so badly. and i hate that i pretend everything is okay, and that i do wear those masks... anyhow, thanks for posting and writing in general. it's good to be in community with BLMs who understand and share in the journey.
Holly, I so identify with your words. I often wished that as a grieving mom I could wear one of those black arm bands to let people know I was still in pain. I guess, if I'm honest, I was good at wearing my "happy" mask or my "I'm fine, please don't feel sorry for me" mask. Thanks for bringing up a subject that reminds all of us to look at our friends and family beyond the surface and try to have a heart connection. God is allowing you to use your experience in many good ways... Love, Beth
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