Thursday, May 13, 2010

First Funeral after Carleigh

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. We just wish it would've been later. I guess I kinda always knew that Anthony's grandpa would be our first but I still hoped it wouldn't have been now. His grandpa passed away last Friday morning. We knew it was coming but it's always hard to take. He fought long and hard and gave us many more months than what the doctors gave him. He's always been like that. We both think that he was just ready to go and we are glad that he's not suffering anymore but we'll miss him so much.

I wasn't prepared for the emotions that I felt on Friday. I was sad, but I also felt jealous and angry. I felt it wasn't fair that he got to be with Carleigh and that I didn't. It upset me a lot and it surprised me. I cried about it and I ranted about it to God. I just didn't know what to do with it. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave this quite yet because I still want to be here, but just the thought of people other than me getting to be with her just rubbed me the wrong way. I guess it's just a tug of war when your heart is in Heaven too.

After Friday, I felt much better about the situation. I knew that it was a good thing that he was up there with her. He never got to meet her here on this earth because he wasn't in good enough condition for the drive so I'm sure he was really happy to meet her (and Jordan) in Heaven.

Sunday afternoon there was a private family viewing and then the funeral service was on Monday evening. I was actually ok for the most part during both of these. I had my moments of tears like anyone would in such a situation and so did Anthony. I guess for Anthony and me there can't be a worse funeral than one for our own child. And perhaps it would've been harder had it been the same funeral home as Carleigh's because I'm sure there would've been a lot of memories there.

So...we've made it through another first and we're still standing. On to the next I guess.

18 comments:

Elizabeth said...

I know how that first post child funeral can be difficult. My first funeral after Connor died was almost 2 years later and it was my best friend. I found comfort in knowing that she would be up in heaven telling my Connor just how much his mommy loves him. One thing that is for sure no funeral can ever be worse than the one of your child. Thinking of you. *hugs*

April said...

hugs holly!

Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) I am so sorry.

Jennifer Ross said...

I felt the exact same way when my grandma died a couple of months ago!! I was so angry. I was mad. I would go in a room by myself and just get really angry about it. I was so close to writing about it on my blog, but I thought that no one would understand unless they had actually went through it. I also have my mom who reads my blog, and I didn't want it to "rub" her the wrong way. It's her mom. She just wouldn't have understood.

I'm glad that you shared this feeling with others.

xx

Linda said...

So sorry you had to say good-bye to grandpa Holly. I know that is hard.
I am still grieving the losses of my sister, John's sister, and his mom and dad...and of course Anna and her two brothers.

Loss is hard. But it helps so much when we KNOW that we will see them again in Heaven...and that we will have eternity with them.

You will never forget Carleigh...and the love for her will live on and on.

I am feeling blessed with a laptop from Lynnette and Abigail. I was having trouble with my old one so they gave me Ab's old one. Now I can do more reading, commenting and posting. Yay!

Have a good weekend sweetie.

Love you,
Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

elena said...

*hug* While I can only imagine this experience will be quite difficult for myself, I can understand your feelings of jealousy and anger mixed of course with you wanting to stay here for your other children. It is a very difficult journey at times this road were on.

love and prayers
elena

crystal theresa said...

i felt a similar kind of jealousy, too, when Louie's grandma died (just 7 months after we lost Calvin and 2 months before we lost Rainbow) and understand both wanting to be with our babies but not being ready to leave here. i'm understand the feeling of too many losses in a short time and i really do feel for you. i'm glad you and anthony were able to get through it okay. ((hugs)).

croleyc69 said...

{{HUGS}} I have been praying for you and glad things went ok. Loss is hard but knowing that this is not the end. Life forever in Heaven. I can't wait !!
Caroline

Kate said...

Lots of love coming your way! I am so glad you and Anth had each other to lean on!! Love you!!

Karin said...

Somehow the firsts keep coming, huh? I'm glad you made it through. Those "I can do it!" moments are good for the soul. :)

The first funeral was only a few months after my miscarriage for our baby niece. That was not a good combination - our whole family hurt for these babies. I haven't been to a funeral since my second miscarriage. Until your post, I hadn't really thought about how that might be like. I'm not looking forward to it.

Monica said...

My husband just lost his grandma a few weeks ago and I had a lot of the same feelings. Jealous that she was getting to hold Gracie before me especially since she never mentioned a word about losing Gracie to me and she lost her own baby at 3 days old so she would have known about the isolation culture of our society. My family reads my blog so I didn't post about it either but it feels good to write this now. But I also felt peace in knowing that Laiman's grandma was no longer suffering and knowing this took over the jealousy. Big hugs and thanks for sharing, I don't feel so alone:)

Trisha Larson said...

Holly-

I had a lot of frustration when my FIL died last Summer too. I was resentful that he got to be with Nathan and I didn't People would say that it's great that Nathan was with his Grandpa. But, that was no comfort at all to me. I am his mom and I am the one that is supposed to be with him.

I don't think about it much anymore but this post just reminded me of the feelings that I was struggling with last year.

I am glad that you made it through another "first". I only have 1 to go and that will be accomplished just as soon as I can bring myself to hold another baby.

Hugs,
Trisha

Trisha Larson said...

Holly-

I had a lot of frustration when my FIL died last Summer too. I was resentful that he got to be with Nathan and I didn't People would say that it's great that Nathan was with his Grandpa. But, that was no comfort at all to me. I am his mom and I am the one that is supposed to be with him.

I don't think about it much anymore but this post just reminded me of the feelings that I was struggling with last year.

I am glad that you made it through another "first". I only have 1 to go and that will be accomplished just as soon as I can bring myself to hold another baby.

Hugs,
Trisha

AKD said...

I'm so sorry, Holly. I'm sending you so much love and so many hugs.

Anonymous said...

I am soooo sorry Holly ; I know it had too of been hard ; I am hoping NO funerals come anytime soon ; because its going too be REALLY hard ; know that I am here for yu if yu need the help !

forever yur friend ,
Karie (Anthony's Mommy)

Shandrea said...

Sending you hugs holly.

Jessica said...

*hugs*

Susan said...

Very sorry for the loss of Anthony's grandfather. Funerals are tough after the loss of a loved one, but they seem to be even harder after a loss like the ones we have all been through. Glad you survived without too much emotional trauma. Hugs.

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