Wednesday, April 28, 2010

13 months

Today it's been 13 months. I didn't think I would post each month anymore after Carleigh's first birthday but I figured it would be a good time to update on how I am doing.

Things have been going really well. I stay pretty busy most of the time between work, taking care of our home, and spending time with my family. Sometimes I wish I had more down time, but I guess I've gotten used to busy.

As far as my grief, most days have been good. I still think of Carleigh many times every day and miss her tons. I still wish that I had 2 little girls at my feet instead of just 1 and I don't ever see that changing.

Today was unexpectedly emotional. I started reading Angie's book I Will Carry You and I am about half way through it. I have practically been in tears the whole time reading it. I guess I shouldn't have started it at work! I have related to this book so much and it is very deep and moving. I really like how Angie talks of the story of Lazarus. But it's taken me back too. I remember my own journey as I read about hers. So I was a little emotional after I left work. I decided to go to the cemetery for a visit and wouldn't you know the song that was playing when I got in my car was Love Never Fails by Brandon Heath. On the way I thought I might lose it, but when I got there I felt strangely calm.

One of the caretakers was mowing and he said hello to me and apologized if there was grass on Carleigh's headstone. I said it was ok. I just brushed all the grass off and wiped off all the bird poop. I was also happy to see her flowers still there. I just laid on the grass, let the sun hit and warm me, inhaled the smell of freshly cut grass, and listened to the hum of the lawn mower. Relaxing. And then I sat up in front of her stone, choked back some tears, and told her that I loved her and missed her. Then I got up and left to go home. When I turned on the van Amy Grant's song Better Than A Hallelujah came on. KLOVE always plays the right songs when I need them. So that made me cry! And so I pretty much just cried the rest of the way home. Does it seem odd to say that it was nice to cry? Because it was.

I have been feeling a little conflicted lately about a few things. Thank you, Kelly, for listening to me and helping me out. I was going to post all about it here but I have since changed my mind since talking with Kelly. What I will say is that there may be times when I'm around and there may be times when I'm not. I'm not leaving completely but there are times when I just need a break from this community. Being in this world and reading so many babyloss blogs can take a lot of time away from my family (because I follow so many) and I've come to a point where I am not ok with that anymore. The reality is I know I'm not gonna wish years down the road that I spent more time on the computer. So there will be times that I need to step away a little bit to be with them.

And thanks to those who have stuck with me through everything.


Monica said...

I'm in the middle of angie's book too and have sobbed several times and it brought all the memories back. Take all the breaks you need. xoxo

Bree said...

I've stepped away a bit, as well. But, it's good to hear from you. I'm glad you got to visit Carleigh today. xo

Trennia said...

I have noot read the book but I think I am going to buy it.
I know somedays are easier then other's,then we get those days that we wish we stayed in bed.So sorry

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Love you...

AKD said...

You take all of the time you need, whenever you need it. That's the great thing about other babyloss mamas - they understand that sometimes it's just too much.

Hugs to you, Holly. I'm so glad you got to be with Carleigh today.

Jill said...

I have the book, but I haven't started to read it yet. Thanks for the heads up that I will need tissues and not to read at work! :)

Heather said...

I've also backed off a little. There was a time when I needed to read blogs all the time, but Im past that now, and you are right, it does take time away from family and other things. You do what is best for you and your family.

I'm glad you got to visit Carleigh today, and I hope you enjoy reading the rest of Angie's book. I haven't ordered it yet, but plan to do so!

littleharves said...

i think that 'nice' crying is cleansing, melancholic, healing, missing you tenderly tears. thats why it feels nice. xxx anne

Sarita Boyette said...

I thought about Carleigh today, that she would have been 13 months old. I can certainly understand you stepping away for your own sake. Just wanted to tell you how much Carleigh's story has meant to me and how it has helped me on my LONG grief journey.Glad you got to visit her today and spend some quiet time at the cemetery.Holly, you are an inspiration to me and I know to MANY others. God bless you.

Kristie said...

Holly, believe me when I say I completely understand. When we were moving, I had no internet for three days, and I really enjoyed it. I really liked being disconnected sometimes. It's okay to do what we are doing, reaching out, ministering to each other, but I have begun to realize that, the terrible truth is there will always be an endless flow of women coming into this community. And though we help a few, we could never help all. And I don't think God expects us to. I think God wants us to do the best we can with what He has given us, (even in time management) and family, and our relationship with Him are also a very high priority.

I hate to say that there will always be more women who are forced into this group we're in, but there will only ever be one relationship with God for us, and only one family for us. So, you know, you have to listen to that still small whisper, do what's right according to how God is leading you, and come and go when you feel led too, not by obligation. That's no way to live, no way to be stuck.

We are blessed when you are available, and we miss you when you need to go, but knowing you are doing what is right for your heart, your family, that's honorable too. Lovingly in Christ, Kristie

Michelle said...

I think what you are doing is the right thing. You are such an inspiration to me..... I hope I too can bee in your place one day. (((HUGS)))

stitchndeb said...

I love how songs come on the radio right when you need them!! That happens to me a lot too. ~Debbie

Jess said...

Glad you got to spend some special time with Carleigh today, and that overall things are going so well. I really want to get Angie's book soon, I know it will be great! I have been really encouraged from the story of Lazarus this year too, so I'm anxious to read what she has to say!

As far as stepping away a bit from blogging, I completely understand, and it's a great example that you're following the Lord's leading. I have felt all along that I wish I could blog/comment more, but because I have two boys and home school, I just have to find a way to balance all of it. However frequent or infrequent you are on, you are always an encouragement to so many, and God has already used you, Carleigh, and Jordan's stories so much and will continue to do so via the internet, as well as in your personal life!!
You're a great mommy to your little ones, and a great friend to many! Blessings!!!

croleyc69 said...

I thought of Carleigh today so much. I think of her a lot and you and your family. You have touched my life in a great way and my children. We love you.
I can understand being away. I have lots going on all the time and here lately I feel behind. I do have 4 active kids but I also need time to. Will miss you but will always be glad to hear from you anytime.
Glad you were able to visit Carleigh today. Thanx for the heads up on the book. I want to get it but I cry over everything it seems.
{{HUGS}} and prayers always my friend
Love ya

Linda said...

Sweet Holly...there is a time for every purpose under heaven.

It's ok to step back for awhile, and to re-group.

You have been through so much...and 13 months is a short time to have experienced so much.

You worked so hard to help people who have had losses. Your heart reaches out to so many.

You will never forget Carleigh or replace her...or move on without her. She will always be there in your heart and mind.

Our grandchildren, (Samuel, Josiah, and Anna), are always with us in our hearts even though they are in heaven.

You are precious to us...and to God.

Love, Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

Anonymous said...

You need to do what is best for you. *hugs*

Yaya' s Home said...

My prayers are with you. Your story has touched my heart. God bless.

~ Yaya
Yaya's Home

Just Breathe said...

I am so glad that Kelly was able to help you. I spend allot of time each day reading the blogs of baby lost mothers and some days it is just too hard on me. I can't always comment but I do read. My heart gets very heavy and I find that some of my fears of losing loved ones gets excellerated in my mind. I think that taking a break and being with your family is an excellent idea. God Bless You.

Stephanie said...

I don't think there is anything wrong with stepping away for a bit. I have always felt that Vayden's story is best meant for LUTO mom's the women who will sadly come after me, and will have a true real heartfelt story to read, something I didn't really get. The women that come across Carleigh's story when they are given such a fatal diagnosis will be able to do the same, see a true heartfelt heart warming story that will insipire them to carry to term and also do it proudly. You should be very proud, and if it's time to step away, you have nothing to be sorry about. You've done your great deed

Courtney said...

I too have had to take time and just step away. I use to blog everyday and now am lucky to do it a couple of times a week. You do what you need to do hon. We are all here for you and support you!!!


Nan & Mike said...

Sweet Holly, as you can see most of us have needed breaks, so yes, please do whatever you need to do.
The radio always seems to play things when we need them huh!
Sending big hugs xxx

Kari @ p.s. said...

Thank you for this post today! As I'm reading about your time after work I realized that we were listening to Klove at the same time because I remember hearing Love Never Fails and then a while later Amy Grant's new song. I'm glad you laid there and let the sun hit you on the freshly cut grass as you spent time with Carleigh!

Christie said...

I'm just so amazed at the grace you have shown through your journey. Thank you for being such a strong example. And I completely understand your desire to be with your family. I feel that tug at me a lot too. We can't get these times back so enjoy them as much as you can.

Just Breathe said...

You are a beautiful Mother. ((HUGS))

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