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The following is a guest post I did for my friend Stephanie at Girl of Grace exactly a year ago on her blog. I thought I would share it here.
There are certain moments you always remember. They are life-changing moments. There are times when these moments shift our whole world.
I still remember the exact moment when this happened to me. It was the day I was told my daughter wouldn't live.
Shock. Devastation. Sadness. How could this happen? How are we going to make it through this? How could God let this happen? Why us? Even amongst all the turmoil in my mind and my heart, I trusted God. People have wondered how I could do that-how I could have so much faith facing such a huge trial? All I know is that I didn't have any answers so I looked to the One that I knew did.
Waiting for the birth of my daughter was a sacred time where both grief and joy were intermingled. It was a time in my life that I felt closest to God. Perhaps it was because I was carrying a child destined for Heaven while God carried me. I cherish that time so much. I cherish each moment God gave me to mother her.
Another shift in our world came when Carleigh was born. I prepared as much as I could for her birth but no amount of preparation could have been enough for what it felt like in that room. There was a peace that surpassed any understanding that surrounded us. I always envisioned angels in the room escorting our daughter to Heaven as we waited to even meet her. What a beautiful sight our eyes couldn't see. I have said before that Heaven felt so close when she was born.
Those moments of carrying and holding my daughter I will keep with me forever. I never thought a little girl of 3 lbs 15 oz who never even took a breath in this world could impact my life so greatly, but she has. She changed everything I thought I knew as a person, a wife, and as a mother. She changed me for the better.
This road has been both broken and beautiful. I have endured intense heartache and intense love. Was it worth it? Absolutely, even just for one moment.
14 comments:
Good post Holly...I remember feeling so many of the same feelings that you mention here in your post, when we got the news that our grandson Samuel would not live...and that he had anencephaly. He did live 13 days...and then when he died in Lynnette's arms on the 13th day I was there with them, and I did feel that overwhelming peace, and also the presence of God in that room. At that point, it was the closest I had ever felt to God...and it was such a beautiful experience. Bittersweet indeed...but worth every minute of sorrow. My heart goes out to Stephanie in her recent loss...and to all of the other woman who have lost their babies, or children. As we went on to lose another baby grandson Josiah...and then our 6 yr. old granddaughter Anna...God's peace was there with us all each time. We will miss them forever, and never forget them...and we look forward to the time we will be with them in heaven. And for now as we walk our paths without them we bask in the grace of God...who is our strength! Love, Momma Linda
Holly, this is so beautiful! Love you. xoxo
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