D-Day…..2 years later

On this day 2 years ago it was supposed to just be a routine ultrasound. Everything was supposed to be fine and at first it seemed that way. But then I got the call.....

"There's something concerning on the ultrasound....."

I knew something was wrong but I didn't believe it would be something fatal. It had crossed my mind that it could be, but I didn't think it would happen to us. Well, it did.

I only have 3 ultrasound pictures from that day and none of her face. I got one of her legs and feet where she is crossing her legs, a picture of her foot, and the one below. I like this picture because she has her hands clasped together and it looks like she is praying.

I've wrote several posts about this day that I've read over again today. The day it happened, my memory of the day, Anthony's perspective, and one year later. Reading these brings it back so fresh. I hope that I never have to live another day like it ever again.

~~~~~

I wasn't sure how today was going to be. As we all know, grief is pretty unpredictable but I assumed that I would get through it fine. I assumed wrong. It still hurts 2 years later.

I had just arrived at work early this morning (it was almost 5 am) and was sitting in my truck for just a few minutes before I went inside. I had switched the radio to a channel I don't usually listen to and a song came on I haven't heard in a long time. Once the chorus started playing that was all it took to bring on the tears. (To listen to it click here.)

If you get there before I do

Don't give up on me

I'll meet you when my chores are through

I don't know how long I'll be here

But I'm not gonna let you down

Darling, wait and see

And between now and then til I see you again

I'll be lovin you, love me

These words are just so fitting. And they make me cry.

This year has been harder than last year. I don't know why. It doesn't make sense. It's supposed to be easier to handle 2 years later but it's not. The events of this day have been playing in my head over and over again. I don't understand why it had to be this way or why it had to be our baby. Only God knows why and I'm trusting in Him that there's a greater purpose. I can say I have seen the good that has come out of my daughter's death-the effect it has had on people-and it makes me proud. Not of myself, but of my daughter. I'm proud of what she has done and the gift she has left behind.

~~~~~

I stopped by the cemetery after work. It was peaceful and snowy and very glittery with the sun reflecting off all the snow. I didn't stay too long but long enough to visit, tell her that I missed her and loved her, and leave her a little message in the snow on top of her grave.

Love you always, Carleigh. ♥