Wednesday, December 15, 2010

D-Day…..2 years later

On this day 2 years ago it was supposed to just be a routine ultrasound. Everything was supposed to be fine and at first it seemed that way. But then I got the call.....
"There's something concerning on the ultrasound....."
I knew something was wrong but I didn't believe it would be something fatal. It had crossed my mind that it could be, but I didn't think it would happen to us. Well, it did.
I only have 3 ultrasound pictures from that day and none of her face. I got one of her legs and feet where she is crossing her legs, a picture of her foot, and the one below. I like this picture because she has her hands clasped together and it looks like she is praying.


I've wrote several posts about this day that I've read over again today. The day it happened, my memory of the day, Anthony's perspective, and one year later. Reading these brings it back so fresh. I hope that I never have to live another day like it ever again.
I wasn't sure how today was going to be. As we all know, grief is pretty unpredictable but I assumed that I would get through it fine. I assumed wrong. It still hurts 2 years later.

I had just arrived at work early this morning (it was almost 5 am) and was sitting in my truck for just a few minutes before I went inside. I had switched the radio to a channel I don't usually listen to and a song came on I haven't heard in a long time. Once the chorus started playing that was all it took to bring on the tears. (To listen to it click here.)

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be here
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling, wait and see
And between now and then til I see you again
I'll be lovin you, love me
These words are just so fitting. And they make me cry.
This year has been harder than last year. I don't know why. It doesn't make sense. It's supposed to be easier to handle 2 years later but it's not. The events of this day have been playing in my head over and over again. I don't understand why it had to be this way or why it had to be our baby. Only God knows why and I'm trusting in Him that there's a greater purpose. I can say I have seen the good that has come out of my daughter's death-the effect it has had on people-and it makes me proud. Not of myself, but of my daughter. I'm proud of what she has done and the gift she has left behind.
I stopped by the cemetery after work. It was peaceful and snowy and very glittery with the sun reflecting off all the snow. I didn't stay too long but long enough to visit, tell her that I missed her and loved her, and leave her a little message in the snow on top of her grave.
IMG00226 IMG00228
Love you always, Carleigh. ♥


{:miss v:} said...

I'm so sorry it's still so painful. I can't imagine that kind of pain and I pray the Lord gives you peace today and that your wonderful memories of your precious daughter will shine through the hurt.

tomandcheryl said...

Ugggh! I am so sorry! I can't believe it's only been 2 years. Not that I knew you "before" but I feel like I have read your blog(s) forever.
Thinking about you and your family today.

JenJen said...

Missing her with you today ((hugs))

Lily has been gone for 28 months and there are still times that I am overwhelmed with the grief and how much I miss her. I know all blms wonder "why us and why our baby." Sadly, it's an answer that we won't receive down here...

Karin said...

Before I saw FB today, you were on my heart. I knew "the day" was a bit before Christmas, and I've been praying for you.

I've been feeling similary about Christmas this year. The first Christmas without my babies was sad, but I think I was still numb from the miscarriage a few weeks earlier. This year, it just hurts. No, the grief doesn't go away.

Jill said...

Missing and loving Carleigh with you!!

Monica said...

Holly, I'm so sorry it's been rough. I'll never understand why either and it's hard to live with that fact. Big hugs.

MommyIvy said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you Holly. ((Hugs))

Sarita Boyette said...

Oh, Holly, I'm so sorry Carleigh had a fatal condition. I wish she were still with you. Like you said, the Lord knows why. Much good has come from Carleigh's story - but my heart hurts for you and with you that this day has come once again and sad memories come with it. You will be in my prayers.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Holly, my thoughts and prayers are with you always. I am so sorry. I love that you visited her and left her a message in the snow. ((HUGS))

Jennifer said...

I am so sorry that today has been so difficult. I'm praying for you sweet friend. Sending hugs!xoxo

Mattie said...

All I can do is send you big (((Hugs))).

Crystal Theresa said...

((huge hugs)). i wonder if it's a harder because more of the shock has worn off? i wish we didn't have to meet this way. praying for you and Carleigh. I'm sure she loved your snow message.

mary said...

je suis désolée pour la journée difficile, je suis certaine que votre fille a reçu votre message, j'espère que les prochains jours seront plus dans la paix et la tranquilité...

Anonymous said...

I imagine it never stops hurting. A lady at my work who lost her 3 year old in a car accident told me the 2nd year was hardest for her, too.

Sending lots and lots of hugs!

Kari said...

This was a nice post. I'm sorry that it's been a harder year. I can't imagine it ever being easy. I was thinking about you the other day when I realized it was December that you had found out about Carleigh. The photo of her headstone in the snow is beautiful.

croleyc69 said...

I'm sorry it was harder. Sending {{BIG HUGS}} from us.

Caroline & my Gang !!! <3

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you Holly. I love your message that you left for Carleigh. <3

Claudia y Gerardo said...

Hi Holly, I also lost my baby, Luis Angel, due to anencephaly two months ago. I was 33 weeks pregnant when his heart stopped beating. I was devastated because since I learned about his condition the only thing I prayed God for was to see my beautiful Angel alive. But God had a different plan for my baby; I think he needed a new angel sooner, another Angel like your little Carleigh. Today, I was a little bit sad, too. But, after reading your blog, I had just remembered God’s promise to let me see my baby again. I know God has a lesson for me to learn before I can see my Angel again. And until then, I have to be strong because I know the pain is NEVER going to go away.
Yes Holly, we need to cry, but we also need to remember that our babies are okay where they are. They are now healthy, happy, and waiting for us. I’m sure they want to see us happy, too. Smile 
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I hope you feel better soon.. big hugs.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I don't think it really does get easier when we remember those moments. No matter how many times I share our story, there are certain parts that just take me back to that time and place...feeling the feelings of those dark moments.

Sorry it has taken me so long to get over and read this. Not blogging that much lately...or reading. But, you are always in my heart and in my prayers.

Love to you...

Jennifer Ross said...

This post just made my eyes fill completely with tears. I wish that I would have read it a couple of days ago.

Holly, I'll never forget your sweet girl. She has touched my life and will continue to touch others too.


Radiant Readhead said...

I started to cry reading this!! Carleigh AND you have been such an inspiration. Think of all the lives you and her have touched and helped in similar situations (mine included). I don't know what I would have done without your guidance and friendship, and without Carleigh, it would have never been. I wish I could say our paths would have crossed without these tragedies, but that is most likely not the case, so I am happy that such a good thing came out of our devastating losses. However, it def does not comfort me knowing that it hurts just as bad if not worse this second year....i would have thought it would be easier....i guess it never gets easier!
Hugs Holly, and I am sending heavenly kisses to Carleigh<3

Betty said...

Ouch. And I'm so sorry. That's about all I can say. It's so frustrating when you are expecting things to get better and it just gets worse. I think of Carleigh all the time, and I'm sure you've heard this before, but I think Lainey looks so much like her. So much. Sending prayers and uplifting thoughts your way.

With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) Your sweet Carleigh is never far from mt heart or thoughts.

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