Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A year since our world changed

Just one year ago today our lives forever changed.

It was the day we learned our daughter wouldn't live. It was the day we were given a fatal diagnosis called anencephaly. It was the day when our world came crashing down. It was the day when we picked up the pieces of our shattered lives and moved forward intent on making the most of the time we had left with her.

I didn't know how the day would go starting out. Originally I had down to take this day off of work but changed it last week. I ended up leaving work early anyway as we were slow and I had a few things to send out in the mail.

As soon as the clock hit 1 pm that's when I started reliving it all. It began with my ultrasound, getting the call, the diagnosis, and the moments following. I even did a play by play on FB just so that I could write down when each moment happened. (Thank you to everyone for your comments and support.) I was ok through it all, but now not so much.

Since putting Kyndra to bed, I've sat here and listened to I Will Carry You by Selah over and over. It's a song that I listened to many times the days following her diagnosis. I felt the music and the words and I felt the tears burning in my eyes. The words were true then and they are still true now. I will forever carry my daughter, long beyond this empty cradle. This day a year ago I carried her in my womb but today I carry her in my heart.

One of the parts in the song that actually makes my heart joyous is the part where it talks about God showing her pictures of time beginning and walking her through the parted seas. The angels singing her sweet lullabies and then saying who could love her like this? While I truly believe that no one on this earth could love my daughter as much as I love her, I also know that God loves her so much more. It can be hard to grasp because I love my daughter very, very much and to think that God loves her even more than I do?

It's quite possible I will cry myself to sleep tonight. I am going to take her fuzzy, pink blanket to bed to sleep with. It doesn't smell like her anymore but just knowing that she was wrapped in it from when she got her bath in the hospital until we laid her in her casket is enough for me. It's been many months since I have done this but tonight I need it.

40 comments:

Mary said...

Holly. What a hard, heavey day. I know it is difficult to relive it, but sometimes you just can't help but walk the road again. It hurts, and yet is therapuetic. Praying for you this evening. Go ahead and cry.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, Holly, that you had to endure this grief of Carleigh's diagnosis and her passing. I pray that God will surround you as you hug the fuzzy pink blanket and give you comfort.
Blessings, Sarita

Missing Kasey said...

Thinking of you ((hugs))

kcrussellphotography said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jodi Lansink said...

Thinking of you....and just to let you know, I sleep with Jillian's blanket under my pillow every night.....it is a comfort to me.

kcrussellphotography said...

I do not understand the pain of being given a diagnosis and choosing so bravely to carry your child. I only know the pain of being told that your child has already passed and you need to deliver. I can't imagine how you would prepare for her birth or any of the events that would follow. I am so very sorry that you had to endure such pain. I have been reading your blog for about a month now. I think you are incredibly strong. You write so well, and even though some of your posts are hard to read (because they make me cry) I read them anyways. I will say a prayer for you tonight, that God would wrap His arms around you and show you the love that He has for you and Carleigh. Blessings to you and (((BIG HUGS)))

-kc

Karen said...

Holly,

You are in my thoughts and prayers. May God comfort you and bring you peace.

Blessings,
Karen

Nickel Pickle said...

((hugs)) today is a hard day for sure. D-day is when our grief starts..Thinking of you.

Trisha Larson said...

You made it through. This was a big one and you made it through.

Tomorrow is a new day with new hope and new light. I pray that it will be a "blue sky" day.

Even if it's not...I'm still walkin' it with you.

Hugs,
Trisha

Jennifer Bovee said...

I'm not sure if you remember me from Cafemom but we were both in the 'Due in April' group when you found out about Carleigh's diagnosis and I remember how heart-wrenching it was. I have been following your blog and praying for you ever since then. I'm sorry that the significance of today is weighing so heavily on your heart. You are an amazing woman, and a wonderful mother. Thank you for sharing yourself and Carleigh with all of us. I pray that you will find comfort at the feet of the Lord, and that He would heal your broken heart so you may find peace. God bless you and your family this Christmas season.
Jenn Bovee

Shannon said...

About nine years ago we had a stillborn baby and it is naturally still a burden. Thank you for sharing your life and your loss.
Love, a friend
Shannon

croleyc69 said...

Thinking of you ever so much, your a awesome and strong Mommy. Saying a prayer for you always and the days after. We all love you Holly. {{HUGS}}
Caroline

Kelli with Love said...

My throat is knotted and my eyes are teary...I'm so sorry, Holly. What an awful day. Oh, I just hope you dream of her all night long. Love and hugs and prayers sent your way.

Jacie said...

((hugs))to you Holly and your family. Aidens blanket isnt starting to smell like him either,but you saying it doesnt matter because she was wrapped in it made me change my mind about me being sad,because your right.Thank you,and I will be thinking about you :) Love,Jacie and Baby Angel Aiden xoxo

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

Oh Holly, I followed your Facebook posts today and they truly broke my heart. What an amazing mother you are to have chosen to carry Carleigh to full term without batting an eye. I believe I would have done the same, but I'm sure I would have hesitated due to the shock and disbelief. It is hard to believe God loves our babies more than we do, but it's comforting. Thinking of you and praying for you tonight and on through these difficult milestones to come.
xo
Ashley

Mom Putnam said...

Thought of you all day my dear daughter and wanting to hold you and cry with you. You sleep with the blanket and bear every night if it helps you through the journey, there is nothing wrong with that. You are a remarkable strong woman and it makes me so proud of you when I read how you have touched other lives. love and kisses your way.

HappyascanB said...

Lifting you up in prayer, sweet one. . . . I heard Mandesa's song "Broken Hallelujah" just this morning while working out. And right then, in the gym, on the stair master, God laid on my heart that someone I knew was hurting. It was you. I just know it. Praying God will fill your heart with a Broken Hallelujah. Love love.

lost--for--words said...

Oh Holly ((hugs)) My thoughts are with you... This was also around the same time of year that we had our second u/s with Freja, and nothing 'abnormal' was seen. I hope that you can find some joy in Christmas, but it must be so hard remembering what last year's was like with the devistating news you had just received.
I hope you held Carleigh's blanket extra tight last night. I bought a 'my first Christmas' teddy bear for Freja's grave but I found myself unable to part with it.. so I held onto it the other night while I fell asleep.

Andrea said...

Although it hurts, we sometimes need to take that walk down memory lane once again. I took one last night and cried those tears you talk about. These days are so hard, but we emerge from them with a greater resilience and greater LOVE of the children that remain in heaven and within our hearts.

Grief coupled with a holiday and a new baby can be quite overwhelming sometimes. So, I send you love and prayers...lotts of love and many prayers to you our Angel on Earth :)

I'll be thinking of you...

Love to you,
Andrea

MommyIvy said...

I am so sorry Holly. I will continue to pray for you throughout the holidays. If you ever need to talk I am always available.

Just Breathe said...

I'm so sorry that you have to relive this day in your mind and heart all the time. My prayers are with you always. ((HUGS))

My Very Own Angel said...

I'm so sorry this day was rough for you. My d day hasnt come yet and I imagine it will be harder than the day he left us. But trust me Holly you are so brave and strong. This day last yr, this yr and every yr to come could be view so differently it could have been the last time you saw sweet Carleigh via u/s screen. Your amazing and the fuzzy pink blanket sounds like it's a pefect comfort item. Love you

Betty said...

hugs

Heather said...

Oh, Holly. I know it hurts. As I read this, I bawled my eyes out because I remember all too well my own mid-pregnancy prognosis. I am thinking of you and of Carleigh - I just wish you didn't have to endure this.

Bree said...

I'm so sorry I'm chiming in late, Holly. What a difficult day you must have had. I sleep with Ella's blanket every night. I hope Carly's blanket brought you comfort last night. So wishing she was in your arms instead. Big, big hug, friend.

Mary Ellen said...

I hope that sleeping with Carliegh's blanket gave you some comfort. I have been praying for you this week.

Yaya said...

(((HUGS)))

April said...

oh Holly. What a beautiful post to remember Carleigh. I do listen to that song on my itunes playlist and while I have not walked your road... those same words do hit me deep in my heart. SO nice that you have Carleigh's blanket.

Hugs holly

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Holly, and wanting you to know that I care...

love,
Holli J

Diona Tan said...

Thinking of you Holly... ((hugs))

Jessica Frederick said...

Dear Holly,

Carleigh was a precious sweet soul and it aches to be separated from her. I think memories of the 'diagnosis day' are particularly more heart-wrenching than any other. My heart is heavy for you. God understands your pain and He is carrying you as He collects every one of your tears in a bottle. Love, Jessica (Lily's mom)

Jess said...

What an incredibly difficult and heart-wrenching day for you to relive yesterday. My heart aches for you just thinking about it. I hope you were able to sleep last night, and I'm sure it's still heavy on your heart, and will be through this Christmas season as you think back to last year. I am praying for you, for an extra measure of God's comfort, strength, and grace. I will carry you is just such an amazing, beautiful song, and such a comfort to think "who could love her like this?" But I agree, sometimes it's hard to imagine how great God's love is, because we just love our girls so deeply ourselves!
Big Hugs!!

Once A Mother said...

Oh Holly, what a difficult day to endure. I know what you mean about the Selah song. It has brought me much comfort through this loss. Sending you so many prayers for peace as you make it through this night with a heavy heart.

Karen said...

Love'n prayers from a wakeful bereaved mother in Canada. Sending you (((hugs))) and thinking of your Carleigh.

Shannon said...

Holly,
I am so sorry. As others have posted, I can't relate to your exact circumstances. Even when we can, we all grieve and deal with things so differently. Although the day has passed, my heart is with you.

Here's to 2010... :)

Henninger Family said...

I thought of you all night and prayed for comfort to help you sleep. The anniversaries are so hard...continuously thinking of you and praying for you!

Misty said...

Praying you made it though... And loving you every step of the way. Our day is January 15th, if i remember correctly. Beautiful, heartbreaking post, Holly!!

Jennifer Ross said...

I read your posts and it broke my heart. I never wrote about this in my blog, but December 16, 2008 was my scheduled c-section with Isaiah. While I sit here and read about your heartache, I relive my own just a year prior, on that same day. Who knew that we both were grieving our children on the same exact day.? I cried the whole entire day. I walked up to Isaiah's grave in 14 degree weather. I was a complete mess! I was due on Christmas day. I never wrote about that either, I might just have to. I don't know. I have just had such a rough time lately. It seems to get harder for me every month. I don't mean to write all about my "problems." I'm just glad that we all have each other to talk to and lean on. I'm glad that we are friends. God Bless.

Jenny

April said...

Thinking of you...
I wanted to let you know that tomorrow I am changing the URL of my blog. I will be changing it to ourbrokenhearts.blogspot.com
I'm changing it because certain paople read my blog that I don't think should be reading it, because of the content. Just thought you might still want to follow!

Christy said...

I am so sorry you had such a reminiscing day. I wish you peace to get through this rollercoaster. Know we are here with you to lean on...

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