Monday, February 16, 2009

30 weeks

Well, I've hit the big 3-0. No, not age-wise if that is what you were thinking. I've hit 30 weeks into my pregnancy with Carleigh. 30 WEEKS! I actually turned 30 weeks on Friday so I'm more 30 1/2 weeks now. I only have 9 1/2 weeks left until I reach my due date of April 24. It's crazy how time has flown by since Carleigh's diagnosis. Time decided to speed up to take precious time away from my daughter and me. Well, that may not be really true but it sure feels like it.

Reality is really starting to hit. The odds are I'm not going to be able to take my daughter home. I pray often that I am one of those rare cases where my daughter gets to live for months. It's a long-shot but I know God can make anything possible. I would be grateful for even a few days! Kind of a mixed blessing it would be. For one, I would get to spend more time with my daughter but I imagine it would be even harder to let her go. I would give anything so that she wouldn't die. Why does she have to die? It's not fair. I know God never promised us life would be easy or fair but can I stomp my feet and throw a fit anyway? I'm sure no one will hold it against me, not even God.

12 comments:

Christie said...

My husband told me once that it wasn't our place to question God. I said I fully believe that we can at least ask him why. And I think that God would expect us to ask why and expect us to be hurt or mad. Why else would he give us these feelings?

I don't blame you one bit wanting to stomp your feet and throw a fit. And God will be there to pick you up and comfort you afterward, just like any loving Father. (aggiechristie from cafemom)

Misty said...

Of course He won't Love. After all, He gave up His Son, too.

I share many of your feelings.... My section will be scheduled early May. I'm looking at about 10 weeks now, too..... **sigh**

Ashley said...

I'm a firm believer in God has a bigger plan for Carleigh and your family. However, at the same time I think you are totally fine in questioning why. Anyways I was just checking in on you all! It's been a crazy few days around here... by the way your belly looks absolutely darling!!!

Amy said...

I don't know you personally, Holly, but I guess you can consider us sisters in Christ. I attend Findlay First and have been following your blog daily and have been praying for you, Carleigh, and your family earnestly. I saw you post about questioning God and I just had to encourage you! When I was going through a very difficult time a few years ago (although it pales in comparision to your situation), I struggled with the same thing. I'd always been raised to not question BUT my pastor at the time told me something incredible that I had never thought of. He asked me if Jesus had ever sinned. I replied, Of course not. He then asked me why it was OK for Jesus, who was God incarnate, to ask "My God, My God, WHY have you forsaken me" (Matt. 27:46) when He was on the cross and why it supposedly isn't OK for us to ask the same question when we are simply humans? WOW! Isn't that incredible? I never got an answer to why I was going though so much pain, but just feeling the freedom to ask brought me so much healing. I know someday I will get the answers to why - probably not in this life but in heaven.
I hope you are encouraged by Pastor Dan's words as I was.
Continuing to pray for you!
Amy

Brooks said...

I think that God is your Father and he loves you. So he knows that this is hard and there's nothing wrong with throwing a "blog tantrum". If anything, He's given you an awesome outlet for your feelings. AND that outlet has inspired everyone who's read it. Awesome. PS CONGRATS ON WEEK 30! Yay!

Betty said...

He knows exactly what you are going through...he gave his baby up too. Go ahead and stomp, jump up and down, and whine all you want. If anyone has a right to you do. Her life has not been in vain, remember that. She has touched so many people in her short months in your belly. time always flies by when we least want it to. Keep praying and have faith...God can do anything he wants, and if it is in his will you will get your months with Carleigh. But dont get too mad if you dont...he has his reasons. I know you know all that though. Some times it just helps to hear again. You are in our prayers...all of you! Just keep thinking that in just 9 1/2 weeks you can hold that little angel in your arms!

Lora said...

Holly I can not imagine what you and Anthony are going through. My heart breaks for your family. I am lifting you and your family up everyday. I say frequent prayers throughout the day for Carleigh. Yes it is ok to be angry and stomp if you need to. A few years ago when I got sick I was very angry at God. I could not understand why he allowed me to get a very rare illness that I could die from. I have learned that no matter what I go through God is right there helping me through it. It is not for us to understand why your family has to go through this. Just know that God will never leave you and you have many many people praying for all of you. We love you and are here to support you in every way that we can.

Lora

Anonymous said...

Holly you stomp your feet and you throw as many fits as you need! I know that you love God dearly and so does he. You questioning why does not change that. Just so you know if you do throw fits and if all of this throws you down God is not the only one that will be there to catch you. We are all here for you too. I would gladly catch you! I am praying for you everyday and I think about you every second! You are an amazing Christian, Mother, Wife, Daughter, And Sister!!!!! I could not be more proud of anyone as I am of you! I love you and I will continue to pray for you! Give my sweet little niece a hug and kiss for me... And rub that cute little belly for me!!! Love, Chantel

Anonymous said...

Holly, you were there when I moved home from Kentucky back to Carey in 2000. I was broken in so many ways and you would not believe the amount of foot stomping, yelling and tears I went through before our God. He still loves me and I think it was after the fits I was exhausted and cried out enough to hear and feel his presence most. So - stomp away! I love you, girl! ~Dawn

Anonymous said...

Honey--my heart hurts for you and I know as time gets closer, it will be harder but know that God is with you ALWAYS, and he hears your every prayer, and sees your tears. I am here for you whether it be a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. I Love you Forever.
Mom Putnam

Dave and Shana said...

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. What ever you have to do to grieve, God will understand. I have questioned God many times since I gave birth at 30 weeks. Take your own time to grieve and God will see you through it. I'm praying for your family and your baby.

Anonymous said...

My sister lost 2 precious babies to this very same thing. Back then, ultrasounds were not something they did very often. She found out the day he was born. A healthy baby followed, then another child was found to have the disease early in the pregnancy. Genetic testing revealed that her 2nd healthy daughter had to be a miracle, for her husband carried the gene and the chance of a healthy baby was very very slim if not impossible. Well, with God all things are possible. I applaud your courage and faith through this. I don't know you, but my heart breaks for you. Just know that there is hope. My sister's daughter is now having her second healthy child after being told she should not try to have children. Hold on to hope and hold on tight to God. He will never forsake you.
God bless you and your family as you make this journey no one should have to make.

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