Not long after we got Carleigh's diagnosis I knew I wanted to start preparing for the road that was ahead. At some point we would have to make funeral arrangements for her. Not something a parent ever wants to have to do for their child. It makes it extra cruel when the child you are planning the funeral for is still alive. It's just not right. So I am hoping with this post that it will help those who are in the midst of planning and are wondering what to expect or what to do next.
The first thing I needed to decide was what
funeral home I wanted to go with. I looked up some funeral homes in the phone book and I found 2 I wanted to call. So I made the call to the first one. They were friendly on the phone and sympathetic when I went into small detail of our situation. I had a really good feeling about them so I went ahead and set up an appointment time to meet them. I made the call to the other one and they were definitely not as friendly on the phone and I knew instantly that I would not be going with them. I knew before our meeting with the first funeral home that we had found the one. If you're uncertain about what funeral home you want to go with, take into consideration the courtesy of the staff, the layout of the funeral home, and any amenities they offer.
For our
first meeting with the funeral home we had our pastor come with us for support. It was nice to have him there for us. He also came for our
second meeting but it was just Anthony and I for our
final meeting. It is up to you whether to have a support person present in deciding all the arrangements. When our pastor asked us if we wanted him to come we thought it was a good idea as we didn't know how we would handle everything. He even prayed with us after the meetings. For the first meeting our pastor arrived there before us and let the funeral director know of our situation so that when we got there we didn't need to explain, which was probably good as it may have caused tears. There is so much to go over in planning that it may take more than one visit to the funeral home to plan it all, but if you don't think you can handle several visits then it is ok to do it all at one time.
We gave the funeral director the information about us and our families for the obituary. We decided on what newspapers we wanted the obituary printed. We were asked whether we wanted just the regular wording or a more personal one. We just went with the regular. We decided that we wanted to have a place where memorial contributions could go in lieu of flowers and included that. Later we proofread the draft of the obituary to see if there was anything we wanted changed or added.
We looked through the different memorial cards that they offered. I also looked online to see if I could find anything that I liked. If I did, I could order them plain online and then send them to the funeral home for them to print. I ended up going with one from the funeral home. We decided what we wanted in the card, including a little poem. Some people put pictures in them.
The funeral director went over all the expenses with us. He told us that for babies, transportation and professional services, like embalming, are free. We went over cash advances, which are services the funeral home will do for us (newspaper notices, getting copies of the death certificate, grave marker, cemetery, flowers) and how much they would cost. We chose to take advantage of many of the cash advances so that we had less to worry about.
We were given the option of having the memorial service at the funeral home or at our church. Our funeral home could hold 75-100 people. We weren't sure how many would come to the service so we decided to have it at our church where there would be more room. I'm sure we could've had the service somewhere else besides the funeral home or the church but we didn't have a special place that we would rather have. The funeral director let us choose if and when we wanted to have any visitations. We decided to have one the night before and the morning of the service. The evening visitation was at the funeral home and the morning visitation was at the church.
In deciding on where to have the service we also had to decide when to have it. Our funeral home let us have her service a week after she was born. The funeral director advised us he wouldn't want to wait any longer than that to have it. We wanted to have a weekend service so that more of our family and friends could come to it. Most of them live several hours away. For our funeral home, services on the weekend cost more but that didn't matter to us. We made our service public, but some choose to have a private service with many, few, or no family or friends.
One of the bigger decisions is deciding between burial or cremation. We chose to have a burial. Many families who anticipate moving decide on cremation so they can take their baby with them. We never plan on leaving the area we live so we didn't want to go that route. Anthony and I had to decide on what cemetery we wanted. It was between 2 local ones. I made a visit to each and the choice was very easy for me based upon location, surroundings, and price. I also called both cemeteries to see what the rules (like planting flowers) and hours were for each. We also decided when buying Carleigh's plot to also buy ours. We wanted her to be beside us and this was the surest way to make that happen. Some cemeteries have a babyland where only babies are buried. Ours did not have that but even if they did I don't think I would've wanted to bury her in that section. When buying the plots, I met with the lady who is in charge of the cemetery and she showed me what sections were available and I got to pick out exactly where I wanted us all to be. After we bought the plots, we received the deed to them in the mail.
One of the hardest things to do in planning was picking out a casket. Our funeral director during our first meeting brought out several models, none of which I liked. He let us borrow a catalog that contained a bunch of children's caskets. Caskets can come in copper, wood, steel, particle board, cardboard, plastic, and styrofoam, with copper being the most expensive and styrofoam practically free. In addition to the casket, you will most likely need to select a vault that the casket will be placed in. Many cemeteries require these. Vaults serve to protect the casket (or urns) from outside elements plus keep the ground more stable after burial. We had the choice between a copper and a steel vault and we chose the steel. (Copper is very expensive.) We also chose a steel casket. In choosing our casket, we had to pick out the colors, what material/color would line the inside, paneling, edge design, size, and lid type.
In deciding about her marker, we had to pick between all the colors of granite available. (Besides granite, you could choose to have a bronze marker.) We went with a color called Sunset Red. The black granite is the most expensive. This is the kind that you can laser images on. We chose the style, which was a slanted marker on a foundation. (There are many, many styles to choose from.) We also chose to have a vase off to the side to put flowers in. Some cemeteries may limit you on what you can have for a marker so it is good to check ahead of time with them. The part that took the longest was deciding what we wanted on the marker itself. I took my time with this. We chose the image along with a short saying to put on in addition to her name and her birth date. I looked through a lot of sayings and poems until I found the one I wanted. We were told it would take about 6-8 weeks once ordered for it to be up, but it ended up taking much longer than that.
After Carleigh's birth, we made the
final preparations for her service. We picked out any songs we wanted played and any readings that would take place. We put together the order of how things would go so that things would go smoothly. We went over this with our pastor and he came to our house to do so. It might be good to work out some of these things ahead of time if possible but this is something we waited on.
We also sorted out all the little details. We decided that we wanted an open casket for both the visitation and the service. However, I held Carleigh for both visitations and the service so she was never really in her casket. This is something a lot of people aren't aware that they can do and some funeral personnel may not offer it, but the parents have a right to do so. Our funeral director encouraged us in doing it. After Carleigh's birth, we kept her with us overnight in the hospital. The funeral director let us know that the longer we kept her, the darker she would get and it would be harder to lighten her skin with embalming, but that didn't matter to us. They would've preferred taking her the same day but knew it meant a lot for us to keep her longer. And really, her skin looked pretty great after embalming. It lightened up very well, except for her face, which had a lot of bruising from delivery. In knowing Carleigh would not live long, we arranged that they would pick her up from the hospital. However, the day we were leaving we changed our minds and had it arranged so that we could take her to the funeral home ourselves. Our funeral home had no problem with this and made sure that the hospital knew that it was ok. Anthony and I let them know that we wanted to dress Carleigh in her burial outfit and the funeral director let us know which day we could come and do that. They let us take her out of her casket and gave us as much time as we needed. They let us know we were welcome to come back any time during the week but we didn't. The next time we saw her was at the visitation.
There may be more or less involved with the planning that I mentioned in this post. It can be very individual. I would appreciate it if anyone else who has also experienced planning could add to what I've already written. Thank you!! (I'll add all your suggestions at the end of this post.)
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Read below for additional suggestions/advice from moms (or me just throwing some more things in there) who have planned a funeral for their child. You can read the comments for a more in-depth description and their own experiences.
Danielle has created her own post called
Funeral Planning that talks of her own experience in planning for a funeral.
- When looking at cemeteries, pay attention to how the grounds are kept. Some may be more well-kept than others. Check with the cemetery on how often the grounds are cared for and who is in charge of doing the work.
- Be sure to ask the funeral home if they donate any services in special cases like the death of a baby. You may be surprised at what they will give you for free.
- As a tribute to your baby or babies, you may choose to do something special like releasing doves or butterflies at some point during the service.
- You can give a small gift to those who attend the service so that they will always remember your baby or babies. This gift could be flower seeds, candles, bookmarks, etc.
- It may be a good idea to check into your state's laws and regulations when planning for a funeral. Things may vary from state to state.
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