Not such a good day

Well the day started out good enough but I knew I had to get something done. So later in the afternoon at work when nothing was going on I called to inquire about pre-arrangements for Carleigh's funeral. The first one I called was Fisher & Edgington Funeral Home. I talked to a guy named Brian, who I guess is the funeral director, and he was very nice on the phone. I asked him if they did pre-arrangements for funerals and he said they did and he asked if it was for me. I said no it was for my daughter and you could tell he was sympathetic. He asked what her name was and I told him Carleigh. He then asked about her social security number and I said well.....she hasn't been born yet. He said several times that he was sorry and I could tell he meant it. We made an appointment for Monday, Jan 5 @ 6:15 pm that way Anthony would be able to go. I called the other funeral home in town and they weren't very friendly on the phone. Luckily, the person said that the person who makes the pre-arrangements wasn't there right now and they asked to take my number but I said I'd call back later. I have no intention of calling them back. I did not feel comfortable on the phone w/ them at all and I feel that I have made the right choice of a funeral home.

I was ok for a little bit until I tried to call Anthony and he didn't answer. Then I just started crying. I knew this was going to happen at some point but I guess that now that we actually have an appointment to start planning it's becoming more real. I texted Lindsey that I needed her for a hug. (She was in a different room pumping.) So Lindsey, being such a great friend, tidied herself up to come console me. I probably should've went home since I wasn't ok but it was Dr. Conti's retirement party and I wanted to be there at least for a little bit for it. I'm sure it was pretty obvious to everyone that I was upset and had been crying. I'm guessing the red, swollen eyes probably gave it away. I was ok in the break room til Cathie came up and hugged me and such. That just made me start crying again. I managed to stick it out the rest of the day and now that it's right before bed I'm doing a little better.

A lot of people don't know what to say to me. I can tell. I think people are afraid to mention anything. I don't know if they think they'll upset me and I'll get emotional or what they are thinking. I can understand not knowing what to say b/c I would prolly be the same if the situation had been reversed. What do you say to a woman whose child is destined to die? On the other hand I find it annoying at times that the subject is avoided. If you ignore the situation that doesn't make it go away. Sometimes I do want to talk about it and other times I want to be left alone w/ my feelings. The most difficult thing is that people really don't understand what I am going through. I guess you only really know if you've been in a situation like this. And I have met and talked to several women who have lost their babies not long after birth. I would have to say they have been the most helpful to me.

On another note, on Monday I met with Kathy, who is the manager of Mother Baby Care and told her about my situation. We talked a little bit and she gave me the number for one of the nurses, Monica, who has had training for cases like this. She was going to inform her about my me and whatnot. So next week, I will be calling her to meet with her and probably go over Carleigh's birth plan. This will give her time to get info and such together and also time for me to try and complete Carleigh's birth plan. I've already started on it and I would say it is mostly done. I found a good template on the internet so that has really helped.

I've also been trying to do as much research as I possibly can so that I can be well-informed about anencephaly. Reading facts and statistics help but also the stories of other families who have gone through the same thing. The stories are pretty much a guarantee that I will cry but I've learned probably the most so far from these. I want to have knowledge to make good decision for my daughter. You know what they say....knowledge is power.