3 years from D-Day

Yesterday, December 15, 2011, was 3 years since we received Carleigh’s fatal diagnosis. (In case you are wondering D-Day is what many of us anen mommies call our diagnosis day.)

The day went fine and I actually didn’t think about it too much. I did reflect a little though. While I remember exactly what happened from my ultrasound on, I find it harder to remember all the emotions I was feeling then compared to 2 years ago or even last year. I guess that’s just a part of time moving on. Reading previous posts about that day help to remind me and I’m glad that I wrote it down.

December 15th doesn’t hold the sting that it used to even just 3 years out but I will always remember this day every year it comes around. I could never forget the day our lives changed forever. One moment we were happy and excited about meeting another little girl and the next moment we were devastated that she’d never come home with us. Can you ever completely recover from that?

It still baffles me how well I handled that day. I can’t explain it other than it was a God thing. I should have been a complete mess but I felt covered in calm, even though there were times I felt like screaming and crying. Don’t be mistaken, there were tears. Tears of shattered dreams. Tears for a life that would be cut too short. Tears of a momma’s broken heart. Those tears still fall today for my little girl.

I never imagined when I woke up that morning that my whole world was going to change. But what if I did know? Would I change anything? I don’t think that I would. Changing something would mean changing my daughter and I just can’t imagine that. To me, she is perfect. Many people may not see it, but I see her with a mother’s heart. The love a mother has for her child is one of the deepest loves a woman can experience. I’m glad I got to experience that with her.