Today it has been 9 years since I made the choice to end my pregnancy at the age of 19. I can’t believe that it’s been that long already.
I don’t like thinking about that day very much because it is one of my lowest moments and not something I’m proud of. There’s so many emotions wrapped up in that decision and the aftermath of it. I could never put them all into words adequate enough to show people who have never experienced it what it is like. The whole experience opened my eyes and made me a less judgmental person. I became a girl with a scarlet letter and I still wear it. I’ll always wear it.
I’ve often wished I could go back and make a different choice but then where would I be today? I don’t think I would be who I am right now and I am happy with the person that I am. All of my mistakes have shaped me and while I would adamantly call my abortion the biggest mistake of my life I am torn in wishing I could take it back and finding peace with my decision.
I am in a good place though thanks to the bible study Forgiven & Set Free and God’s healing touch. While I still have regret and guilt, it does not consume me and I am so thankful for that. I remember when I was so weighed down by what I had done and how that felt and I never want to feel like that again. It didn’t feel like me.
No matter how you lose a child, certain things stay with you-certain memories stand out. There is quite a bit that is hazy to me from that time but I’ll never forget walking in and then out of that clinic. I felt shame and relief. Such an odd mix of emotions.
There was a period of time (5 years to be exact) that I tried to forget it even happened, but you can’t push something like that away. I couldn’t forget my baby no matter how hard I tried. It was only after I became a mother to a living baby that I realized my first baby deserved more. My baby deserved a name so I chose the name Jordan Leigh since at that time I did not have a feeling if my baby was a boy or girl so I chose something gender neutral. Jordan most likely would have been born at the end of July.
Today, I think of you, my sweet Jordan, and I’m wishing you a happy birthday in Heaven. I’m sure you were waiting with your arms open wide for your sister Carleigh. I imagine you two up there having so much fun together. I’m just glad you have each other until I can get there too. Mommy loves you.