Monday, December 19, 2011

9 years

Today it has been 9 years since I made the choice to end my pregnancy at the age of 19. I can’t believe that it’s been that long already.

I don’t like thinking about that day very much because it is one of my lowest moments and not something I’m proud of. There’s so many emotions wrapped up in that decision and the aftermath of it. I could never put them all into words adequate enough to show people who have never experienced it what it is like. The whole experience opened my eyes and made me a less judgmental person. I became a girl with a scarlet letter and I still wear it. I’ll always wear it.

I’ve often wished I could go back and make a different choice but then where would I be today? I don’t think I would be who I am right now and I am happy with the person that I am. All of my mistakes have shaped me and while I would adamantly call my abortion the biggest mistake of my life I am torn in wishing I could take it back and finding peace with my decision.

I am in a good place though thanks to the bible study Forgiven & Set Free and God’s healing touch. While I still have regret and guilt, it does not consume me and I am so thankful for that. I remember when I was so weighed down by what I had done and how that felt and I never want to feel like that again. It didn’t feel like me.

No matter how you lose a child, certain things stay with you-certain memories stand out. There is quite a bit that is hazy to me from that time but I’ll never forget walking in and then out of that clinic. I felt shame and relief. Such an odd mix of emotions.

There was a period of time (5 years to be exact) that I tried to forget it even happened, but you can’t push something like that away. I couldn’t forget my baby no matter how hard I tried. It was only after I became a mother to a living baby that I realized my first baby deserved more. My baby deserved a name so I chose the name Jordan Leigh since at that time I did not have a feeling if my baby was a boy or girl so I chose something gender neutral. Jordan most likely would have been born at the end of July.

Today, I think of you, my sweet Jordan, and I’m wishing you a happy birthday in Heaven. I’m sure you were waiting with your arms open wide for your sister Carleigh. I imagine you two up there having so much fun together. I’m just glad you have each other until I can get there too. Mommy loves you.

18 comments:

Kristin said...

Holly, my heart goes out to you and I'm sending hugs your way. I could so relate to this post, for other reasons, but I've done things that I've felt I will always wear that scarlet letter for too. I know your sweet Jordan will be waiting in Heaven with open arms for you too.

Caroline said...

{{{ Hugs }}} Thinking of you so much & remembering <3 Jordan <3 with you. You are such a amazing friend & Mommy. I know Jordan will be waiting with arms open to greet you.

Linda said...

I love you Holly and I think you are a wonderful person, and a great mommy. I am proud of you for all the ways you help people by being honest...and how you care so much for others.

I know that we all wish we could change some things in our pasts...but as you said, we grow and we change...and we learn so much from our mistakes and failings...and that does make us who we are today.

God forgives us when we confess our sins...and he cleanses us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9 But sometimes it is hard to forgive ourselves.

Jordan is definitely in heaven...may we all look forward to eternity with Jesus...and to being with all of our loved ones who have gone there before us!

((Hugs))
Linda

Kelly said...

Holly, you have the most amazing testimony of God's grace in your life. Thank you for sharing your heart!

Tina said...

You are so brave Holly. Hugs to you! xx

Kristi said...

<3 u Holly

HappyascanB said...

You amaze me with the courage, grace, and honesty you have. God is surely using you for His glory! Thinking of you today.

Ashley said...

My heart goes out to you as well. I have had an abortion as well and even though it shaped who I am today, I will forever regret making that decision. What makes it even harder for me is the fact that I have a nephew who was born right around the time my aborted baby would've been born. I look at my nephew all the time and it breaks my heart knowing what I could've had.

(((BIG HUGS))) to you!

Mary said...

Comme vous dites cette histoire vous a faconnée, vos choix auraient été sans doute différents pour carleigh, on peut être que vous seriez sur un chemin complètement différent. Je comprends toutes ces différentes émotions, je trouve que vous faites un travail magnifique en partagant ce là

Amy von Oven said...

Praying for you and ALL God is doing in your life and the voice you have to others!

Jennifer said...

Holly, you are such a strong and amazing lady! I feel like Jordan knows the extent of your love. You have a wonderful testimony my friend. Thank you for sharing! Merry Christmas to you!

Melissa said...

I can only imagine the emotions that come with this day Holly but the thought of Jordan and Carleigh together until you are there for eternity is a good thought to hold onto. Hugs!

brigette said...

Hugs mama! Thinking of you and your sweet babies often. I cant imagine the choices you had to make but am sure you did so for the right reasons. Thank you for your example and all that you have taught and continue to teach me. Love to you always!!

Stacy said...

{{HUGS}}

Karin said...

I think you are very brave to share your story of Jordan. Though it took awhile, I'm sure that is part of what heals your heart, too. You really do honor Jordan in all you do.

elena said...

Because you were willing to share Jordan's story my perspective has changed and I feel I am better for it. Remembering <3 jordan <3 with you!

Sarita Boyette said...

(((HUGS))), Holly. I think you are wonderful for having been so brave to have shared your story. The most important thing is that you are forgiven! All of us are sinners and have things we regret. Little Jordan will be waiting for you in Heaven. xoxo

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I love your heart, my Holly-girl. You are so beautiful, real, and honest. Thinking of you and sweet Jordan. So sorry that I am so behind and just found this...

Love to you...

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