Friday, December 16, 2011

3 years from D-Day

Yesterday, December 15, 2011, was 3 years since we received Carleigh’s fatal diagnosis. (In case you are wondering D-Day is what many of us anen mommies call our diagnosis day.)

The day went fine and I actually didn’t think about it too much. I did reflect a little though. While I remember exactly what happened from my ultrasound on, I find it harder to remember all the emotions I was feeling then compared to 2 years ago or even last year. I guess that’s just a part of time moving on. Reading previous posts about that day help to remind me and I’m glad that I wrote it down.

December 15th doesn’t hold the sting that it used to even just 3 years out but I will always remember this day every year it comes around. I could never forget the day our lives changed forever. One moment we were happy and excited about meeting another little girl and the next moment we were devastated that she’d never come home with us. Can you ever completely recover from that?

It still baffles me how well I handled that day. I can’t explain it other than it was a God thing. I should have been a complete mess but I felt covered in calm, even though there were times I felt like screaming and crying. Don’t be mistaken, there were tears. Tears of shattered dreams. Tears for a life that would be cut too short. Tears of a momma’s broken heart. Those tears still fall today for my little girl.

I never imagined when I woke up that morning that my whole world was going to change. But what if I did know? Would I change anything? I don’t think that I would. Changing something would mean changing my daughter and I just can’t imagine that. To me, she is perfect. Many people may not see it, but I see her with a mother’s heart. The love a mother has for her child is one of the deepest loves a woman can experience. I’m glad I got to experience that with her.

7 comments:

Stacy said...

I love every line in this post! It speaks of my heart for Rachel, too. I've been following your story with Carliegh since Rachel's D-Day. (well, my sister started and would tell me about it when I didn't dare to look on the computer yet) and I have been so blessed to "know" her and you. Thank you for continuing to write 3 years later...it's a blessing to us who are still walking behind you in our loss.

Deanna said...

I think you write better than I ever could. You speak so honestly and I am so glad to have met you. Lots of love to you dear friend.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

((HUGS))

TanaLee Davis said...

thinking of you and Carleigh today as I work in my office. :) Hugs galore and a thousand hopes of your day being helpful and peaceful.
~Felicia

elena said...

Beautiful!

Sarita Boyette said...

(((HUGS))),Holly. I can certainly relate to your life being changed forever that day. I'm just so thankful that you have shared Carleigh with us - her story has touched me in so many ways. I feel like I know all of you - God bless you!

Caroline said...

Beautiful & {{{Hugs}}}

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