Monday, January 24, 2011

The void you can't see

On the outside we look like a perfectly happy family. And don't get me wrong, we are happy....but beneath the surface there's more you can't see. There's missing and hurt and a deep hole.

Today I took Lainey in for her 4 month check-up. As we were sitting in the waiting room a lady came in with her toddler girl and infant son, both babies close in age to my own. She checked in and sat down. I was playing with my girls and she must have been watching as she asks how old Kyndra was and I replied that she was 3. She then starts talking about her children being like 22 months apart and it being the perfect age gap and blah, blah, blah.... I kinda quit listening after her proclaiming it such wonderful spacing. I hope she didn't notice and I hope I didn't appear unfriendly. I just kinda got lost in my own thoughts.

I was thinking that no, it isn't perfect. Perfect would be having another little girl nestled between the two. But she couldn't see that. I was tempted to say something but I didn't. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. Oh, but I was so close. I really was. I did say back to her that Kyndra was really good with her sister, which is true. That was the best I could get out. Luckily, I didn't have to deal with any more because we got called back.

I wish that people could see the missing link in our family. I wish they could see the little girl that still lives in my heart.

There's a void they can't see and nothing can fill it.

25 comments:

Susan said...

Yep. It's there. Forever. And so invisible to those who don't know.

Susan said...

Hmmm...I included some hugs for you, but they were erased... Strange. Anyway....many hugs to you today...

tomandcheryl said...

Holly, It is seen! It is known but unfortunately only to those how have been there. Maybe a few who have been close to that circle but never on the inside of it themselves. It is hard to see! But if one has time to look closely enough Carliegh is there in that void between those two beautiful girls that are here on Earth.
~Cheryl

Mary said...

I have those moments all the time, Holly. Times where I think of Adelle and wish others new. I feel like I get it alot because of the "all boys" comments, and I just want to say...I had a girl! I did!

Karin said...

Yes. I don't know what else to say but yes. And sometimes my heart just hurts. I can't describe it any other way.

Kara said...

Hmmm, Holly - so true. HUGS sweetie!

KnottedFingers said...

Very Very true Holly. Thank you for sharing this

LetterstoClaire said...

This makes me wish I had a tattoo of Claire on my forehead instead of my feet. Then everyone could see!

Jennifer Ross said...

The bereaved "universal void." I feel it at home, in the car, at the boys school, at church, at Wal-Mart...... The list is endless. Good post, I really liked the "blah, blah, blah," part. That's usually how it runs in my head too!

Beautiful pictures of the names in the sand. The purple sky is gorgeous!

The necklace that you bought was so nice too! I'll bet that it looks beautiful on you.

Once A Mother said...

i feel that void every time someone asks if this is our first pregnancy, or we have any little ones at home. i wish there was a way for people to just know. everyone SHOULD know about these amazing little children who graced our lives for too short a time, but live in our hearts and our families forever.

sending love and understanding xx

Debby@Just Breathe said...

((HUGS))

Caroline said...

Lots of {{{HUGS}}} so very true.

mary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mary said...

je suis désolée pour cette situation...
Votre fille est comme un trésor, et comme tout trésor peu de personne connaissent l'endroit ou il se cache...

Melissa said...

ditto the tattoo comment...only for me it makes me want to get one. I think this is one of the reasons I feel naked if I don't have on a piece of jewelry that bares her name.

If only they could see...

big hugs friend!

Trisha Larson said...

My life is full of uncomfortable moments like this too! I typically bring up Nate in some way -- I use any excuse to talk about him. And, if by chance I don't...one of my other kids always does. I'm sure that you'll find that Kyndra will start telling all sorts of strangers about her sister. It's very bittersweet.

Hugs,
Trisha

Lisette said...

I know that feeling too well. I hate it, I wish I didn't exist. I wish I could wear a button or something that will just let people they exist in our hearts forever without having to say a word. ((HUGS))

Shawn and Wendy said...

I cant say I know what its like to have a child go be with Jesus but I am going through some tough struggles & cherishing the moment I get to carry our baby Noah..I am due June 17th 2011...I have had to watch my daughter be sick through her 6 years of life & if it wasnt for the grace of God I would be in a deep hole..Reading storys here on blogspot give me hope & minister to others how God & Faith will get you to the top of the mountain...Wendy

Shawn and Wendy said...

Here is our story http://ourblessedstory.blogspot.com/

lost--for--words said...

Oh I completely understand! I'm still so fearful of these situations that a lot of the time I'd rather just stay home and not have to be faced with it possibly happening. I know I need to work on this... but it leaves such an aweful feeling when I have to choke back the truth...

Jennifer said...

Sometimes, well most times I hate that others can't see the void. It is ever present.

Sarita Boyette said...

There will always be that hole & it is hard to explain to people who haven't been there. I'm sorry you had to listen to that lady as long as you did.xoxo

Shandrea said...

So true and So well said. Sending you Hugs and Lots of Love ;O)

elena said...

I find myself relating with this post so much. I take any chance I can get to let everyone know that we are a family of six not five. I too wish there was a way they could see.

Rebekah said...

Small talk can be anything but small sometimes.

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