Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Ebb and flow

And so it goes.....

Seems like a long time since I really wrote about my grief on here. While it isn't as intense as it used to be, it's still there. (Gasp! You mean I'm not 'over it' yet!? Hardly.) Sometimes things are going really well and I can forget sadness. Days and weeks can pass but it always seems to come back at some point. The most recent for me was on Halloween. We were driving back to the northern region and Anthony was listening to NASCAR on the radio. It wasn't something I really cared to listen to and we couldn't get the wireless headphones in our van to tune in the radio so I pulled out my Blackberry and listened to some music on it.

Whenever I listen to music on my phone I always listen to her playlist. It's a bunch of songs that remind me of her or our journey or just seem to speak to me. A lot of the songs on my phone are below on the playlist on this blog and I'd really like to get them all on there some day. Anyway, I was just sitting and listening and looking out the window. Eventually the words just got to me and it kinda took me back to those times and it made me want to cry. I didn't but I could've. I just thought about her and all of what we've been through since the day we found out she wouldn't live. It's been quite a journey.

Did this really happen to me? Did my daughter really die? Sometimes it doesn't feel real. Her time here was so brief and it just wasn't enough. I don't have enough memories to last a lifetime. There are days when it's hard to remember what she was like and what it felt like to hold her. Damn you time! I have mixed feelings about you. You take me farther away from those moments with her but closer to the day we'll be together again.

I guess I just needed to write a little because ever since that car ride it's been on my mind to get something-anything-out of my head and onto here. Feels good.

31 comments:

Tiffany said...

I relate to you 100% mama. This is something we wont ever be over. It pisses me off when people think Im "over" Genesis' death just because I have boy and girl rainbows now. I can go on to have 20 more kids but none of them will be her.

Michelle Karr said...

I can completely relate! (((HUGS)))

Betty said...

I know how you feel...so short...sometimes it doesnt feel real. I was actually told today that by thinking about her I was letting the devil have a hold in my life because I was "dwelling." I dont see how people can bury babies and then act like they never existed. I'm pretty sure that a heart beat is a life...and when I go to the doctor he says, "Two babies...three pregnancies." Yes...3.

tomandcheryl said...

Just thinking about you and I wanted you to know that! I don't want to try to relate because it wouldn't be fair.
~Cheryl

pennynjon said...

I sometimes feel like that too. Like- was it real or just a dream?((hugs))

Mary said...

I still get so mad at time, and the inevitable forgetting. It seems so cruel that we not only missed a life time with them, but even the little memories we have of them fade. It is unfair, and still hurts...

Shannon said...

I've had people wonder out loud to me how it is that I can still be sad over missing Chaya since I'm pregnant again. I don't understand how they can't understand it. If one of their children were to die, would the fact they have another one take that pain away? NO! You don't "get over" the death of your child, you simply learn to go through your life missing them without letting it tear you apart.

As for what Betty was told...I'm appalled. I wonder if the person who told her that would say the same thing to a widow who's husband died.

It deeply saddens me the lack of understanding and compassion in this world. The only thing that makes me not-so-sad about it is the knowledge that the more this world is lacking in it, the closer we are to going Home.

Sarita Boyette said...

I'm with you on this. I didn't get depressed around Meredith's birthday this year because we were having a party for her and my mind was occupied. But I am feeling down as Christmas gets nearer. Somtimes things out of the blue will trigger my grief - I'm sure all BLMs have had the same experience. I hope blogging about this helped you. (((HUGS)))

Jennifer said...

The death of a child is a life altering thing. It is something that only us who have been here can understand. I know it makes us even more sad to listen to those playlists or go through their things, but we need that sometimes! We need to feel that closeness that we felt when they were here. It is a reminder that they were here because it is so easy to imagine it all a dream. I am glad you have this place to come and get it out! I know blogging has been good like that for me also! Praying as always my friend!

The Blue Sparrow said...

Music does it to me everytime too. (((HUGS)))

Kristin said...

Sending hugs your way, Holly. I cannot of course even begin to imagine what you've had to go through, but when you said that about time.....that was so, so true for those who grieve. I am so thankful that we were created for eternity and not just for this life.

Jaime said...

"Damn you time!" is right.

I despise the time that passes that brings me further away from Claire. I despise that as time passes others think that my pain lessens or is gone. Not gonna happen, folks!

And did this really happen to me too?
Ugh. Unfortunately yes.

I am glad you are able to get your feelings out... even if it is only a fraction of what you are feeling. Release is good.

xo

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

I worry about how having a subsequent baby will affect my emotions. I have tried to keep them at bay for my sanity during this pregnancy, but I look to you mom's who are there or have been there for an idea of how it will be. Of course you're not over it, we never will be. <3 Carleigh <3

croleyc69 said...

I'm glad you blogged about it and got it out. Music gets me a lot and sometimes I try to hide it but it is always there. Somedays and times aren't as bad as others.

{{HUGS}}
Caroline

AKD said...

I totally feel this! Hugs.

Jill said...

I absolutely feel what you are saying. Music can easily trigger my emotions. HUGS!

heathermohr said...

I understand so much...sometimes it doesn't feel real to me either, but then I know that pain that hits from time to time is so very real...

(((hugs)))

Debby@Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) Always have you in my thoughts and prayers.

Karin said...

I understand. It's completely overwhelming when the question of "did this really happen to me?" hits. I think I'll always be trying to comprehend what that means. I appreciate that not all days hurt, but when they do, the hurt is so deep.

Lisette said...

Anything makes me think of her but music especially.
This whole journey doesn't seem real and I really wish it wasn't. Never did I amagine not having my daughter to hold. I don't think we will ever be ok with it, it's not supposed to happen this way. I am sorry Carleigh isn't here with you.
I know people must assume you are better now wince Laney is here but boy is that far from truth. Yes, having her has probably made your life better but still there is part of you missing. I get it, people think now that I am pregnant I am "better." Days are better but in a heartbeat I can be back to feeling the pain.

Tim said...

God Bless you always Holly.

Love and Prayers,

Tim

Jennifer Bovee said...

I think of you often Holly...praying that your heart will continue to heal, but that you will never forget your precious baby.
{{{{Hugs}}}}

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Love you...

Jewls said...

I love your blog! I clicked over from my sister...my little nephew is nearing his 1 year angelversary. Stories like yours always make me sob, but they are so inspirational that I can't seem to stay away! Thanks for sharing your journey, and I know that when you reunite with your precious baby it will be amazing!

klbot99 said...

"You take me farther away from those moments with her but closer to the day we'll be together again."

This statement expressed how i'm feeling so perfectly. Time is cruel, because it takes us further away from our moments with our children, but then again it is also the only thing which heals us.

Once A Mother said...

What a beautiful post. Your words,"Did this really happen to me? Did my daughter really die? Sometimes it doesn't feel real. Her time here was so brief and it just wasn't enough. I don't have enough memories to last a lifetime. There are days when it's hard to remember what she was like and what it felt like to hold her." are like reading my mind. I have been struggling with so many of these same questions lately.
Always remembering with you.
xx

Jennifer Ross said...

This post holds so many truths to my grief too. I go from day to day, and just continue on. I know that I can't sit around and cry all day. It's the music that takes me back. The music represents the words of my heart. When I listen deeply to the words, I get taken back in time...... every single time.....

((hugs))

Jess said...

I can really relate to this post, some days our time with Eliana in this world can seem like a dream, there just wasn't enough time or enough memories, like you said, and that adds a different kind of pain to the initial loss. Other days, a song, the beauty of nature, seeing a little girl the age she would be, can all bring it back so close again and I can almost see her with us. I think we all relate to the ebb and flow...

MommyIvy said...

I am so sorry, Holly. I can relate in a way. It still hits me sometimes, when I realize I should have 3 kids not 2. I never got to know, see, or hold mine.

Kari said...

I'm so sorry. To read your posts makes me realize how much I do take for granted with my children. I think it's neat that you have her playlist on your phone.

elena said...

It definitely can feel so surreal at times. Thinking of you *hugs*

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