And so it goes.....
Seems like a long time since I really wrote about my grief on here. While it isn't as intense as it used to be, it's still there. (Gasp! You mean I'm not 'over it' yet!? Hardly.) Sometimes things are going really well and I can forget sadness. Days and weeks can pass but it always seems to come back at some point. The most recent for me was on Halloween. We were driving back to the northern region and Anthony was listening to NASCAR on the radio. It wasn't something I really cared to listen to and we couldn't get the wireless headphones in our van to tune in the radio so I pulled out my Blackberry and listened to some music on it.
Whenever I listen to music on my phone I always listen to her playlist. It's a bunch of songs that remind me of her or our journey or just seem to speak to me. A lot of the songs on my phone are below on the playlist on this blog and I'd really like to get them all on there some day. Anyway, I was just sitting and listening and looking out the window. Eventually the words just got to me and it kinda took me back to those times and it made me want to cry. I didn't but I could've. I just thought about her and all of what we've been through since the day we found out she wouldn't live. It's been quite a journey.
Did this really happen to me? Did my daughter really die? Sometimes it doesn't feel real. Her time here was so brief and it just wasn't enough. I don't have enough memories to last a lifetime. There are days when it's hard to remember what she was like and what it felt like to hold her. Damn you time! I have mixed feelings about you. You take me farther away from those moments with her but closer to the day we'll be together again.
I guess I just needed to write a little because ever since that car ride it's been on my mind to get something-anything-out of my head and onto here. Feels good.
1 week ago