Thursday, January 28, 2010

10 months

Wow, I've hit the double digits. It's been 10 months since Carleigh's birth. Today the sun actually shined. I honestly can't remember the last time that has happened. It's been so gloomy and cloudy lately with the occasional snow flurry. It was nice to see the sun. It was a bit windy and that put a little bit of chill in the air so I didn't go out to the cemetery to visit her. I thought the wind would've been too much for Kyndra to be out in. I know she would've wanted out of the van if we went. I hope that the weather is somewhat decent on Sunday so that we can go after church. I haven't visited in a couple weeks due to the weather and I'm ready for one.

I got to share Carleigh's story today. I won't go into detail about it right now but it had me reliving the day of her birth. I told it with love in my heart and when I got to the part when she was placed in my arms and my nurse Erin couldn't find her heartbeat I broke down. I remember it clear as day. Anthony had just cut her cord and then she was on my chest. I knew by looking at her that she was gone but I hoped that perhaps she just wasn't breathing but still had a heartbeat. Erin put her tiny stethoscope to her chest. She picked it up and placed it on a different part and she did that again and again. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't hear anything." Anthony started crying but I couldn't cry. I didn't feel like crying. Even though she was already gone I was so happy to have her in my arms. That happiness overshadowed everything else for me.

Anyway, reliving that day today brought back how much love was in that moment when we first met outside the womb. It was a little overwhelming.

My daughter has been gone 10 months from my arms. In the moments when it feels like it been so long I think about what it will feel like to not have her for 5, 10, or 20 years. A lifetime feels like too long to be without her. But I have the hope of seeing her again and that's what gets me through each day without her. Of course, my little family helps me too-my husband, my daughters, and this new little one.

Carleigh, mommy misses you with all her heart. I hope you can feel all my love in Heaven because I'm sending you a lot! xo

30 comments:

Jodi Lansink said...

It's hard to go back to those raw moments---but like you, I try to find the joy in them, and that makes me smile!

I haven't been to the cemetery since around Thanksgiving! It is killing me! With 20+ inches of snow on the ground, and they don't clear the roads there, I guess we won't make it until spring----hope you get to go Sunday!

Nan & Mike said...

Thinking of sweet baby girl with you....oh how I wish she were with you xoxo

The McDaniel 3 said...

Im so glad that you got to see the sun shine today! I bet it was nice! I continue to pray for you, Anthony, Kyndra, and your rainbow miracle that you are blessed with right now!

Trisha Larson said...

Oh Holly,

I'm sorry that I didn't realize that today was an anniversary. I am glad that the sun was shining. I know how much that helps me.

Hugs,
Trisha

Bree said...

Thinking about Carleigh today. <3

Mary said...

I had the same experience Holly. I didn't cry, I couldn't. It was too nice just to have the weight of her in my arms. Relief and love, that is what I felt. I can only imagine the feeling when we get to hold them in Heaven will be even better.

The Blue Sparrow said...

Happy 10 months in Heaven Carliegh! Thinking about being reuinited in Heaven with Bryston is the only thing that keeps me going too. Its been since Novemeber since Ive been able to visit his site as well because of the weather. I'm so ready for some decent temperatures, but I guess thats life in the midwest for ya ;P

croleyc69 said...

Thinking of your sweet Carleigh today. Praying for your Rainbow Baby and Anthony and Kyndra and of course you. I think of all of you so much. Glad the sun came out today. It always makes the day better.
Caroline

Betty said...

thinking of you.
hugs

Mom Putnam said...

Wow, that all came back to me and it was emotional for me as well. How I miss our little girl and like you it helps me to know she is very well taken care of and the hope and promise of seeing her again, only the next time she will be very healthy with smiles on her face and lots of stories to tell us.

Rikki said...

Happy 10 months carleigh.
I couldnt cry when my boys were born. Just seeing them and holding them and loving them definantly outweighed all the pain and sadness that i was feeling.

Jessica said...

Thinking of you and your sweet Carleigh!!

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Love and prayers for you, sweet friend. Even so many years later, I have moments when I'm sharing about our babies that I am reliving the moments. The love that we were allowed to squish into those brief moments we spent with our babies lasts a lifetime...and beyond.

stitchndeb said...

I'm so glad you got to share her story with someone. Praying for you. ~Debbie

Just Breathe said...

My heart is with you. ((HUGS))

Jennifer Ross said...

Hope, for an eternity, is all we have. Which is all we really need. If we believe, then one day, we well have all of eternity with our precious children.

Jill said...

Thinking of Carleigh!

Lea said...

Holly - this post gives me goosebumps. I remember all too well those overwhelming feelings.

The sun shone for a reason today!

xo

Karen said...

Keeping you in my prayers Holly! I pray that I can always remember my memories of Faith Like you do of Carleigh! I never want to forget!

Many Blessings,
Karen

The Ramirez Family said...

Holly,

I just wanted to share quickly about a bill that has been passed by the Utah house. It would require that all clinics have the ultrasound monitor displayed where a mother can see it. The tech would also have to describe the different aspects of the baby on that monitor prior to an abortion. Unfortunately it would still be the mothers choice to look and hear.

Franchesca Cox said...

Many hugs, Holly. I am glad you got to share Carleigh's story with someone, it is always bittersweet, and I'm glad the sun is shining today (for you :) We got a wind from the arctic blowing down here in Texas right now.

xo

withoutmypunkin said...

There is a reason the sun was out :) Thinking of you and Carleigh!

James Patrick said...

Glad that the the was shiny for you today. Sending you a big hug and a prayer.

Jess said...

So glad you saw some sunshine on Carleigh's 10 months in heaven day, and that you had the chance to tell her story with so much love, and even joy in your heart. It will be such an awesome day when we are all reunited with our precious babies in heaven!

crystal theresa said...

Happy 10 Months in Heaven, Carleigh! That sunshine must have been a small glimpse of the celebration she was having in heaven! I understand what you mean about not being able to cry when you held her in your arms and just being happy - I felt the same way when I had Calvin in my arms. It was an amazing feeling of peace and completion. I can't wait for the day when we are all reunited in Heaven. ((hugs))

蘭蘭的 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
He & Me + 3 said...

What a beautiful post. You will someday see her and hold her again, that is truly awesome to know!

Heather said...

Thinking of your dear Carleigh.

I was that same way after giving birth. Nathan immediately cried after we found out she would be leaving this world soon, but I couldn't find the tears. Not yet. I think I was somewhat exhilarated from the birthing process, and of course, in shock because even knowing it could happen cannot even possibly prepare you for the moment it does.

Rebekah said...

I always find it so healing to tell Levi's story- even when I struggle through parts. The hope of seeing him again gets me through too.

Kristy said...

Thinking of your sweet Carleigh. Many *hugs*

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